Gah! What a freaking day! I got no sleep... got to my room.. after spending the night at the APD house, got no sleep there because it was so cold. I snuggled up with Vlad and slept next to him, Cara on the other side of him laying on the couch arm, but it just wasn't warm enough for me to get any rest.

I got back here... slept from 11-2... Tim called and woke me up...was pretty groggy on the phone but it was nice to talk to him. He then called again later and Marie came in and woke me up a little after four, I had planned on going to dinner but changed my mind and decided it woudl probably be a better idea if i just stayed in and made myself something to eat in here, so I did.

I decided not to go out to the beach party tonight but to stay in and watch movies and stuff with Erin tonight, and Tim decided he wasn't going to do anything either so we could spend time together a little bit. Well his nieces came over so we didn't really get to do that and so I spent more time with Erin and then he seemed a little huffy that I wasn't talking to him as much, but it is difficult for me to balance time like that.

Erin and I sat and cried and laughed until I thought my head would burst. We played uno, monopoly, talked and hugged. Listened to music. It was great. I really felt like I'd gotten so much off my chest. Then Amanda comes in drunk with Jaime and they made a rude comment to Erin, upset her and so she left, Dan called and started to argue with me, I was yelling at amanda and jaime for talking to Erin the way that they did, Tim wanted my time... it was crazy. Dan reads this and you know, I don't care, he really pissed me off today.

I vented on everybody. Drank a smirnoff while talking to Tim. Then found out that Tim dated/was dating Rith... AKA Jen Bean... AKA Teagan... AKA biggest pain in my ass ever. *sigh* He was with her when he started to talk to me and never even told me... I have to admit... it changes a lot... it shouldn't... but deep down it does. Now I'm suspicious, I'm cautious and I'm hurt. This could be both good and bad... I'm not sure.

I wrote him this email and was going to send it but chickened out.....anyways... I had to vent something...:

I really shouldn't even be writing this right now, I should be putting it into my journal... maybe I will later -sighs-

I wish I could make you understand that I'm not mad at you, but I completely understand if you are angry with me. I know you don't think this should matter, I realize you don't think this should have any effect upon how things are between us, but somehow in some way it does.

Now all I can think about are the types of guys she's dated before, how they've gotten me into such a twist. They always seem perfect and then they screw me over in the end. She took Rob from me once. Lost him over and over. Made friends hate me. Told people lies. Cheated on so many boyfriends. Lied about her age, drew so many guys in and then ate them alive.

This is hard for me. I don't hate many people, and I guess deep down I don't hate her, but that's the only way for me to describe the extreme emotion I feel when I think about all she's done.

She moves into my territory, moves in on my friends and they all talk about how wonderful this new girl is that they met to me and then when I found out who it is i just want to tear out my hair.

It's a constant competition with her and I hate it. I think about this and then I think about how things always turn out. YOu have to at least somehow understand how I'm feeling in someway?

You never told me you were even with anyone.. or 'sorta' with anyone either. That hurts too. If I had known that, as wrong as it is, I will admit I wouldn't have even given you a chance.

this sounds horrible and I feel like such a bad person right now. I do love you, but I have to admit its going to be difficult for me to convince my heart that its okay... but then again, maybe its better this way so I don't blindly trust and get broken again. I don't know....

I should definitely not be sending this to you, but... I need you to know how i feel and understand.....

Entry posted by Christina | Zero note [Add] | www | E-Mail this entry