Aragorn and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Obviously this is a parody, the characters are Tolkien's and the style is based on the classic picture book by Judith Viorst. But the parody part is mine. My own. My precious...

Aragorn and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
by Poppins

Last night when I went to bed I had aethelas in my mouth and now there’s aethelas in my hair and when I got up I tripped over my sheath and by mistake I dropped my razor into the sink while the water was running and I had to go to the Council of Elrond with stubble and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

At the Council, Gandalf didn’t introduce me and Boromir made faces at me and when I stuck my tongue out at him Elrond yelled at me for being rude and now I have to copy “My courtesy is somewhat lessened of late” 100 times and they still won’t let me reforge the shards of Narsil.

I think I’ll move to Australia.

When we left, Legolas got to lead a hobbit, and Gimli got to lead a hobbit, and Gandalf got to lead a hobbit, and even Boromir got to lead a hobbit, but I had to lead Bill the Pony. I said I was getting lonely. I said Bill was smelly and there were flies. I said, I am going to be sick. No one even answered.

I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

In the Mines of Moria Gandalf got to be the leader and Frodo got to talk to him and Gimli got to tell anecdotes and Legolas looked good in the dim lighting but I had to walk behind the hobbits and I don’t know what they ate for second breakfast but it made the rotting corpses smell good. I told everyone I was having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day and no one even answered.

Then Frodo said that I wasn’t his best friend anymore and that Sam was his best friend and Gandalf was his second best friend and I was only his third best friend. I hope you sit on Sting, I said to Frodo. I hope the next time you get a strawberry lembas the strawberries all fall off and land in Australia. And Frodo said he was going to run away and never play with me again and then he did. And a gang of orcs attacked us and killed Boromir and now I have to run across a million-billion miles to get Merry and Pippin back.

At Edoras Wormtongue was mean to me and Eowyn fell in love with me and wanted to kiss me. Yuck. I hate kissing. Gandalf only played with Theoden and said that we all had to go to Helm’s Deep. On the way wargs attacked us and one dragged me off the cliff and it felt like I landed in Australia.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I could tell because at Helm’s Deep Legolas got to invent skateboarding and Gimli got to invent dwarf-tossing and Eomer and Gandalf got to invent horse-jumping but I broke a tooth. The dentist says I have to come back to get it fixed next week.

Next week, I said, I’m going to Australia.

But instead I had to go through the Paths of the Dead and now I have to lead a bunch of icky undead guys into a hopeless battle and then take them sailing and I always get seasick. If we do win, which we won’t, I’ll have to brush my hair and I hate brushing my hair because it gets knots in it. And I’ll have to marry Arwen and sing a song in front of all the Gondorians and Elrond will scowl at me because he always scowls at me.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Gandalf says some days are like that.

Even in Australia.

__________________________________________________________________
(for those of you linking in from elsewhere, I collect LOTR Humour and you may enjoy the links I've accumulated: LOTR Humor )

!!extend_body!!

Posted by Poppins at 4:58 pm

- Jane | 05.01.04 | 5:26 pm

Hehe! This is so great! I loved that book when I was a kid. Man, I never get tired of the lotr parodies.

- becca | 05.01.04 | 7:38 pm

Brilliant!! My mom said that if she were an English teacher she would give you an A+. I'm copying a link to this in my live jouranl. This was great!!

- isilhén | 05.01.04 | 9:20 pm

that's soo cool! i love that book! i even have the movie they made of it. and of course i have lotr. im going to have to show this to my friends.

- Armariel (aka RoZ) | 05.01.04 | 9:22 pm

*gigglegigglegiggle* that was tooooo funny...even though I've never read the original story....it's a wonderful, delightful, very good, totally cute tale........

- unbeatable73 | 05.01.04 | 9:32 pm

Greetings from TOR.n Good story! Made me laugh multiple times(and thats saying a lot)!

- Schwester K | 05.02.04 | 8:15 am

bwahahaha!! that's AWESOME!!!!!

that book was a gift to me as an adult, from a friend here in ottawa, the first Xmas I didn't get to go home to be with family. It was rather suitable. But cute....

but your parody.... you rule!!

- cardinals | 05.02.04 | 2:06 pm

Thank you , that was really good!!

- Rikibeth | 05.02.04 | 3:51 pm

But where's the railroad-train pajamas?

This is fantastic. Got here via .

You rock.

- Nettle | 05.02.04 | 3:55 pm

This is awesome. You rock!

- andrea | 05.02.04 | 3:58 pm

i bow to your madcap brilliance. that is fantastically funny. (linked here by mollyringwraith's lj)

- jewelsong | 05.02.04 | 4:22 pm

That was great - perfectly done!

- hanncoll | 05.02.04 | 4:42 pm

I'm a preschool teacher and LOTR fan, so this parady was ready-made for me.

Hilarious -- I laughed out loud.

Came here via mollyringwraith's lj.

Thanks so much. :)

- | 05.02.04 | 5:49 pm

Molly pointed the way, and the way was good.
I've never read the books but that didn't stop me from laughing until I choked :-)

- | 05.02.04 | 7:55 pm

Also here due to Molly.

When I picked myself off the floor from laughing, though, I wondered if it wouldn't be Boromir having the bad day?

- Thomas | 05.02.04 | 9:02 pm

Brilliant!!! :D

- Wyn | 05.03.04 | 12:15 am

*gigglefits* Duuuude, that's just awesome, right there. I'm a -huge- fan of Tolkien's trilogy, maybe a bit of a book purist, but the movies were pretty darn good too. Anyways, great job, I found the link off my friend's journal and took a look-see. Now I'm glad I did, this -so- made my day. ^_^

- Genarti | 05.03.04 | 2:31 am

*dies laughing*

This is absolutely gorgeous. Excellent work.

- Megaloo | 05.03.04 | 5:51 am

::snickers::

How fantasticly fantastic! Heh heh, Australia. ;D

- Mark | 05.03.04 | 11:15 am

...and I had to wear my Silver Tree pajamas.

I hate my Silver Tree pajamas.

;-)

- Trinity | 05.03.04 | 6:56 pm

That's great. Really. I laughed out loud!
Well done, and you have a wonderful sense of humor!!
Blessings.

- | 05.03.04 | 7:46 pm

YAY! I adore J Viorsts Alexander and the... book also.
I laughed like a drain!

- Hermione Eveningfall | 05.04.04 | 7:51 am

hi there! omg, Im cracking up! I havent read this book in YEARS--and this was such a riot ;) awesome parody! i felt so badly for Aragorn. *squishes*

- daemo | 05.04.04 | 8:52 am

Hey, all you need to do is get an illustrator, and we'll have something to read to our next generation!

- elfinity | 05.04.04 | 9:44 am

BWA-HA-HA!!! My son used to make me read it to him over and over, so I remember it quite well ^_^ Your version RULES!!! I am at work and I'm cracking up a bit too loudly. It's so funny, though! Thank you so much! Poor Aragorn...

- rabidsamfan | 05.04.04 | 9:57 am

Oh, my goodness gracious! I just fell off my chair laughing. This is... Oh, god... I'm a children's librarian and "Alexander" is one of my favorite storytime books, so you know you have just slain me.

Oh, help.

*falls off chair again and lies on the floor kicking weakly and giggling*

- trazzie | 05.04.04 | 10:28 am

tinewen sent me over...too funny!! ROTFL

- Stephanie ... er Ivy ... er | 05.05.04 | 10:30 am

ROTFLMAO. Really. Tears and everything.

- | 05.05.04 | 3:36 pm

::giggling insanely:: This was just too twisted. Do you mind if I share with others? I know you said it was OK to link to stuff you'd linked to, but as this is an original I thought I'd just make sure.

- Sarah | 05.05.04 | 3:48 pm

Go ahead and link to it. I thrive on the admiration and adoration of my faceless fans. ;-)

- Sir Aaron | 05.06.04 | 10:02 pm

this was a very cool twist on the storyline. made me laugh in a couple of places and made me feel bad for him in others. very nice job! thanks for sharing it.

- La Déesse | 05.07.04 | 1:52 am

I have loved 'Alexander and the (etc)' since I was a little girl. This parody is just perfect. Thank you for writing it!
and, again, found it through Molly Ringwraith.

- Anita | 05.08.04 | 12:09 am

This was one of the best paradies I've ever read! Thanks for making my day!

- Lady Aragorn | 05.12.04 | 8:04 pm

That was sooo funny! I wish he would move to Australia, more specifically to Brisbane. There's room in my house ;-) And I got it through Molly Ringwraith too.

- Stephanie | 07.15.04 | 1:23 am

Ha! This is *absolutely brilliant*! Have you posted it on TORn? I'm going to read it to my kids tomorrow. (This is Lúthien Rising from TORn, by the way. I followed the link from your bio ... love your site!)

- jess poli | 08.28.04 | 10:28 pm

the cutest thing. :D thanks for sharing!

- Nutmeg3 | 09.13.04 | 4:36 pm

Oh. My. God. Nmissi sent me over to read this, and you made me spew bits of pistachio nut all over my monitor (it's work's computer, so I don't really care, and anyway, I cleaned it), and now I want to marry you and have your babies, except 1) we're both girls (at least, I know I am and I think you are), and 2) I'm too old to be having babies, and 3) I'd really rather shag Aragorn and Boromir. But if it weren't for those small points, I would definitely do it. Instead I'll just tell you I laughed very hard and think you're wonderful.

- Lisalas | 01.31.05 | 12:41 am

AWESOME parody. I giggled like heck all the way through it! My friend Jennagorn linked me here.

THANKS FOR WRITING!

Lisalas

- Gini Shackelford | 01.31.05 | 12:57 am

Oh that was hilarious! My kids were ROFLOL too... More, I need more!!!
Keep up the great work! :)

- Liz | 06.15.05 | 2:02 am

oh, wow! I laughed so hard that I cried! Thanks so much for writing that!

- seahorse | 04.10.06 | 3:46 pm

Love the book. Thank you sooooo much for making Aragorn the main focus.

- Mimi | 04.09.07 | 2:45 pm

Bwahahahahahahha! I Love that!

- card realtek sound | 09.08.07 | 8:06 pm

Nice site. Thanks.

- cheap rolex watch | 09.08.07 | 11:07 pm

Nice site. Thanks.

- jqfc cnmyux | 09.09.08 | 3:29 am

opyka nkpvoq kexyc mfvc mypnk wrtijaqm jflvqaz

- eycdoa fkdaotqnx | 09.09.08 | 3:30 am

ahdum xcpjik efomq djpx qefdybrun guadlepx qolf http://www.qjrvi.mgwuirk.com

- potzkmw cjzupknd | 09.09.08 | 3:30 am

zlnhogc whgedmo avhn tqrsibxg hkgx cbdmxoy hzlnyo lamjs gvcswio