Why does time have to rule our lives so much? There are not enough hours in the day to get everything we need to do done, despite the fact that we live in a fast paced world where everything moves faster and faster. If you're not fast enough you get left in the dust. Lately I have been so frustrated with time as each day comes and goes and I am still in one place. It's an unfair concept. I can't help but wonder what life was like before clocks, watches and timers constantly rushing us around, waking us up and telling us what time to go to bed. Speaking of waking up and going to bed, my days have begun to bleed into each other. I have no regular sleep pattern and I often wish my body didn't need to slow down and recoup. While it passes out, the rest of me keeps going...my life continues in my head as I sleep, in which I'm still studying for homework, thinking about college and reflecting over conversations and experiences. Once while studying in my room I fell asleep and while I was sleeping I was actually dreaming I was still figuring problems and reviewing material while laying there, and I thought to myself that this was a much more efficient way of studying until I woke up and realized that it was jibberish and I retained nothing. Sleep is for losers anyway.
The structure of time is unfair to me. I cannot do everything I want to do because there is not enough of it, and while I am doing what I want it fritters away faster than I want it to. Even when I'm doing something I don't want to do, it fritters away too fast for me to finish whatever it is I'm doing. But without this structure of time we would live in utter chaos in which deadlines would not exist, or bedtime or morning or anything. We would just be all about all at once, never getting anything at all done, because without this structure only procrastination would exist, believing that whatever it is can always be done later. The even bigger problem with that is the fact that life is so short that before you know it you may never do what you meant to get done before. We would lead empty lives and achieve nothing. Oh wait, some of us already do.
I never understand those people who have so much time on their hands. There is always something to do. My response to the question, "what are we left doing after we've done all those things that no longer take much time to do?" is that we find something else to do. You make it sound as if we are left with so much time on our hands after this wave of technology, but we are not...time is speeding up as well, it seems. If you are so lucky to have such precious time after doing those things that "no longer matter or take up time and energy" then you should use those moments to do something new, or old, but something worth doing and something enjoyable. Turn off your tv, that viscious time waster...turn off all the time wasters including video games and computers. With this fast paced technology where everything gets done faster also comes more ways to waste all the spare time you have. Instead of accomplishing nothing sitting in front of multifarious kinds of luminescent screens, go make a different in your own life, if not others'. Go experience something worth experiencing...
All my love Riane
I had a dream, that I could save the world, all I had to do was everything, I had a purpose, my heart was in my throat, I was put here for a reason, I felt so clear, we had no time, it was the end of the world, I never felt so alive...
This is a year of firsts. Birthdays...there have been a few that have come and gone already. Mine included. For the past 5 years or so I have never missed a birthday entry. And it wasn't until I had the biggest deal birthday that I just had to miss it. Another first is my failure at giving birthday wishes. This year was also the first time in my 14 years of school that I actually had to go to school on my birthday - this was such a major disappointment. But I made the best of it and besides, I had an entire week dedicated to my 18th birthday celebration! At first I wanted to have a huge party, but then I realized that when I actually go to large parties, I prefer to be off in the corner entertaining my friends rather than being the center of attention of the whole thing. So, I scratched that idea. Instead I invited three of my most entertaining friends and we got all dolled up in our cutest dresses and went out to dinner. The evening was quite interesting as we were hit on one of the waitors and later a drunk guy in the parking lot of the coffee shop we went to afterwards. To make it even better, the drunk was on crutches!
The next event on my list was to have a birthday dinner with my family at Nova. A place with amazing pasta and they even had live music on the night of my birthday, August 21st. We had cake from the bakery I work at - yummy fresh strawberries with white cake and whipped icing. The Saturday following my 18th, my friend Lindsay and I got $5 tickets to the CD101 Summerfest Concert. This was by far my most favorite birthday event. The bands that played were, Darker My Love, The Lost Revival, Tickle Me Pink, ism, HoneyHoney, Dr. Dog and VHS or Beta. The last two were the main entertainment while the rest were opening bands. However, my favorite band of the night ended up being ism. I even bought their cd and met the lead singer, Andre. The band totally amazed me. There was a downside though - while I was watching them an overweight drunk pounced on me and started yelling something that I couldn't hear. Apparently he was trying to ask me what band was playing. That's when the guy next to him told him to "fuck off" and then proceeded to chat me up. He introduced himself, but I couldn't hear him over the music so it sounded like "menuhmenuh". He was drunk too and kept saying hi everytime he saw me throughout the night. I also met HoneyHoney, which is a semi-folk, alternative band that consists of Suzanne Santo & Ben Jaffe. They autographed my ticket and Ben told me I had beautiful eyes. I'm a sucker, what can I say. Please check both bands out - I think you will like them.
Speaking of panic attacks, this is my senior year of high school. The last year. I had the last first day of school ever. It's been so rough though. I have been stressed like mad - not because of the workload or anything, but because of what this year means. College. Things that are slowly killing me: college visits, college applications, college financial aid, college entrance exams, maintaining my grade point average and surviving Professional Art, Advanced Placement Language and Composition, Advanced Placement American Government, Advanced Placement Calculus, Physics II, Advanced Photography and French V. Ridiculous. Not only this, but I now have a new job. I was hired to work at the brand new Kohl's Department Store in my city. I'm already starting training and I continue to work at the bakery. So, Riane will hopefully have money to pay for future blogs. And that car insurance. On top of all this I am trying to maintain a pretty healthy social life. EYG meetings have begun again and I have already made new intelligent friends.
I've only been in school for 2 weeks and I've already had to come home from school early due to stress related sickness. The first time was a migraine. I left during lunch and took medicine and slept for an hour. I felt better so I went back to school, but when I came home I felt ill again. This is just too much on my body. Plus, this first time my have been connected to my blood sugar, because I didn't eat breakfast and felt as if I would pass out. Today, yes today, was my second panic attack. I was so stressed out at school and the more stressed I got the worse my migraine got. I was in the photography, my second to last period when I decide I'm going to puke. So, as my teacher is walking me to the restroom and I keep saying, "I don't know what's wrong with me!" over and over, really just to keep the vomit down...but then it comes and in the midst of puking on the floor I hear my photography teacher answer me and say, "Maybe you're pregnant". This could be the most humiliating and funniest thing that's ever happened. I think it's the former, but it's pretty funny. And I can add it to my list of firsts: first time I EVER puked at school. Right on. Most amazing way to start off ones senior year. Maybe this will make you laugh? Or just gross you out.
By the way, it's virtually impossible that I'm pregnant...no worries there...
All my love Riane
Don't always know what I'm talkin' about, feels like I'm livin' in the middle of doubt, 'cause I'm eighteen I get confused every day, eighteen I just don't know what to say, eighteen I gotta get away...
So...as you know, Riane has been pennyless for awhile and therefore she has not paid for her upsaid account. Therefore, no entries. But now she has renewed her account and will be posting a most exciting entry about the day in the life of an...adult. Yeah - take that - no teens here.
Everytime I read over my entries a majority of the time I sound like such a dweeb. Especially when I start talking about boys. I should just not write about boys. It's probably a bad idea anyway when pretty much anyone could search my name and find this. When I first made this site I don't think I was...uh, thinking at all? No worries though, I have nothing to hide. If people want to know exactly how I feel than I say let them.
So, I made it through another year. Another year of high school is down the tube. Gone. Remember when I was younger and was always wishing my teen years away? Remember when everyday I wanted to be 18? Remember when you said "These are the best years of your life" and "It will only get harder" and "Don't wish your life away" or "Life's too short"? I certainly do. Don't worry, I've kept those words with me all this time. And it may have taken awhile, but I think I have learned not to take these years for granted. I want to reflect on these past few years. I have slowly grown from a shy, friendless, introverted, naive girl, someone who totally didn't even embody her own damn horoscope, into a real leo! Once I reached high school, once I became independent, I opened up and bit by bit allowed others to see who Riane was on the inside. Last year was the real turning point. Something snapped inside of me and I was tired of always repressing myself, not saying what I really wanted to say in conversations and being always filled with anxiety that whatever I said would only embarass me. I cannot even believe how much it's all changed.
I have this fastastically awesome group of friends who I am not afraid to be myself around. I'm not afraid to say all the jokes I never said before and make people laugh. I'm not afraid to be the conversation starter, or be obnoxious and loud sometimes. I'm not afraid to say what I feel. Most of all - I laugh all the time. There isn't anything I love more than laughing. Which brings me to the topic of my mom. She was always known for her loud laughing, in which she would throw her head back and literally just laugh from her gut. People loved talking to her and being around her just because of her laugh. I'm proud to say I've totally inherited the scream laugh from her. My friends now call it, "Riane's insane laugh". It feels so good to be able to laugh with my friends, actually laugh.
What made me suddenly realize how much I've changed over the years, and begin to appreciate my high school years, and begin to realize that these are the best times of our lives is this past week. I decided months ago that I wanted to go on a workcamp and volunteer to help fix up houses in impoverished areas with a community service group I've been in for 2 years called EYG. All of my friends are also in this group, and were ultimately the ones to get me to go. I wasn't so sure about the whole thing and if I could handle it, but I soon found out that it was the coolest decision ever made. Over the week, I learned to do roofing, which is pretty damn awesome, and build steps for a porch. I also learned that I don't take working 8 hours in 96 F weather very well, but that I don't give up. I'm usually a wimp. Best of all was being with other people though. I needed to get away from home and just be with others for awhile. I've never had so much fun and felt so accepted and loved by so many people in my life. It made me cry...which made me mad. The last day everyone was crying because of those leaving the group and going to college...except me, because I never cry or get emotional about stuff like that. Then, I turned around and saw my friend Anna walk over to hug me while crying and I just burst into tears. I said "Look what you did to me - I hate crying!". But, it all just made me realize how much I've grown to love these people and myself and how much I don't want to leave it all.
So, this all brings me to my point. I'm not really an angsty teen afterall. I don't hate my life and I don't wish I were 18 anymore. The only problem is...I'm going to be 18 in two months. There's no stopping it now. And this whole 18 bit is causing me some major anxiety. This is my last year of high school. I have to take all my college entrance exams, I have to finish up this year, I have to choose a college, get accepted and leave this all behind. I don't even know what I want to do or where I want to go anymore! When I was 12, I knew exactly what I wanted - but I can't say I was being realistic. So...I guess I have two months to decide - no pressure. I woke up this morning feeling so much anxiety I didn't even want to wake up anymore.
Once again I've made myself out to be a complete dweeb...
All my love Riane
It's not what you thought when you first began it, you got what you want, now you can hardly stand it though, by now you know, it's not going to stop...
I'm not finished with you yet. It's been months and suddenly I got this itch to write. This past month my life has begun to evolve again, it's another rebirth. Just like spring. Does this happen every year? After my long, lonely winters I finally reach my spring in which I reach a new phase of my life. I feel like this is a pattern. Apparently life had been too good to me lately, too easy. That's why it became so inane. That's why I became a recluse. I felt like I was done. I felt like I was lost...again. I literally locked myself up for the winter. Sleep was all I wanted because if I was asleep I couldn't think anymore and all my thoughts were probably morbid. I don't really remember what was going on in my head at the time. I honestly think I'm battling with my own self right now. I have always been the same, really. I have realized this past month that I struggle with perfectionism.
I always knew I was a perfectionist, but I didn't know to what extent. Evidentally it rules every aspect of my life. Before I just thought it applied to my schoolwork. Always I wanted straight A's, always I wanted the best scores on everything, always I wanted the awards, the recognition. I wanted to beat everyone. But now I've realized that it is so much bigger than that. My whole life revolves around perfectionism. I absolutely cannot fail at anything. I can't stand to disappoint. Mostly myself. I don't want to disappoint myself. I have such high expectations for myself. Nobody requires any of this out of me. No one ever said to me, "Riane, you must have perfect grades and be the perfect daughter". I said it. I have only myself to blame. But, where it all began I cannot say. I cannot even begin to contemplate that.
Now, it's all just a slap in the face every day for me. "Riane, you must learn to accept the fact that you're only a human". "You can't be perfect at everything". And I say, but why not? Because...apparently you can't have your cake and eat it too. Everyday I've found new failures...or achieved them. I achieve my failures. Something is trying to break me. Is it time to break me? Is it time to force me into that bleak and heartbreaking reality that is my life? I have recently been torturing my own self over my recent failures. Failures so big to me that they can't be ignored like the rest of the negligible ones.
Remember how I said life was being too good to me? I was taking work off, I was getting plenty of self-time, too much probably, and plenty of time for my top priority - being school. I thought I had it rough, I thought I was so run down and I thought I was so low. Just when I felt I "deserved" good karma, I was dealt what life really thought I was deserving of. I didn't know what it meant to have things taken away for real, and have it only be a consequence of my own actions. In one month I have gotten myself into two minor car accidents. First, I backed into a mini cooper parked across the street from my drive way. Next, I backed into another car in my school's parking lot. No one was hurt, except my state of mind. Starting in November I can begin paying my new, increased insurance rates. Last Friday, I made my way over to the bank and literally emptied my savings accounts. After working a year and a half, all that I have saved is gone. $950 to pay for a car that I damaged, while my own car remains scratched or dented. I probably have about $90 left in the bank, and I am currently working one day a week until school is out. What kills me the most is that I have failed. I failed at basic driving. I cost myself so much. Now, I must start all over. And yet...it could STILL always be worse. I'm still alive...even if sometimes I wallow in self-pity.
Today, as I was trying to paint with acrylic on a 3x7 masonite board, I became so frustrated that the paint would not blend and that it would dry too fast. My art teacher said - "This is good for you. Stop being such a perfectionist. Let the brush strokes show and stop trying to make it look perfect. This is going to break you". I'm at a point in my life where I need to be broken. Break me of my obession with perfection. I told him that everything in my life is trying to break me right now...and he just replied, "well you need to be", basically.
So...now my question is...now can I have some good, sweet karma? I've paid big time and will for the next three years...and if I haven't learned my lesson, then I might as well give up now. So, now that I have developed a new phobia of driving in addition to my fear of phone calls, can I "please please please get what I want this time"? Would you like to know what I want? I want my new crush to work out. I don't know how, but I don't want to fail again. I failed at my last attempt because of my fear of being in any kind of relationship with a boy. Ian - I don't remember if or what I said about him, but I basically cut him off after letting him think he had a chance. I guess he never really did, because I wasn't ready for that closeness again, that possession that comes with being "boyfriend and girlfriend" or losing the ability to talk to and look at any guy I wanted. I didn't want to give up my independence again. Perhaps relationships aren't really that way, and are not supposed to be that way, but that is all I've ever experienced in real life. Once he got too clingy...following me around school and meeting me at my locker, I was through. I was also afraid of what I would become once I was in the relationship. I didn't like what I was when I was with you know who. I wasn't myself. I did things and said things that I never would have done otherwise. I feel like I'm a stronger person than I was back then, and now that I'm learning to cope with my failures, I can move on. Besides...this boy is much different. I asked him to prom through a note passed to him in European History because I was too afraid to ask him in person. He said YES with double underlines. And so we went. I would rather not get into a long story about Prom, but basically it was amazing. My leo friend, Kyle said, "when did you turn black?" because apparently I get dirty on the dance floor? How can that be, I'm a complete nerd, and so was my date. So, this new thing I have going for me makes me happy. We hang out together about once a week and just talk. I don't think he's ever had a "serious" relationship, which relieves me. I'm starting over completely and I'm going to go sooo slow about this whole thing, whatever happens with it. The friendship I have with him now is so refreshing, and so is his smile...
To you, from me - I'm still playing...
All my love
Riane
Karma Police, I've given all I can, it's not enough, I've given all I can, but we're still on the payroll, this is what you get, this is what you get, this is what you get when you mess with us, and for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself, and for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself...
I guess spring isn't coming afterall. This weekend it snowed for thirty-four hours straight leaving behind fourteen inches of snow. Officially a blizzard. I've been couped up at home all weekend and still haven't left the house since Friday at noon. Everything was interred in white death and there was no way I wanted to venture out into it. I like snow, but this year I've been so down in it that I just want it to go away. I have spring fever like mad. Every time we drive down the country roads I don't see the snow, the barren looking trees. I keep seeing green fields and big green trees and the sun in the evening. The sun always looks a certain way in the evening and that's my favorite. And it's hot, but breezy and it's comfortable. I keep remembering how summer looked when I used to live at my dad's house in the country, before they started building more houses around there and the way the barn across the street looked. I liked walking around the few acres we owned, in the grass which was mostly just clovers everywhere. I also miss the smell. Everything is so colorful in summer and I just looked out my window and realized how badly reality contrasted with that picture I built up in my mind. Everything is in grayscale.
I'm painting my room gold. That should make me happier. It will be like being surrounded by sunshine all the time.
It seems like I haven't been getting along with anyone lately. I feel like I just want to be by myself most of the time. Maybe it's just this age. I am too consistent while everyone else around me wants to change every other week. I've always been this way, never known any other way to feel. It just seems like when I don't follow, I'm left behind. People move on, but I don't seem to. So, that's the predicament. All of my extroverted, social friends are followers. No matter how hard they pretend their being different they're being different just like everyone else who wants to be different. And when I don't start tagging along they get new friends. And when I stop caring they act like it's all my fault that it failed. I like happy, social people. I'm drawn to them. I like people who are kind above all else and who are intelligent and independent. I feel like the biggest issue is staying consistent at being nice. I used to think my Greek friend was the nicest person I ever came across. I used to say "I've never heard her say a mean thing about anyone". Remember that? I believe it was mentioned in the "Plant People" entry. Two years ago. She isn't that way anymore. She talks about people behind their backs and joins in on people bashing conversations. She refers to everyone in stereotypes now. I can't bare to sit and listen to her. So I don't. And now I hardly consider us friends. I am the sort of person who has one close friend. I'm the one associated as part of the twosome friendship. People don't remember me without the other. It's always been that way throughout school. But it's hard when you become a loner again yet people still associate you with that other person even though you don't ever want to be associated with them again. That's what I've become.
There are other things bothering me at the moment too. I wrote an entire paragraph about it, but then I deleted it. I decided it was too personal and revealed too much without revealing anything which left room for assumptions to be made. And any assumptions that could possibly be drawn from it would have been wrong without actually knowing the whole situation. But I'm hoping it will be resolved soon because I'm extremely hurt and it won't stop until I can talk about it.
I feel like there is an emotional block with this thing. I don't want to say anything too revealing. I want to keep everything simple, like grayscale...
All my love Riane
I heard a little girl and what she said was something beautiful, to give your love no matter what, is what she said...
I think I have been moribund for long enough. What happened to you, you ask? You could say that after my last entry I went into hybernation for a few months. I haven't been anywhere and I haven't done anything. I sunk into a depression worse than I think I've ever had. That sounds stupid. Let's not call it depression because it just sounds like I'm mentally ill or trying to get attention, and I'm not. I just wanted to be left alone and I was burnt out and I felt sad and I just kinda crashed into desolation. I was in this never ending cycle of go to school, come home, go to work, come home, study and fall asleep. It would begin again the next day. I stopped going out and I stopped hanging out with the same people. I guess we just tired of each other - it happens. Not to mention dealing with stupid boys and the emotional trips they put you through. Sometimes I wish I could just walk away - it would be so unexpected if I just said "Have a nice life". And so liberating. I can just imagine what I would do with the millions of hours I waste here. Why don't you? I always ask myself. But I just answer, I don't know, I don't know.
I've been increasingly tired. I was sleeping nearly every spare moment I had, when I wasn't at school or work or here. Which means I never seemed to have time to study anymore. It was vicious. On the weekdays I would work I would come home and start homework around 9:00 and stay up until the morning up to an hour before I had to wake up for school. The days I wasn't at work I was sleeping and whenever I tried to study I would end up asleep. And when I would wake up again it would be 1am and I'd start studying again. I was so sick and tired of it and by Winter Break I spent the two weeks a recluse, I did no work and saw no one. I visit my Dad's family on Christmas Eve and was criticized for not eating meat and because my hair was red and because I was too quiet and because I prefered water over every other beverage. I decided I would never go back. And I will stick to this one. Christmas day I became ill again. I spent the day gorging myself and sleeping in the recliner while the family all ate and sat around the table chatting. By New Year's Eve I was really down in it. I didn't go anywhere and saw no one and I cried and slept on the couch and would have gone to bed at 9pm if it weren't for the fact that I was waiting again. I don't even know what for.
I am feeling slightly better now. I'm trying to make things less stressful for myself. And so...I am quitting my job. I felt so stressed and they were taking advantage of me, scheduling me whenever even when I requested not to work, I couldn't do anything at all anymore and my marks were falling. So, Saturday is my last day until the Summer arrives when I will be able to start working again. I have so much I want to do right now. I want to start working out again and I want to take a few classes outside of school and start going places again instead of always missing out. And most of all...I want to sleep normal.
So, hopefully things will get better for everyone. Fingers crossed.
Oh, and now that February is nearly over, Spring is definately on it's way. I can hardly wait...
All my love Riane
I shot my love today would you cry for me, I lost my head again would you lie for me, I left her in the sand just a burden in my hand, I lost my head again would you cry for me...
Riane. ohio girl. Leo. vegetarian. original brunette. dyed hair. blue eyed, maybe green. writer. pervy. artistic. introverted. real. starbucks lover. opinionated. peace. silly. moody. ice cream. piercings. photography. sarcastic. avid reader. retro obsessed. music. Beatle obsessed. peach tea. vinyl. Tibet. red. B&W. <3 mango smoothies. cats. little dogs. Perfectionist. Possibly OCD. 
