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My face is one of the many faces of domestic violence. Behind the smile, there is pain and fear. I look like just about anyone you would meet on the street. Your babysitter. Your sister. Maybe even the lady that checks out your food at the grocery store. I am standing behind you in the line as you wait at the bank and picking up my children at the same school your own children attend. I look like everyone and anyone but not too long ago, I had secrets... secrets that I couldn't bear to tell anyone because I was ashamed of them. When you would see me on the street, I would smile at you as you passed. Maybe I held open a door for you or made a joke as we waited in line. I probably leaned down and talked to your child and you thought that everything in my life was completely normal but the truth is that if I took too long running my errands or did something wrong in the house, my husband would scream at me for it. If I talked back or expressed my opinions - something that you probably do with your husband every day, I would either be screamed at or hit. More often however, I would be choked. If my children did something wrong, I had to stand and watch him scream at them or allow him to punish them because if I interfered it made things worse for everyone. Near the end however, I got in the middle of everything because I would much rather that he hurt me instead of them and believe me, he did. If he decided that he was going to allow me to "deal with the girls" and I wasn't doing it the way that he wanted me too, he would command me to tell them things that they were doing wrong. I had to say it the RIGHT way. HIS way or he would be angry. If there was a dish not washed properly, the recycling not sorted, a chore missed, he would fly into a rage. Everyone has a limit. There is a line that cannot be crossed and when someone does, you get angry. Usually you knew where that line was drawn for a person but with Mr. X sometimes there was a line, sometimes there wasn't. Sometimes you could push and push and never reach the line. Others, you were already stepping over the line just by being there. Just by being yourself and for no other reason. Mr. X believes in conformity you see. You had to be JUST LIKE HIM or you weren't good enough. Lee didn't laugh because he told her that her normal laugh was "fake" and to stop pretending. He made such a big deal out of it that I didn't hear her real laugh for years. Now when she laughs, my heart sings. I am in the process of filing for divorce and my paperwork has two and a half pages of point form notes about the abuse that Mr. X inflicted on just myself. There are several headings: physical abuse, mental abuse, punishments and control. There are no forms of abuse listed more than once in the entire document. There are also things missing - like the fact that you couldn't tell him no if he wanted to be intimate with you or he would pout for days and treat you like shit. There are things that I had forgotten but memories are triggered by a sound. A smell. Something you read or something you see. It took me four long years to get out of my marriage. We were dealing with issues outside of the marriage that made it nearly impossible to leave. In addition, he kept Lee with him all the time so I couldn't leave without leaving her behind and I was never going to do that to her because he would have destroyed her. Either everyone got out or none of us did. No exceptions. My husband would have killed me if I had remained in a marriage with him. I don't know that he would have MEANT to kill me but one day he would have had his hands around my throat and in a fit of rage he would have forgotten to let go until it was too late. He had unmedicated bi polar disorder. He was a control freak. He considers himself first and foremost. He is the king of double standards. He can tell you what to do and treat you however he wants to but you had better think twice about EVER telling him what to do or treating him badly. They say that if someone is capable of choking you, they can kill you... that it takes only a few moments more or a little more pressure to go from just choking you as a form of control to killing you. If thats the case, I could have been dead a dozen times over. It seems surreal to me that I was ever in a relationship like the one that I was in with Mr. X. It seems even more unbelievable to me that I stayed there for eight long years. I stayed because of fear. I stayed because of the court actions against us with the Ministry of Government Services. I stayed so that Boo would have her father. I should have left years ago. I tell you this now though: no man will ever raise his hand to me in anger. No man will ever abuse me again verbally, emotionally, sexually or physically. Someday he will find this blog and he will lose his mind over it but he needs to know this: I am not afraid of him anymore. I may feel fear and anxiety over what he might do to me but its not paralyzing me. I will stand tall in the face of his adversity and I will prevail because I am stronger than him. I am stronger, and more diligent and because I have to protect myself and my daughters. That alone will ensure that I win - because nothing can overpower the love of a mother for her children and nothing can ever make me back down again. Nothing. |
