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Time: 5:35 pm
Date: September 21st , 2004
Feeling: 
Wearing: pj's
Hearing: Dido :: Don't think of me
Tasting: nuthin
Wanting: sleep
Messaging: Katelyn!!!
Browsing: nuthin
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©2004 Design: Amber
©2004 Content: Leigh
©2004 Hosting: Upsaid
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Tuesday, February 22nd 2005
yet another long delay in postingg.. | 8:01 PM
THE BASICS*~
Your Name- Courtney Leigh
Nicknames- Court, Ali, cobear
Birthday- Nov. 18, 1988
~*HAVE YOU??*~
Been kissed? Nope
Eaten an entire box of Oreos? Nope
Been on stage? Yep
Gotten in a car accident? Yeps
Death Valley on horseback? say wha?
Stayed home? lol yea
Made homemade fudge? nope
Seen the Eiffel tower? YEP!
~*FAVORITES*~
Shampoo: Ganier Fructis
Soap: Dove
Color: Blue
Day: Friday
Night: Saturday
Band: ahh too many to list! Currently, Crossfade.
Season: Summer, duh.
Commercial: uhh i donno.
~*YOUR FRIENDS*~
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? NoPe
Do you have a crush on someone: yEp
Do you have a best friend? YeP
Do you rank your speed dial in order of favorite friends? Nah
Who's your funniest friend? Hannah
Who do you go to the mall with the most? Erica
Who do you e-mail the most? I dont really do email anymore
Who have you known the longest of your friends? Probably Aubrey
Who's the loudest? i dunno.
Who's the shyest? probably me.
Whose parents do you know the best? ericas
Who do you go to for advice? hannah
Who knows all your secrets? julie
Who do you get the most surveys from? not really anyone
Who are you jealous of? i dont think really anyone..
Who do you cry with? My teddy =)
What is your usual quote? "those who only find happiness in the sunshine, obviously never danced in the rain"
~*IN THE LAST 24 HOURS HAVE YOU*~
Cried? no
Eaten fluf? eaten what?
Helped someone? yea
Bought something? yea
Dissected something? ew noo
Cut your hair? nope
Worn a skirt? nope
Worn a tie? nope
Been mean? no..but to my brother doesnt count lol
Been sarcastic? lol...yes
Gone for a run? yep
Gone for a walk? that too yep/
Gone to the movies? nope
Gone out for dinner? uh..i made dinner?
Been kissed? no...stop rubbing it in
Felt stupid? yes
Said "I love you"? no
Written a letter? nope
Written a paper? yeap
Taken a test? ohh gosh yea
Met someone new? yup
Moved on? i think that was more like 24+ hrs.
Written in a journal? Does this one count?
Watched your favorite movie? Nope
Talked to someone you have a crush on? Yeap
Given someone a present? Nope..lol
Missed someone? Yeah...
Hugged someone? Nope..
Had a nightmare? Yeah..ohh it was bad
Fought with your parents? kinda
Fought with a friend? i think so.
Been Scared? yeah.
~*WHENS THE LAST TIME YOU*~
Showered? This morning
Ate a meal? an hour ago
What are you wearing right now? dance pants, white sports bra, black spagetti strap.
Are you tired? yes
Are you lonely? sorta..
Are you happy? i guess..
Are you wearing pajamas? nope
Are you hungry? noo im full
Are you eating? nope
Are you talking to someone online? yep
Are you ready for this survey to end? lol idk
How long did this survey take you? like 10 mins...im slow shuddup
*Do you want all your friends to do this and send back? YEP!
WELL YOU'RE NOT DONE!!!....
>>>>FAVORITE STUFF>>>>
Type of sandwich: Turkeyyy
Coffee or hot chocolate? hot chocolate//
Cold or hot? weather? Hotttt
Big or little? BIG! lol
Lace or satin? Laceee...
Red or blue? blue
New or old? new
Here or there? there
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Sunday, October 24th 2004
I'm such an awful upsaid-er... | 7:11 PM
Is upsaid-er even a word? I dont know.
Blah Blah Blah...
So, alot has happened since my last post.
I met Kim (my trainer) and we talked, a bit.
Then we worked out for a little while.
I'm supposed to be keeping a food journal, psh. I've neglected it since I met her (which is Thursday)
Oh well =) I can always elaborate ;)
Today's been oh so lovely..I suppose.
I went to church, it was grand. Other than the fact that I was utterly freezing the whole time.
We got there late, so we were forced to sit upstairs in the far back where all the blowers (yeah, okay air conditioner thingies...whatever) were.
I had forgotten my jacket (oh my beloved A&F jean jacket) so I was oh so cold.
Afterwards we went out to eat at Double Daves.
Pretty darn good. I had myself a nice salad, and accidently got iced tea when I should have gotten water. Hehe oopsie.
Afterwards, we went back home, played with the puppy for a while, while my dad was reading the newspaper. Then my dad and I ran errands. Went to the office for a while, then to barns and noble.
I love that bookstore. I found the GLAMOUR mag, and I literally jumped. We dont usually get that mag here, so I was really excited. It's the British magazine I had read all during my vacation trip this past summer, so I was very eager to catch up with their ever-growing-fashion-trends.
Lovely magazine, I must say. But, the one thing I have noticed about our lovely Britts is that they are very sexual. Almost ever article had something along the lines of,
"Please your hubby", "Are you doing the right things in bed?", or "How to increase the intensity." I wont go on.
Lol, I'd nearly forgotten how much they're into this "shin-dig".
So that was wonderful, I got to read all about this wonderful Lacoste (spelling?) clothes line dedicated to the Breast Cancer Foundation, and I've made it my goal to get that pink tennis outfit in so many of the magazines (they're in the American ones too, yee-haw). Its adorable, and its to a good cause too, so why the heck not?
I'll put it on my birthday wish list. Or, you (yes you, reading my journal) could possibly fufil my birthday request? *Flutters eyelashes* pretty please?
Anyhoo, ED wise: I suppose I'm...okay?
I'm not so sure. I'm feeling okay, at the moment, but I'm still en-tangled within the emotions that connect me to my condition.
Oh well, Ordelaaa...
I have no idea where that came from...Anyways, I shall go now. I'm due to finish my SecretPals (for Drill Team) gift, for my sweet SecretPal.
I bought a teddy bear, and I'm going to hot-glue a drill team hat (one of those little ones that they sell at the craft-stores) to, then I'm going to tie little teddy to a candy holder full of Red, White, and Black jellybeans.
Somehow, this will end up cutsie...I hope.
I'll write later!
Much love,
-Leigh
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Friday, October 15th 2004
Gym. | 9:24 PM
I'm scared a little...
I was talking to my dad today, and I think I tried to come out again to him today about my eating disorder.
We were talking about how he's getting my mom a personal trainer (she's lost a lot of weight in the past year, and she really wants to tone up). The bad thing is, I know this is awful, but I just constantly feel like I'm competeing with her. She's bigger than me, by about **lbs, but its still a triggering thought to see her loose that much weight...
Anyways, back on subject...so I was talking to my dad, and he said "you know, it might be a good idea if I sign you up with Kim (the trainer-lady) as well. It'll give your mom good motivation to go and she'll make time for it".
Its been several (around 9 months) since I told my parents about my eating disorder origionally. And it seems weird, but it seems like maybe he's realizing the possibility that I'm not so perfect underneath it all, and I am actually human.
Its also weird that he's allowing me to go to the gym, and see a trainer...Its a little confusing to me right now..
So I told him I would go with her (my mom) to see Kim and see how it goes. My dad make me commit to a month (12 hours total) with Kim. So I did.
I'm really worried though. I'm excited at the same time.
My dad asked me what my goals were...what I wanted to gain out of an experience with a personal trainer, and I really think I may have connected with him...I think.
I told him my goals, and he asked why I had chose those goals, and I tried my best to explain to him...He asked why I would do that to myself (why I would feel extremely guilty after eating a meal, or eating infront of other people) and I didnt like, come right out and say the words "eating disorder" but I did say that it was a psychological thing that makes me get big time guilt trips.
I think, when I dont scare him (like I did before when I tried to tell him about my ed) and take time to explain, he tends to understand.
See, before I tried to tell him by just outwardly stating it and expecting a little support since I had made the decision to recover, he immediatly rejected the possibility that there was anything wrong with me and just flat out denied it...
So with that, I think I'm going to do it...It might be a good idea...Kim's going to make a food plan, and my mom promised (to Kim, even though I wasnt too happy..) to make sure I ate the things she had listed.
Maybe this isnt the exact best way to go into recovery, but my mom threatened that she would take me to my uncle (a nutritionist) and sit me down and basically hammer me...and trust me, my uncle doesnt go easy; just like my dad he can lecture into the late hours of the morning.
So maybe its not the best way to start an attempt at recovery, but I guess, in a weird way, it feels like a first step.
I was just so excited that my dad may have actually "understood" me, that I was willing to do just about anything...
I dont know..I have a lot of mixed emotions about this...I'm really not sure what to think of it just yet =/.
I am really nervous about it, but at the same time, I'm a little antsy..
I dont know...I confuzzled..
Blah...random post..
Much love,
-Leigh
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Wednesday, October 13th 2004
I feel like a freaking juice box. | 8:49 PM
dear lord I do. Everyone wants to just squeeze the freaking life out of me and I dont have much left!
*screams uncontrollably*
Oh dear god...I feel like ripping someones head off.
I'm very sorry that I'm acting this way, but I am soooooooo sooo sooo SO not happy right now!
I love you all, please, please forgive me!
okay, as I've mentioned before, I'm in the pissiest (is that even a word?) mood right now.
First, yesterday, in my Broadcast Journalism class, Brettany (Erica's older sister- Erica and I are best friends, so Brett is like an older sis to me) was just joking around but it did make me mad. Sometimes people eat in that class and she like grabbed a grape from Callie and ate it, then sat on Callie (just joking around you know?) and Callie goes "Ugh brett get off, your gettin fat on me!"
just joking around. Have you ever noticed that other girls joke about their weight and everything (yet it doesnt seem to affect them?..I dont know maybe I'm just weird) and brett goes "oups. Okay well I'll just be anorexic today then!"
That pissed me off.
Second, today I was sick. For the last half of the day I went home sick (around one). And stupid me forgot my World history book to finish my test review, AND IPC (Integrated Physics and Chemistry) book home to finish the test review for tomorrow tomorrows test (isnt that wonderful? two tests in one day..guh).
Okay, yesterday in IPC, my teacher had handed us the test review and SAID that it was for extra credit AND was OPTIONAL.
So I thought, -okay well I'll get as much as I can done, then just forget about the rest, since its optional-.
Back to today, (I'm sorry to switch around alot) I just got a call from Erica (shes in my IPC class) and she says that actually, no, the test review is 50% of our test grade!
So I'm incredibly stressed!
Not only did I forget my book in History to finish the review in there, I forgot my IPC book as well! And turns out the reivew IS for a grade! NOT optional!
Hah..so you can imagine, hopefully, my frusteration.
I'm just so tired of having to be the perfect on in this household. I feel aweful because I literally chewed out Erica on the phone...
Ohhhh man...time to breathe time to breathe...
There were a FEW (keyword: FEW) positive things out of the first half of today (where I was at school) but I'm in no mood to mention them because I'm just too stressed out.
Oh, YEAH, and not to mention...my NEW puppy, yeah the one I got THIS sunday, hurt his paw this morning. The dang thing hasnt even been here for a week and he's already hurt himself, and my mom's beating herself up about it thinking its her fault that she wasnt paying enough attention to him..which it totally is NOT her fault.
This has all been incredibly stressful on my ed as well. I'm sorry guys..yeah I've had a big time relapse (I WAS trying to somewhat start to recover, at least a little) and yeah, hah...I restricted all day yesterday and today..
So yeah, great week everybody!
I'm sorry...just REALLY needed to vent....
Much love,
-Leigh
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Tuesday, October 05th 2004
Dealing. | 9:12 PM
Hmm..learning to deal.
Hows that sound?
Oh, and Amber, I got your comment, but it wont let me read your journal! It's saying that you wont let me view it!! ='(
Poo...
Well anyways...
This week has been verry stressful.
Katelyn is moving to Cleveland with her Jacob.
Which sucks because I luff my katey-boo! Lol we're crazy.
So yeah...And I've decided I'm going to be Wendy (Casper the friendly Ghosts friend) for halloween. Erica, Hannah, and Katelyn (other than the fact that she moved) we had origionally decided that we were going to do something for haloween, but I guess it'll just be the three amigas.
So yeah. I saw a cute outfit for it in the october edition of Teen Vogue.
Very cute.
So yeah, despite the fact that katey-lynn is moving, we're still going to do something for the occassion.
School has been taking over my life (so what else is new?)
And home-life sucks right now.
Dads been having a pissy mood lately and taking it out on my ED.
He's been watching me eat recently (what did i tell you? its on and off, he watches, then doesnt. its like a rollercoaster) and he gets upset when I dont eat infront of him.
I lied to him today about what I "ate" for dinner, but who gives a care. I dont.
This is my journal, I dont do triggers (and I'm not pro-ana either) but yeah..you get the idea.
I've stated it allll before.
Sorry such a short update. I gotta go since my timer's about to run out!
Love you all!
P.S. e-mail me sometime kay?
dont e-mail at my hotmail,
e-mail to lilchixleigh@aol.com
lyl!
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