looks like i wont be posting for a while so i wanted to send a quick 4th of July to everyone that comes here. this is my life.. very busy.. but very close...

I hope all of you have a great 4th enjoying what we have... both good and evil.. one day.. to "forget everything else" and just enjoy the people you are with... no worries

v.v

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Chained up into a ball so tight.. no movement allowed.

Loosening slightly.. tasting the air.. looser yet are those chains that can hold us..

Tight.. but loose..

Wanting out but comfortable with what has always been.

Fear starts to sink in... ever-so slightly ~ ever-so there.

Holding back the courage to move.. the cheers from outside starting to sink in.

Slowly the desire is there ~ craving ~ something new

~Loosening the Chains~

They aren't so heavy anymore.

Lighter to the hold.. looser-- free-er

Wanting to look back ~ afraid to walk forward.

The cheers are louder now ~ the love ~ the support.

Stronger ~ the chains weaker.

Another unravels ~ Chains changing from the hard cold metal to cloth

The load is lighter ~ the hold much looser

Able to turn the head from side to side ~ breath the air ~ feel the feelings

Explore the great unknown.

Seeing everyone watching, afraid to let go..

Will these wings hold?

Will they hold me to soar through the sky?

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A lot has happened since I've last posted.. I was kicked out of the other shelter because they wanted a UA and I refused.. why give em dirty pee? ha ha.. so it's been 10 days of not knowing where i'm going to be from one night to the next, but I made it and got back into the original shelter.. i have until the 9th of june.. that's the good news.. the bad news is i will have to be out another 7 days before i can get back into the other shelter.. and then only get in if there is an opening.. hopefully i'll be able to pull something together before then.. we'll see

I've made some good friends and maybe even will get into a place by the time i need to get out.. not sure yet.. will have to see.. anyway.. i don't have much time today.. car is getting fixed and i have to do laundry..

I'll try to post more later..

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Okay.. so I had like a major breakthrough with my friend James.. long story short I got upset about something petty.. but it was a big deal to me.. and after talking with him about it I realized that it's all about feeling abandoned... I broke down when I realized that.. "if you don't have anyone else, at least you have your family". I don't have my family.. they have all abandoned me.. well.. supporting my mother.. is abandonment.. I'm the one actually choosing to stay away.. cuz I don't need no psychotics in my life.
Anyway.. it's amazing what that big jump did.. I went from being sick every morning from stress to my whole body relaxing ... I ended up being sore all over as if I had just spent the day working out non-stop.. hardly being able to walk or do anything....until a hot bath.. and another hot bath... mmm that was nice.. and I'm starting to feel free.. I'm now ready to say good-bye to Michigan!!!

Car situation is good.. the escort sold for 200.. or so the guy says.. think he's a lil upset I wouldn't put out.. but I don't care.. now James is going to be helping me.. after the guy gave me a battery.. I'm on my way to get the valve cover gasket.. battery connectors... some oil and filter.. and something else..i forgot and gotta call him if he doesn't call me back by the time I get to the store.. hopefully coming to the library is giving him enough time to wake up o.~

I've talked before about a friend that I had met and that I thought would do a lot for me.. that is James I was talking about and here is the first time I really point him out. He's done so much for me and for a while I was feeling like I wasn't able to give him anything back, but he's assured me, I'm giving him plenty.. I'm lucky to have him and my other very supportive friends backing me.. I now feel secure and have found myself having more confidence... although I never totally lost my self-esteem.. I have found that it was lowered.. and is now getting stronger and stronger as the days go on. When the car is fixed and I'll have normal transportation again.. I'll feel a lot better and be able to get to and from work..

This is all for now..

James, just know I will always cherish our friendship and can't wait for you to see me fly v.v

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Well.. although I'm back to not having a car.. I'm doing better.. considering all that has happened within the last week.. broke as a btch.. but such is life until the other car sells cuz dude spent my money he got from taking the maxima to the scrap yard.. sht.. i don't even remember all that I've put here.. lemme cover it real quick.. i got a nissan maxima and ford escort (YUK) at an auction.. the maxima's trans blown.. so had to scrap.. $60.00 when $130.00 was paid.. stupid dude.. i told him not over $100.. anyway.. then he went and bought a ford escort.. for $80.00.. i don't like ford.... it worked tho and drives but the CV joint is about to go... i can't afford to fix it.. so to sell that.. we went to another auction and got a cutlass calais.. which would be a great car.. in great shape.. but the valve covers need to be replaced and the battery and/or alternator.. so the escort has to sell for about 280+.. he's asking 400$.. I told him he could keep the profit as long as i break even but now i kinda regret.. can't take it back.. all in all he's helped me out a lot.. just now i don't have any money when i should at least have $60.00.. so that is a bit frustrating... ahhh such is life..

Mother's day was good most of it.. I didn't think too much.. dwell.. on the things that have been happening and with Chase's big heart.. v.v he made me a few cards.. and when getting ready for bed he made another and found a bracelet that was in a basket and gave it to me for Mother's day.. love him to death for that..

Today he still hasn't sold the escort.. so it's gettin a little more frustrating.. on top of that.. there is a law in Washington that transportation for the schools have to provide bussing for homeless kids within 3 days.. well it's been over a week since i've arrived at the new shelter and they still haven't set it up... the first week was okay because i had the escort.. but yesterday and today i have had to ride the bus... my job is lunch dishes this week so i take him to school... and then have to be back by 12:30 .. and then leave to go pick him up.. not much time.. for anything else... such is life.. just better have a bus by tomorrow.. cuz i can't do that much longer...

I'm considering moving south.. just to get out of Vancouver... she knows the general location of where I am.. and although I thought I was just being crazy before.. now I'm not so sure.. thought I saw a man following me while i was staying at the other shelter.. either way.. I might go as far as taking Chase out of school and heading down south.. I have to work out the details and talk to some people.. it will be either near Eugene.. or maybe work my way into California.. will have to see.. I'll keep ya posted when possible.

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