| [February 23 2004] |
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Book deal de jour.
Everyone's favourite high-class call-girl and wearily elegant blogger has a book deal, apparently.
That should provide some interesting challenges for the publicity tour. Perhaps she could hire Julia Roberts to do all the radio and TV appearances for her. And for the publicity shots, she can hire the body double who stood in for Julia Roberts when she played a high class call-girl cinderella. True, Pretty Woman got to marry Richard Gere, which one would think was anything but a happy ending, but who knows, maybe she got a book deal afterwards. It was Hollywood, after all.
Otherwise I can imagine some rather painful conversations going on chez Belle.
Belle: "Mum, Dad, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is I've got a book deal. The bad news is it's about my life as a high-class call girl. Not a prostitute, mind, a call-girl. That means I wear expensive lingerie and discuss Sartre with my clients before they fist me."
Mrs de Jour: "But what happened to your job curing cancer dear?"
Belle: "I made it up Mum. I fuck businessmen for a living."
Mrs de Jour: "We'll tell the neighbours it's a different Belle de Jour, dear. And then we'll move house.
The other alternative is that the the lovely Belle is really a 53-year-old male novelist who normally writes hospital romances for Mills and Boone. After all, anyone claiming prostitution is fun and the girls really rather like their customers would have a be a man, right? Try telling that one to an HIV-positive Kenyan truck-stop prostitute. I can't imagine her blog would be much fun.
"Woke up in my shack. Washed at the standing pump. Got dressed. Fucked a truck-driver for a couple of quid. Fucked another truck driver for a couple of quid. Fucked a few more truck drivers for a couple of quid more. Got beaten up by the last one. Never mind. Fucked truck drivers all afternoon, then went to a bar and fucked some more truck drivers. Made a couple of quid out of them. Went home. Went to bed."
Gripping stuff. But something tells me she would be unlikely to get a book deal. Still, Belle at least proves that this blogging thing can lead to more than just bed-sores and physical fusion with one's pyjamas. Move over Salam Pax, sex is the new Iraq.
Posted by eurotrash at 12:03 pm |
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[Comments count: 58] |
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1: Rumours were flying on Popbitch a while back that she was a "well-known British author"..
Posted by Liadnan at 12:12 pm on 02.23.04 |
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2: Gasp!
Not... not.... not Jilly Cooper, surely? Is nothing sacred?
Posted by Eurotrash at 12:14 pm on 02.23.04 |
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3: Well, Jilly does get heavily into her research. No, really, she does. I know this to be true.
I now feel ill.
Posted by Liadnan at 12:17 pm on 02.23.04 |
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4: no no no, iraq is the new sex.
Posted by hubs at 12:22 pm on 02.23.04 |
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5: I had sex with Belle back in the 80's during our first tour of Great Britain! I wouldn't have remembered her if not for the fact that she was furiously scribbling in her notebook the entire time I was covering her with whipped cream and having her from behind! I thought she wanted me to sign her diary after I blew a load on her back! Who knew!?
Anyway, she wasn't as good as New York groupies, who are the BEST IN THE WORLD!!
And perhaps you should treat this as a lesson, Ms. E. Nobody offers book deals to chicks who have lots of cheap sex FOR FREE! Get your shit together and start charging!
Posted by jon bon jovi at 12:23 pm on 02.23.04 |
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6: The day I begin to have LOTS of cheap sex for free, I shall remember your advice, Jon. But not before I punch the air with my fist and go WOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Posted by Eurotrash at 12:26 pm on 02.23.04 |
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7: That's the spirit!
ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE!!
Oh wait, I didn't write that one.
Posted by jon bon jovi at 12:28 pm on 02.23.04 |
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8: Please forgive me for every bad thing I've said about you in the past (and likely will say in the future). This was effing brilliant.
Posted by TMFTML at 1:01 pm on 02.23.04 |
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9: Colin Bateman's CHAPTER AND VERSE might be scarily prescient on this whole book tour business. Wanna bet semi-gorgeous starlets are lining up to audition to be Belle for the tour's duration?
Posted by Sarah at 1:03 pm on 02.23.04 |
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10: The business of curing cancer to date has been a business of fucking businessmen.
And, frankly, fucking hookers is probably going to do more good for one's health than taking any current cancer drugs.
Posted by Jellyguy at 1:22 pm on 02.23.04 |
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11: sex is the new Iraq
Defoliated, crater-pocked, unclean, and utterly chaotic?
Posted by jonmc at 2:23 pm on 02.23.04 |
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12: Defoliated? Not with me. I singularly fail to rip out all my pubic hair, I'm afraid. That's my call-girl career down the drain.
Posted by Eurotrash at 2:53 pm on 02.23.04 |
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13: She can't possibly have a book deal. There've been no articles about her in the New York Times.
Posted by Matthew Caldecutt at 3:02 pm on 02.23.04 |
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14: ET, I am disgusted. Living in New Jersey is no excuse for a hairy cootchie.
Posted by Jellyguy at 3:04 pm on 02.23.04 |
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15: oh i do believe there's a market for hairy callgirls...in europe.
Posted by krucoff at 3:07 pm on 02.23.04 |
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16: Is that your version of a "GO HOME STUPIDFATDYKE!!!" comment, Krucoff?
Posted by Eurotrash at 3:08 pm on 02.23.04 |
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17: Matthew, the news was included in today's Publisher's Lunch because the deal was first posted on Publisher's Marketplace on Sunday. The Times might run it, but it'll take a while. If anything, the UK papers will jump all over it in the next day or two.
Posted by Sarah at 3:11 pm on 02.23.04 |
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18: i think you should consider moving to "leisure wear" instead of living in your pjs. a nice warm-up suit will do you wonders, dearie. ;-p
Posted by snowy at 3:12 pm on 02.23.04 |
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19: close. it's just my version of a "SHAVE, YOU STUPIDFATDYKE!!!" comment
Posted by krucoff at 3:16 pm on 02.23.04 |
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20: Cold day in hell, honey.
Posted by Eurotrash at 3:17 pm on 02.23.04 |
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21: well dear, that doesn't make much sense cause a cold day in hell is the one time i would suggest NOT shaving.
Posted by krucoff at 3:20 pm on 02.23.04 |
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22: I only play my guitar in the nude for girls who shave their snizz.
No power ballad serenade for you, Eurotrash!
Posted by richie sambora at 3:31 pm on 02.23.04 |
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23: I'll just have to struggle bravely through life without your naked lovin' Richie. It'll be hard, though.
Posted by Eurotrash at 3:34 pm on 02.23.04 |
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24: Damn straight it'll be tough. I don't envy you.
Posted by richie sambora at 3:38 pm on 02.23.04 |
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25: look ET, america opens her arms for all kinds of immigrants, even belgians apparently. we don't ask that you forget your heritage or blindly accept our forward-thinking customs but we are the land of the free and untangled. so for the love of all things holy and smooth, QUIT BEING A PUSSY AND TRIM IT!!
Posted by krucoff at 3:46 pm on 02.23.04 |
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26: Make me.
Posted by Eurotrash at 3:47 pm on 02.23.04 |
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27: Matthew, the news was included in today's Publisher's Lunch because the deal was first posted on Publisher's Marketplace on Sunday. The Times might run it, but it'll take a while. If anything, the UK papers will jump all over it in the next day or two.
Posted by Sarah at 4:00 pm on 02.23.04 |
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28: OK, now this is getting hot.
Posted by Jessica at 4:01 pm on 02.23.04 |
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30: Do not listen to these philistines.
As the poets said:
"Some like it shaved, Some like it bushy, Everybody loves that Nashville Pussy..."
And I'll be proud to say that I'm down with the crotch 'fro. The bald kitty look is for closet pedos.
Posted by jonmc at 4:38 pm on 02.23.04 |
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31: They don't give book deals to shaggy bottoms.
Posted by richie sambora at 4:44 pm on 02.23.04 |
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32: What about bottom shaggers??
Posted by jonmc at 4:47 pm on 02.23.04 |
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33: Yes, almost exclusively.
Posted by richie sambora at 4:50 pm on 02.23.04 |
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34: Better get my strap-on out, then.
Posted by Eurotrash at 4:50 pm on 02.23.04 |
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35: *glances at watch, slaps forehead*
Wow, look at the time....
Posted by jonmc at 4:52 pm on 02.23.04 |
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36: krucoff, you're SO 2003. the hairy cootchie is in this year.
Posted by erin at 5:04 pm on 02.23.04 |
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37: I love how quickly your comments turn to a discussion of anal sex.
BLESS YOU, ET. You are my hero.
Posted by The Fattest Slut in Virginia at 5:06 pm on 02.23.04 |
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38: They don't give book deals to shaggy bottoms.
Posted by richie sambora at 5:11 pm on 02.23.04 |
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39: Goddammit, that was not me.
Posted by richie sambora at 5:12 pm on 02.23.04 |
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40: what's the point of a woman having a magnifico rack if you can't enjoy its view when performing "cunning stunts" on her cause you're lost in a forest?
Posted by krucoff at 5:14 pm on 02.23.04 |
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41: I would dredge up the "can't see the forest for the trees" quote and transform it into comedy gold, if only an 80's has-been like myself knew of these sorts of things.
I can, however, kick your ass. With guitar.
Posted by richie sambora at 5:17 pm on 02.23.04 |
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42: I don't eat and floss at the same time.
It's just bad manners, even in New Jersey.
Posted by Jellyguy at 6:09 pm on 02.23.04 |
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43: Unkempt cooters are the new black.
(Plus "unkempt cooter" is an anagram of "token computer", validating the SAC hypothesis.)
Posted by Sterling at 8:32 pm on 02.23.04 |
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44: Sterling, I have just dispatched a baker's dozen ninjas to ass-ass-inate your sorry ass.
I'm Greek, it's my duty.
Posted by Jellyguy at 10:53 pm on 02.23.04 |
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45: And drunk, too, as well.
Posted by Jellyguy at 10:54 pm on 02.23.04 |
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46: Your ninjas are dead - I threw their bodies in the woodchipper. They're now fertilizer for my magnolia tree.
Posted by Sterling at 12:54 pm on 02.24.04 |
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