| [February 02 2004] |
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The Ageing Manhatannites
Today, we'd like to introduce a new feature: the Eurotrash interview. The inaugural interviewee is myself, blog de jour, blog de rigeur and so comment allez vous. The interview is written by Christopher Hitchens. Other targets this week include some girl who drinks too much, some bloke who drinks too much, and some girl who drinks too much when she hangs out with the other two. If you're new to Christopher Hitchens, we think you will admire his quirky style. He also probably drinks too much.
Eurotrash. She Talks About Poo, You Know
The Basics.
Age and occupation. How long have you lived here, where did you come from, and where do you live now?
Age 47, but I look good on it. Born in a slum in Darlington, but managed to sleep my way up to social acceptance and an apartment in Hampstead. Moved to NYC at 45, been here more or less since. A couple of stints in jail, nothing serious. Current home: third barstool from the left, Filthy McShithole's Bar, Bedford Stuyvesant.
Three For Thee.
1. I have to ask this. (OK. Deep breath. Close eyes. Say it quickly. Here goes...) Could-you-please-explain-your-involvement-in-a-Marie Osmond-fan-book-called-"I'd Like To Give That Marie Osmond A Good Seeing To"? (Whew, just a brief convulsion. No vomit.)
A seminal question that deserves a spunky answer. Way back in the days of yore - let's say, oh, 1958 - I attended a boarding school deep in the woods of New Jersey. (Marie Osmond aficionados could, and indeed do, peg this as the "Reform School Hooligan" days of my youth.) One spring night, who should show up to play in our cafeteria but a cheerily large-toothed Mormon family of six? Let's just say one thing led to another, and a few years later when I was in college, my friend Carlos Belle-de-Jour and I hit upon the idea to write a book about this band, which had graduated to playing mid-sized shopping malls. We self-published 53 copies of it (this was something akin to a high-grade wax tablet and stylus, I have to admit) and hit the road. We sold at least one copy in one weekend of shows, and suddenly we had like $10 - a dangerous, heady thing when you're 33 years old. (On the trip back, Carlos was stopped by the police and accused of being a child molester, because he looks like one. But that's another story for another Ageing Manhattanite to tell.) Eventually, we ended up doing five editions of the book ourselves and selling about 3 copies before Harper Collins bought us out. All in all, your classic Mormon rock sellout story, lacking only the gratuitous sex. (As everyone knows, Osmond fans don't get laid. Because they don't want to, because the little baby Jesus would be unhappy).
2. Your contribution to European Letters is quite impressive and multifarious: ruminations on real estate, restaurant reviews, and the recent launch of a landmark birthday book series. Are there other areas of interest you plan to wave your prolific publishing wand at?
It's worth noting that the subtitle of I'd Like To Give That Marie Osmond A Good Seeing To was "The ultimate piece of Poo ever." I see my contribution to European letters thusly - a constant quest to provide only the finest in toilet literature. I believe my seminal work Book of Poos clears this bar, as does blogging about my poos in general.
3. Lower East Side vs. Williamsburg, care to comment?
Lower East Side can be anagrammed "I like to talk about my poos"; Williamsburg as "Talking about poo is no fun". I rest my case.
Proust-Hitchens Questionnaire
Best celebrity sighting in New York, or personal experience with one if you're that type.
Hearing Sarah Jessica Parker straining with a particularly recalcitrant poo in the bathroom cubicle next to me at Wendy's Restuarant on Canal Street. It was a glittering opening night party and I was thrilled to be allowed to hang on her every grunt.
What was your best dining experience in NYC?
The Olive Garden era in the mid-1980s, before it was discovered by everyone from Maccers' sister to the Michelin Guide. Just an unthinkable run, the likes of which may never be repeated.
Just how much do you really love New York?
Not enough to root for the Yankees or Mets. However, I do throb slightly when I think about the LES.
Medication: What and how much do you take?
Zantax, Prozac, cocaine, crack, speed, diet pills, KGB pills. The usual.
9pm, Wednesday night - what are you doing?
Trick question, right? I mean, come on. I've got toenail clippers and feet like a hobbit. What other time do you think I have the social space to file down my verrucas?
What's your New York motto?
"Sorry. I was drunk".
The End of The World is finally happening. Be it the Rapture, War of Armageddon, reversal of the Sun's magnetic field, or the Red Sox win the World Series. What are you going to do with your last 24 hours in NYC?
The Sox have won the series? Who are they? Anyway, I'd buy a gun, point it at the head of the nearest cute man and demand he have sex with me. Then I would become a heroin addict.
Posted by eurotrash at 9:07 pm |
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[Comments count: 29] |
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1: i thought 9 pm wed night was bulgarian bar night. no?
Posted by snowy at 9:18 pm on 02.02.04 |
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2: Nah. It's closed on Wednesday nights, hence the hobbit-culling vis-a-vis the feet. In other news, I'm really hoping this post will generate a "Sarah Jessica Parker + poo" Google search hit.
Posted by Eurotrash at 9:36 pm on 02.02.04 |
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3: ah, ET, always raisin' a stink ;)
Posted by EB at 10:02 pm on 02.02.04 |
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4: i would love to believe you are only ten years (give or take a few years) younger than my mum. however, i am not stupid. i know you are probably in your (rollicking) seventies.
macy gray's song: gimme all your lovin' or i will kill you
seems appropriate given your response to the last question...
Posted by j-a at 9:44 am on 02.03.04 |
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5: The one question neither asked nor answered:
How smashed were you when you conducted this interview of yourself?
Posted by Jellyguy at 10:59 am on 02.03.04 |
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6: Throb on!
Posted by Lock at 12:23 pm on 02.03.04 |
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7: I had a dream I got arrested last night at an unnamed US airport. It was awful.
Posted by Eurotrash at 12:55 pm on 02.03.04 |
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8: Wow, quite the study in minutiae. Congratulations.
Posted by el kabong at 1:09 pm on 02.03.04 |
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9: I am disenchanted with the blogosphere today.
Posted by Eurotrash at 1:14 pm on 02.03.04 |
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10: Why, darling? Did someone you were interested in tell you they are moving from New York and getting married to someone else?
Oh, no, wait, that was me.
Posted by Jellyguy at 1:27 pm on 02.03.04 |
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11: I'm sorry, that was actually uncalled for. I guess I just miss your tales of debauchery and I've worked through your back catalogue already and it's slow at work today. Seriously, didn't mean to upset you.
Posted by el kabong at 1:27 pm on 02.03.04 |
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12: You haven't upset me. Various things have upset me but it's mainly to do with badly-written self-absorbed tales of grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch. I need to get out more.
Posted by Eurotrash at 1:33 pm on 02.03.04 |
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13: fuck, now i have total fecal envy. i'm going out for lunch, gonna eat a grilled cheese sandwich and try to girlfriend my dump.
Posted by krucoff at 2:12 pm on 02.03.04 |
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14: Interestingly, I myself had a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch myself today. Haven't had a poo yet, though.
Posted by Eurotrash at 2:27 pm on 02.03.04 |
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15: i am still stunned at "47"... i read it about 3 hrs ago and just finally came to. rawk on wit your badself!
ps...make ur grilled cheese with whole wheat or even rye instead of white... it will make for better blogging..LOL
Posted by sweetchica at 2:49 pm on 02.03.04 |
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16: I'm not really 47, you know. I lied. But I can't tell you old I really am, as it may give away vital clues to my well-protected identity. I'm not TMFTML, mind. She's someone else entirely.
Posted by Eurotrash at 2:57 pm on 02.03.04 |
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17: "I believe my seminal work Book of Poos clears this bar, as does blogging about my poos in general. " Perhaps this could be followed, en suite with a modern music piece, "Claire de Poos"?
Reposted under the CORRECT entry (duh)
Posted by Bwana from Beantown at 3:14 pm on 02.03.04 |
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18: oh right, now i remember you from that night at hifi. i was giving TMFTML a thigh rub and almost puked on maccers. i'm not sure if it was the beer but you looked positively protean. the ass of a 47 year old and everything else looked..eh, 30ish?
Posted by krucoff at 3:33 pm on 02.03.04 |
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19: Whole wheat?!?!?!
Rye?!?!?!
Blasphemy! Sacrilege! A hundred lashes for the infidel who defiles the Holy Name of Grilled Cheese!
All who pray at the altar of the Holy Grilled Cheese know that there is only One Bread, and Its Name is White, and One Cheese, and Its Name is Gruyere.
You weren't expecting the Manchego Inquisition, as no one does.
Posted by Jellyguy at 3:36 pm on 02.03.04 |
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20: Can't remember Hi Fi. I'll have to ask Maccers if I was there. Did anyone drop any full glasses of Sancerre on the floor? That's usually a good giveawy that I'm in attendance.
And the cheese was cheddar, by the way.
Posted by Eurotrash at 3:44 pm on 02.03.04 |
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21: No. You weren't there. At least not in person anyway.
Posted by maccers at 3:46 pm on 02.03.04 |
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22: How dare you turn MY dangerous living situation into a portion of your fake profile. I was running into a humor block and had to resort to moving from Bushwick to Bed-stuy. It backfired, as you can't get high speed internet there, and so I will never blog again.
I will only consent to the upcoming interview if it is conducted by Joyce Carol Oats.
Posted by hereitype at 3:55 pm on 02.03.04 |
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23: ET, what a relief! i thought a 47 y/o hot mamma was having a better life than myself! i can deal with it being Demi Moore, b/c who else can pay for all that surgery..but regular folk!?!? i had the oven turned on and my head in it!!!
Jelly, i was only suggesting tips for better Poo stories, since we've all come to cherish them so. i didn't mean to violate any International Cheese Treaties, please accept my apologies... i'll accept a flogging - if it's done in private.
Posted by sweetchica at 4:14 pm on 02.03.04 |
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24: I dream about poo sometimes. I don't like it. Usually, in the dream you need to use the bathroom but all the toilets in every bathroom you can find are filled up with disgusting, dense poo. The entire dream is spent rushing around trying to find a clean bathroom.
Last night I dreamt I was Jesus in Jesus Christ Superstar. I went around blessing everybody, then I was in the garden singing "take this cup awaaaay from me" (heh, something Eurotrash never does), then I got crucified and woke up. Needless to say it's been an extremely crappy week. I think I must be feeling a bit persecuted lately. I hope I don't have a martyr complex. Ick, martyrs.
Posted by someoneSomewhere at 6:29 pm on 02.03.04 |
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25: The LES is definitely a part of town to throb about!
Posted by lotus at 7:24 pm on 02.03.04 |
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26: A grilled cheddar cheese sandwich-- that should halt any talk of poo for a while.
Posted by Lux at 10:26 pm on 02.03.04 |
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27: It appears to have done so, sadly.
Posted by Eurotrash at 10:59 pm on 02.03.04 |
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28: Flogging. Yum.
Almost makes me poop my pants in anticipation.
Posted by Jellyguy at 12:08 am on 02.04.04 |
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