| [January 28 2004] |
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You like me. You really like me.
You will have to forgive me. I am wiped out after a night of mutually masturbating Maccers, while my totally unbelievably cool other blog friends looked on, enthralled.
Now. The thing about Sarah is that she's dead cool. She resisted my attempts at mutually masturbating her, but then, you can't have everything. But Sarah does *good* comments. When she comes to your blog, it's the equivalent of getting a gold star for effort. She graces it with wit and style. Both much-needed qualities around here. If I could lock her in a cellar and make her comment on my blog every day at gun point, I would. Or maybe I should just chop off her foot or something. I don't know.
Anyway, as I sycophantically attempted to persuade her to join my new cult of blog-inspired reciprocal onanism, she just gave me a funny look and moved away.
No matter. I shall always love her and a candle will be lit daily at the altar I have built for her in my living room, nonetheless.
But she got me thinking about comments. Comments are great because it proves someone other than your dead relatives reads your blog. Unless you make them all up, like I do, just to make people think you are cool. It takes me all day to get comments threads up to 40 replies, you know. I work hard for your [my] pleasure. Even Maccers doesn't really exist, you know. I write her blog too. She is a figment of my mutually masturbated imagination.
So here, in my weightily-considered and highly influential opinion, is a list of the top ten people you want commenting on your blog.
- Sir Tim Berners-Lee. Like, duh! How cool would THAT be?
- Anyone who writes a literary blog and has influential contacts at the Village Voice, the Brooklyn Enquirer or the Toledo Star. We all crave fame and our work printed out, occasionally.
- Anyone who Googly outranks you page-wise.
- The cool guy who writes that really cool blog that looks amazing that everyone is talking about this week and saying he's really hott!
- Belle, because she never comments anywhere and did you know that if you look her up on Technorati she's got like, 700 links into her site. Wow. I need to get me some of that.
- Anyone who says, "OMG, you are really hott!" They are probably dwarf-like psychopaths with socially affected disorders, but hey. A compliment is a compliment in my book. Which incidentally, does not yet have a deal with a major New York publisher. Has the world gone mad?
- Nelson Mandela. That would be super cool.
- John Cusack. Yes, I still want him. Even if he did have carnal relations with both Neve Campbell and Minnie Driver. No-one is perfect and you want to see some of the beasts I have entertained romantically in the past.
- Anyone who says: "You are the funniest thing I have ever read and I am going to send this link to everyone I know, including all my hundreds of successful and influential friends in publishing and journalism who will totally adore you and shower you with money and fame and great sex." Yeah. That would be nice.
- Everyone else. But lots of them. No Hobbit lovers, please.
Posted by eurotrash at 10:09 am |
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[Comments count: 51] |
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1: how fortuitous that I should start today’s leisurely web-based stroll here, at this very site, on this lovely, fluffily snow-filled morning in manhattan. in this here-to-for comment-less environment, I feel as though I am making virgin tracks, so to speak, across the unblemished white surface of a field in rural new jersey. frankly, i am surprised even to be up and ambulatory, as the better part of my night was spent masturbating to the thought of maccers and eurotrash and belle tangled in a limb-strewn ball of ‘quid pro quo’ sapphic onanism. The image of a steaming pile of exquisitely formed poo-poo may or may not have entered in to the equation. alas, i do not give good comment, but i have at least managed to work the words/phrases “poo-poo” and “quid pro quo” into the same paragraph.
Posted by alex at 10:46 am on 01.28.04 |
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2: You are soooooo hotttttttttttt! I want to stroke your hair, my pretty, with a knife.
Posted by maccers at 10:48 am on 01.28.04 |
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3: OMG!!!!!! You guys RAWK!
:-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-)
Posted by eurotrash at 10:58 am on 01.28.04 |
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4: You are the funniest thing I have ever read and I am going to send this link to everyone I know, including all my hundreds of unsuccessful and bitter friends in prison who will totally adore you and shower you with abuse and vitriol and great sex, well they say it is great, but it hurts when they get you by yourself.
Posted by pelvey at 11:00 am on 01.28.04 |
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5: You are the funniest thing I have ever read and I am going to send this link to everyone I know, including all my hundreds of successful and influential friends in publishing and journalism who will totally adore you and shower you with money and fame and great sex.
Posted by Rupert Murdoch at 11:07 am on 01.28.04 |
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6: JISM JISM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lots of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Come to my site for free money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by maccers at 11:30 am on 01.28.04 |
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7: I write a little column for the Village Voice and I just want to tell you that I think your work is divine. Indeed, inspired--if you only cleaned it up just a smidgen. Well then you'd really have something.
Posted by Cynthia Cotts at 11:30 am on 01.28.04 |
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8: You rock my world, baby
Posted by Lord Black of Crossharbour at 11:37 am on 01.28.04 |
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9: I'd fancy the arse off you if I was so-inclined
Posted by Pippin Took at 11:38 am on 01.28.04 |
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10: I write on the padded walls of my cell, the headrest of my happy-tingly-chair, even the alabaster skin of that pretty nurse after I pumped her full of chlorine with her shiny syringe.
Can I write on you too? I promise to use a fresh razor...
I will write on your hobbit, too, if you can make him stop squirming.
Posted by Jellyguy at 11:52 am on 01.28.04 |
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11: You should have a TV show.
Posted by Oprah Winfrey at 11:55 am on 01.28.04 |
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12: This is inappropriate use of the commenting facility.
Posted by Sir Tim Berners-Lee at 11:56 am on 01.28.04 |
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13: UR HOTT I want too make U cum
Posted by Jon Koosak at 11:59 am on 01.28.04 |
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14: I would have gladly spent 27 MORE years in prison if I could spend it with you.
Posted by Nelson Mandela at 12:02 pm on 01.28.04 |
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15: HI. LOVE YOUR SITE.
COME TO MY SITE AND GET A BIG PENIS!
Posted by Interested Reader at 12:14 pm on 01.28.04 |
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16: You are a stupid bitch.
Posted by Belle de Jour at 12:19 pm on 01.28.04 |
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17: E.T. I think you have cabin fever.
You need a job woman. You got too much free time.
Posted by someoneSomewhere at 12:32 pm on 01.28.04 |
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18: I was going to post something about mutual masturbation, but I was distracted by the "Remember me" checkbox. I think it's really romantic how you ask your readers to keep you in their thoughts. I will remember you, ET, and I check the box as a reminder of my pledge.
Posted by Chris at 12:54 pm on 01.28.04 |
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19: Hell, I had Neve Campbell and Minnie Driver at the same time.
Posted by John Cusack at 12:59 pm on 01.28.04 |
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20: I was going to post something about mutual masturbation, but I was distracted by the "Remember me" checkbox. I think it's really romantic how you ask your readers to keep you in their thoughts. I will remember you, ET, and I check the box as a reminder of my pledge.
Posted by Chris at 12:59 pm on 01.28.04 |
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21:
Posted by John Cusack at 12:59 pm on 01.28.04 |
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22: Gah, double post. Ahh, I guess it goes with the theme of the thread.
Posted by Chris at 1:03 pm on 01.28.04 |
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23: I will leave sticky notes on everyone's desk on the 25th floor, proclaiming your wit and comment-generating skills.
Posted by Janitor at Conde Nast at 1:52 pm on 01.28.04 |
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24: I will leave sticky notes on everyone's desk on the 25th floor, proclaiming your wit and comment-generating skills.
Posted by Janitor at Conde Nast at 1:58 pm on 01.28.04 |
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25: Qué curioso que digas eso. Eres tan graciosa, y es un placer a dar masajes a tu . . . ¡papaya! ¡Ja-ja! Es una broma! En serio: qué signifiqué decir es eso: es un placer a dar masajes a su EGO. Eres muy hott. Continúe el trabajo sucio que me causa a risa tanto, y veten la chingada los pinche jobbits. Saludos.
Posted by angelo at 2:08 pm on 01.28.04 |
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26: Bardzo żaluję, ale nie mogę przyjść.
Posted by lech walesa at 2:27 pm on 01.28.04 |
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27: Czego się pan napije?
Posted by Pope John Paul at 2:37 pm on 01.28.04 |
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28: i think i've entered the twilight zone...
Posted by sweetchica at 2:40 pm on 01.28.04 |
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29: ¡Amo hobbits!
Posted by Janitor at Conde Nast who is a at 2:47 pm on 01.28.04 |
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30: 14: I would have gladly spent 27 MORE years in prison if I could spend it with you.
Arf
Posted by FWDK at 2:58 pm on 01.28.04 |
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31: don't stop now people. i think she reaches climax at 40 comments.
Posted by alex at 3:02 pm on 01.28.04 |
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32: I'm glad I could be your #4. You're welcome.
Posted by Scott-san at 3:04 pm on 01.28.04 |
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33: U.R. a sad virgin LOL! LOL!
:-) :-)
Posted by Cereda at 3:07 pm on 01.28.04 |
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34: You are the funniest thing I have ever read, and oh my god, are you hot. I would lick you cross-eyed if you took Hobbit lovers and if your crotch were much, much lower.
Posted by Bill Bow at 3:12 pm on 01.28.04 |
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35: My god, now you've even managed to develop post-modernist comments....
Posted by Vanessa at 3:14 pm on 01.28.04 |
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36: you forgot the best kind of comments: the ones that involve only smilies/ emoticons. I mean really, those take loads of effort.
Posted by liz at 3:21 pm on 01.28.04 |
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37: ¡Amo hobbits mucho!
Posted by Hispanic dwarf/Janitor at 3:27 pm on 01.28.04 |
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38: What's wrong with hobbits?
Posted by logtar at 4:02 pm on 01.28.04 |
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39: Hello! Hobbits are very post-modernist.
(Pssst, ET, LOTR Weekly wants to hire you. Let me know your level of interest.)
Posted by Dwarf du jour at 4:11 pm on 01.28.04 |
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40: oh yeah.. about the hobbits... what's that saying about protesting TOO much?!?! hmmmmmmmmm....
Posted by sweetchica at 4:37 pm on 01.28.04 |
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41: Jesus. I turn my back for one minute to get and get an uber trendy hair do and all the fricking hobbit lovers come crawling out to play.
Posted by Eurotrash at 5:43 pm on 01.28.04 |
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42: I think I qualify on the Out-googling you, but it's only because I'm a reporter and at last count had about 5 dozen google pages. It's not because I'm any good :-)
Still love you, Ms. Trash. My day begins and ends with your humor.
Posted by Bitchreporter at 5:45 pm on 01.28.04 |
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43: I want you.
I need you.
Don't listen to all those prisoners and Hispanics and Hobbits. I never have.
Be my new Secretary Of Defence!
Posted by George W at 6:06 pm on 01.28.04 |
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44: photos of you new 'do please!
oh.. and i'll bet it makes you even HOTtTtTtTtTtTER.
(as if such a thing were humanly possible. shuh.)
Posted by snowy at 6:18 pm on 01.28.04 |
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45: You make me feel like a talentless loser. You are hott.
Posted by Dave Eggers at 9:13 pm on 01.28.04 |
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46: Oops! Double post!
Posted by Double Poster at 9:14 pm on 01.28.04 |
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47: Oops! Double Post!
Posted by Double Poster at 9:14 pm on 01.28.04 |
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48: We are huge fans of your blog and by reading it daily we have come to the realization that waiting for Godot is fruitless. From now on, we wait only for Eurotrash.
Posted by Vladimir and Estragon at 3:47 am on 01.29.04 |
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49: I love how you have your own horde of angry spam commenters now. You are my IDOL.
Posted by styro at 4:21 pm on 01.30.04 |
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