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Take it like a man, Legolas.
At the risk of a flame war with Middle-Earth dwelling worldwideinternetweb dweebs, I have to say I think the Lord of the Rings - with its books, films and associated role-playing borderline furry fans - is a monumental pile of wank.
I read LOTR over and over again when I was a kid, and would gladly have surrendered my virginity to Aragorn, Son of Arathorn. And then you know what? I grew up. And realised it's a pile of badly-written surpressed homo-erotic shite. But what I hate most about LOTR is the people who go on and on and on about fancying this chap:
Legolas. Now, first off, he's a fucking elf, so he doesn't fucking exist so he is not going to give you sexual or emotional satisfaction. Secondly, he's got appalling hair. But the real killer is you just know that poncy little arsewipe is going to be rubbish in bed.
Oh yes. We've all slept with a Legolas, haven't we girls? He doesn't really like sex much as it distracts him from his higher calling of sticking his narcissistic head up his over-appreciative arse. He's the kind of boyfriend you initially admire for being intelleskshual, like, until you realise the fact that he *claims* to have read Stephen Hawking doesn't of it itself turn him into a Ph.D.
In bed, at least in his head, he is hot stuff because he once deigned to listen to the only woman who ever told him he wasn't. He killed her later and burned the body, as no-one must know of his fallibility. Unfortunately he killed her before she actually got around to giving him any decent tips and as a result he flaps around uselessly with all the skill of a mentally ill Mormon, occasionally breaking off to give you meaningful looks, so you can cue up the obligatory "ooh, ah, you're so good" platitudes. The only reason the rest of us don't tell him he's crap in bed is because we're afraid he'll start crying again. His one redeeming feature is that he's quick. Legolas rarely manages to last more than five minutes. And we don't have to bother faking because he doesn't actually care if we come or not. There is a God.
Thinking about all the Legolases I've endured down the years got me thinking about shagging his mates. As one does. My analysis below for your consideration.
Aragorn
Providing one could overcome the almighty stench - baths are for wimps and women - one would get a hell of a pounding from the Son of Arathorn. Oh dear me yes. No foreplay with this big boy warrior, just POW! Spread 'em baby here I come. Energetic, yes. Stamina, oh my, yes, he can go for days old Aragorn, and he doesn't need much food or watering. Finesse? Forget it. And he's not going to fall for the old finger up the bum technique if you get tired. Aragorn will come when he's good and ready. And not before. You'll need ointment for the chafing afterwards. You will tire of him eventually.
Boromir
Same as Aragorn, only he'd bite your nipples nastily and weep with self-loathing after orgasm.
Frodo
You don't have to worry much about sex, good or otherwise, with a Frodo. Life is one long tormented drama with a Frodo. They don't want to shag you so much as sit you down and bore you senseless with the latest crisis in their fucked-up little worlds.
"So then, like, on top of everything else Gandalf came along and said I had to take some stupid ring halfway across Middle Earth. And I said, like, don't I have enough to worry about with my boss on my back at work, my girlfriend dumping me, my pet fish having mange AND I'm never at my best with this bad back anyway. I mean, for heavens sake, don't I ever get a break? So I schlep all the way to Mordor with only stupid elfcakes to eat and then I get there and there's this really horrible spider who totally has it in for me and then to top it all some wanker bites my finger off and then..."
He is unable to get, never mind sustain a decent hard-on. Which is something of a relief when you think about it.
Gimli
Gimli is that leathery little old man in the pub corner that you dare your friends to shag for a million pounds. His touch would be dry, his breathing heavy and his breath rancid. Ideally he would like you to dress as a schoolgirl and call him granddaddy, but he's probably not brave enough to ask outright. He'll give you a toffee apple when he's done though.
Merry and Pippin
Merry and Pippin only have eyes for each other. Because they are gay, like all the cute ones we fall in love with. Tough luck girls.
Sam
Sam is that awful younger shag you did once when you were 25, and bitterly regretted afterwards. You were drunk and feeling like you were on the shorter road to 30, and he was 18 and almost certainly a virgin even though he pretended not to be. But he had to be. It was that bad. And afterwards he just WOULDN'T LEAVE and wanted to cuddle and be your boyfriend and say "I love you" and hold hands and spend warm nights in front of the [gas] fire, and get a joint mortgage and go on holiday together and do all those really grown-up things. And all you can think about is how to get him out of your house and your life before you throw-up.
Gandalf
Gandalf would require Viagra and possibly a pump. You on the other hand would require a lot of alcohol.
Galadriel
Have you ever gone to bed with someone you thought mysterious and cool and woken up next to a bug-eyed raging psycho? That's our Galadriel for you. Oh yes, she's undoubtedly pale and interesting in a chilly slash-all-your-underpants-when-you're-out kind of way. She's the kind of woman who beheads your dog when she's pre-menstrual and you've left the cap off the toothpaste. The sex is hot, but beware her extensive collection of serrated strap-ons. She likes to ride hard.
Arwen
Arwen is like all those remarkably perfect mature girls at school who all had steady loving relationships at the age of 17 and went to a country house hotel once they were 18 to lose their virginity to their devoted boyfriend in a beautiful, loving, warm environment, instead of in a backpacking hostel with a waiter in Greece like most normal people. She has a lot of sex and it's always totally perfect. She always has orgasms because she is perfect and perfect people always have perfect sex. In fact, sometimes she says she gets bored having so many wonderful orgasms, and as she says it she looks at you with tender concern because she knows you're lucky if you get one a decade, despite fucking half the western world in the attempt. And that's when you fantasise about stabbing her eyeballs.
Eowyn
Eowyn doesn't *do* sex. Captain of netball at school, she saw dogs mating once when she was out riding and it put her off. Silly cow.
Saruman
Saruman would wear a smoking jacket and feed you cognac and lick you cross-eyed and shag you six ways into heaven. When he wasn't out with his Orc mates getting into trouble on a Friday night down the high road. One of those blokes who is scared of committment, our Sauraman. He's a bad boy, a rogue, he looks at porn and wants to act it out. He also wants to rule Middle Earth, which is a bit of a pain in the arse, but you'll convince yourself to stick with him because the sex is good and heck, you're too old and cynical to go poncing up the aisle in a white dress anyway. Unfortunately, after eight years he will leave you for a dental nurse.
The rest don't really do much for me, even on the bad sex front. Elrond was chemically castrated way back when, after an incident with an underage shrub. Tom Bombadil is obviously way too stoned to even think about sex, and Treebeard doesn't have a penis. For details of sex with Orcs, just read any of my past stories about ex-boyfriends.
Posted by eurotrash at 10:10 pm |
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[Comments count: 95] |
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1: Hey ET, you might want to check this out from last year:
http://www.tartcity.com/lotr_motm.html
I take it that the Harry Potter world will not be fair game for your analysis though. Just as well, really (although I have too many friends with illegal lust for the kid who plays Draco Malfoy. Why, when Draco=young Eminem + stupid Russian world champion figure skater.)
Posted by Sarah at 10:53 pm on 01.21.04 |
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2: I guess the difference is that some people actually *want* to fuck these people. They just remind me of all my sexual failures personally, but then, it's fairly obvious I need drugs and counselling.
Posted by Eurotrash at 11:01 pm on 01.21.04 |
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3: And ooh, I once saw a site about twins + incest [known as twincest in the trade] about the Weasly twins. It was full of fanfic. It was awful. I could smell the bodily fluids pouring over the keyboard.
Posted by Eurotrash at 11:06 pm on 01.21.04 |
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4: Just when I thought I couldn't love you more.
Lets have a torrid lesbian affair after I lose my baby weight. Well, and the baby too.
Posted by jenB at 12:01 am on 01.22.04 |
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5: Ah, that first sentence was a breath of fresh air, ET. Borderline furries indeed. I think of LOTR as a fetish the whole family can enjoy.
I know there is a whole brood of Weasleys, but which ones are the twins?
Posted by Lux at 12:36 am on 01.22.04 |
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6: I guess it's the nature of fetishes, to make their way into the mainstream -- and I never thought about LOTR that way before, but the way you put it makes too much sense. Obviously the obsessive re-reading smacks of some sort of pathology; I think what threw me is the fact that alot of these people don't bother to disguise their fetish (something even birtch-bum-whackers know to do).
Now I'm afriad of what those C.S. Lewis fans get up to in there rooms late at night. (A magic wardrobe [read: closet]; a dwarf[!]; a talking beaver[!!!]; four kids and a lion for christ's sake[!!??])
Posted by rasputin at 2:39 am on 01.22.04 |
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7: The twins are Fred and George and I'm sorry I know that.
Posted by Eurotrash at 8:02 am on 01.22.04 |
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8: Yes, and fate being the twisted thing it is, when you're 106 and can't remember your own name, you'll remember that!
Posted by Tel at 8:28 am on 01.22.04 |
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9: Sadly, I knew that too. What's worse is that I've been subjected to far too many pieces of Harry Potter 'fic. The most annoying ones are those that are better written than Rowling's books, and I think, why can't they write original stuff instead of wasting their time on fanfic??
Twincest--new to me, but I fail to be surprised at the sick combinations people come up with (besides, you can always see the movie DEAD RINGERS for that sort of thing, I believe.)
Posted by Sarah at 10:13 am on 01.22.04 |
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10: Fanfic makes me hurl as a rule, but I thought this was rather funny.
Posted by Eurotrash at 10:26 am on 01.22.04 |
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11: Wow. You amaze me daily. So funny!
Posted by erika at 10:42 am on 01.22.04 |
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12: not only is the aragorn-lust completely lost on me, the viggo-lust is lost on me. he has the sort of square-jawed man-face that makes you *think* you're supposed to want to do him, but look at him - besides all the sweat, stubble, stringy hair, and lack of eyebrows, he appears to be unaware of the existence of human females.
now, while I don't fancy legolas, orlando bloom himself is another story....
Posted by erin at 10:58 am on 01.22.04 |
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13: Oh, the bit about sam... oh, it brought tears to my eyes. I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe. My coworkers think I've gone mad. And I have. ET, you're the greatest. Somebody send this link to an editor friend at Harper Collins. Miss Trash needs a book deal.
Posted by styro at 11:10 am on 01.22.04 |
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14: Sweet Eurotrash, everyone knows in their heart of hearts that Legolas is a Champion of Chelsea, a true Friend of Dorothy. There isn't a heterosexual molecule in his lithe, boyish body. And he's into dwarves, to boot.
This is what you get when Brits write fantasy fiction. Whimsical homoerotic pedophilia. At least simpleton American writers stick to the Xena concept: big, brawny women who drag home antelope carcasses for dinner, wear skimpy she-man outfits, and use their lubed-up spear shafts as Anal Annihilators on their hapless, wimpy sex slaves.
Posted by Jellyguy at 11:21 am on 01.22.04 |
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15: But Xena is a lesbian. She fancies Gabrielle.
Posted by Eurotrash at 11:23 am on 01.22.04 |
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16: Your statement that Legolas "is not going to give you sexual or emotional satisfaction" implies that any man will. Now who's living in a fantasy world?
That said, all women love a man with a full quiver who knows his way around the underbrush.
Posted by cw at 11:30 am on 01.22.04 |
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17: You're forgetting one important issue: Merry and Pippin are not the only gay dwarves in the moive. Frodo, Sam, Legolas and all the other elves are obv. also completely flaming. Boromir too, most likely.
And we all know about Gandalf.
Posted by Gay Dwarf Movie at 11:31 am on 01.22.04 |
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18: Of course she is. But it speaks volumes that the British fantasy is little girly-boys like Legolas, girly-children like the Hobbits, in general characters who are on the receiving end of a strap-on or a motorcycle muscle-boy.
Whereas, in Xena's mud-hovel, she's the one wielding the strap-on.
Posted by Jellyguy at 11:35 am on 01.22.04 |
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19: This? Is fucking amazing. Spot on, across the board. Hopefully it will make its way out into the LOTR "community" somehow and you'll shortly have a horde of outraged objectors here on your backblog whinging away.
Not to out myself too obviously as a geek, however, but before they get here you might want to fix the spelling of Saruman. Or maybe not, you don't want to seem TOO "in the know," after all . . .
Posted by Nate at 11:58 am on 01.22.04 |
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20: Oops. That'll be me confusing him with Sauron. I'd had glass or two of wine, you see. It messes with my inner geek.
Posted by Eurotrash at 12:01 pm on 01.22.04 |
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21: Stryo, I sent this link to someone I know who works at a newspaper owned by Satan himself. He loved it. I don't know that he's in a position to hire though. Can't hurt anyway.
Posted by someoneSomewhere at 12:48 pm on 01.22.04 |
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22: surpressed homo-erotic shite.
Could be worse. Could be non-repressed shite-erotic homos.
I would also like to go on record, by announcing that I am one of maybe 5 people on the internet, who has not seen any of the LOTR movies nor read any of the books. And I don't want to. I've also never been inside a dance club, attended a rave, had a body piercing or a tattoo, eaten a salad or rollerbladed.
I am inordinately proud of all these non-accomplishments.
Posted by jonmc at 12:53 pm on 01.22.04 |
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23: I don't know any of the names, but I'm a big fan of the big flaming vagina in the sky.
Posted by lotus at 12:57 pm on 01.22.04 |
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24: That would almost certainly be Sauron, and I think he'd be rather cross with you for that description.
Today's random Google search hits: "Romanian chat-up lines", "Polish accent" and the charming "Sister forced to suck [ahem] cock". God bless the worldwideinternetweb.
Posted by Eurotrash at 1:11 pm on 01.22.04 |
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25: Awesome. And I think you know I'm talking about the "sister forced to suck cock" thing. Wait, wha--?
Posted by Scott-san at 1:53 pm on 01.22.04 |
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26: what about wormtongue?
Posted by kevin at 1:58 pm on 01.22.04 |
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27: Ah come on. Give a girl a break. Even I wouldn't shag Wormtongue, no matter HOW drunk I was.
Posted by Eurotrash at 2:08 pm on 01.22.04 |
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28: who are these people? and why does that flaming vagina have an eyeball in it?
Posted by hubs at 2:31 pm on 01.22.04 |
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29: I've found that most flaming vaginas come with at least two eyeballs, but I've been told it's not very graceful to refer to ex-girlfriends as flaming vaginas.
To me, it looks more like a flaming cock-ring. Does that make me a bad person?
Posted by Jellyguy at 3:07 pm on 01.22.04 |
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30: Is it true that elf-gratification can make you blind?
Posted by brian at 4:13 pm on 01.22.04 |
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31: i disagree ET, after i made aragorn shower and shave, i would have a 3sum with him and legolas... with all that fighting testosterone flowing through their veins, they'd be trying to out do the other one...and arwen looks too repressed to me to have an orgasm, nevermind enjoy one. she's a tease.
Posted by dee at 4:21 pm on 01.22.04 |
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32: It's a flaming vagina, and I'm not surprised that, as usual, men don't know what the eye is for.
Posted by Old Hag at 4:22 pm on 01.22.04 |
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33: Eye? What eye? There's an eye there?
Perhaps I am a gay man. Haunted by flaming, prophetic vaginas with eyeballs and nightlights, mistaking them for superheated, luminous cock-rings.
Posted by Jellyguy at 5:35 pm on 01.22.04 |
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34: ohmy. as usual eurotrash. you always make me laugh. now i dont think i can see LOTR without thinking about each character's performance (or lack thereof) in bed.
Posted by gera at 8:44 pm on 01.22.04 |
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35: Welcome to my world, gera.
Posted by Eurotrash at 9:25 pm on 01.22.04 |
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36: Vagina in The Sky keeps on flamin'
Don't know if it it'll come tomorrow....
Posted by jonmc at 9:49 pm on 01.22.04 |
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37: I had a threesome with Arwen and Eowyn, and you're totally off base about both of them.
Posted by Greg at 10:00 pm on 01.22.04 |
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38: Are you saying that Treebeard can't get wood?
Can't believe that nobody said that, but the obvious jokes are what I'm here for.
Posted by fridgemagnet at 10:47 pm on 01.22.04 |
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39: Not as amusing as the fanfiction.net piece you linked, but amusing anyway.
http://homepages.nyu.edu/~amw243/diaries/
Posted by dailynightly at 11:00 pm on 01.22.04 |
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40: absolutely hilarious-good show!
Posted by e at 11:16 pm on 01.22.04 |
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41: Dailynightly, that is absolutely hilarious. I feel somehow stronger about facing the hideousness that is life, after that.
Posted by Eurotrash at 11:25 pm on 01.22.04 |
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42: jonmc, absolutely classic Journey reference.
Posted by Jellyguy at 2:43 am on 01.23.04 |
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43: gandalf actually had once been married and those who knew the couple say they were very much in love, though the relationship lacked much of a physical component. but late one blind-drunk night in umbar their showstopping william tell routine went horribly awry, and the old wizard went on the lam, disappearing into a hazy, drug-addicted exile. eventually he resurfaced among the easterlings, whose markets teemed with the young, easily bought halflings in truth he favored; and though losing kiki broke his heart, with bilbo he found real peace for a time.
when bilbo started to show his show his age, fairer, fresher nephew frodo was of course waiting in the wings, and the trailer-trash writing was on the wall. cruelly, gandalf broke it off on the very eve of bilbo's eleventeenth birthday, took back his cock ring, kicked him out of the hole ...
Posted by jackdaw at 10:42 pm on 01.24.04 |
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44: gandalf actually had once been married and those who knew the couple say they were very much in love, though the relationship lacked much of a physical component. but late one blind-drunk night in umbar their showstopping william tell routine went horribly awry, and the old wizard went on the lam, disappearing into a hazy, drug-addicted exile. eventually he resurfaced among the easterlings, whose markets teemed with the young, easily bought halflings in truth he favored; and though losing kiki broke his heart, with bilbo he found real peace for a time.
when bilbo started to show his show his age, fairer, fresher nephew frodo was of course waiting in the wings, and the trailer-trash writing was on the wall. cruelly, gandalf broke it off on the very eve of bilbo's eleventeenth birthday, took back his cock ring, kicked him out of the hole ...
Posted by jackdaw at 11:31 pm on 01.24.04 |
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45: whoops/sorry
Posted by jackdaw at 11:32 pm on 01.24.04 |
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46: You forgot Eomer. He was pretty shaggable.
Posted by minotaur at 8:38 pm on 01.25.04 |
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47: The one most obviously missing from this list is Gollum. I'd love to know what you think he'd be like in the sack.
Posted by Rick Bruner at 12:36 am on 01.26.04 |
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48: Weren't they all fags anyway? Like, ALL of them? Going around hugging and crying and eating little cakes and patting each other's bloody backs after the battle? I may have been misled.
Posted by Marie at 12:16 pm on 01.26.04 |
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49: wierd jackdaw, i didn't know gandolf and william s burroughs were the same person.
Posted by hubs at 12:27 pm on 01.26.04 |
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50: I like the LOTR books, but this is FUCKING HILARIOUS!! The problem with those Middle-Earth dwelling worldwideinternetweb dweebs is they take their shit too seriously.
Posted by lily at 1:33 pm on 01.26.04 |
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51: how do you find these weird an wonderful Google searches? Fantastic site, by the way
Posted by Cosmo at 3:33 pm on 01.26.04 |
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52: 'poncey little arsewipe' - *snicker* god i love it.
okay so, i'm a HUGE fan of LOTR - the books, the movies, hell, even peter jackson in all his piggish, anti-establishment glory... also, i have an elf fetish...
regardless - this was absolutely hysterical, and right on point (yeah he most certainly does have awful hair - i hate long hair on guys anyway).
Posted by dori at 6:39 pm on 01.26.04 |
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53: God DAMN, that is funny shit. Ya know, people get paid for writing things not half as good as this. Me, for instance.
Posted by el kabong at 6:54 pm on 01.26.04 |
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54: Good lord Ms. Eurotrash. Just stumbled across the site. I'm pretty sure you are some sort of demented genius.
Don't understand all the funny foreign names though. What is this LOTR and who is that pretty girl Legolas with the strange ears?
Posted by MD at 7:35 pm on 01.26.04 |
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55: Maybe you all should do somthing better with your time than make fun of a film that in one night made more money than you will ever see. Calm down and dont watch the movie if it appears to be so, "homosexual."
Posted by dosha at 2:28 am on 01.27.04 |
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56: Thank you! I've been saying this since Sam and Frodo started to make love in the last 30 minutes of the last movie.
And, all elves are gay. thats why they are immortal, they are to gay to make little elves.
Posted by wampaeater at 2:45 am on 01.27.04 |
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57: Boromir...rowr
Posted by Leah at 11:47 am on 01.27.04 |
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58: Grow up people...anything can be twisted around to make some kind of sexually suggestive "hidden-meanings". If you could have kept any coherent subject line in this peice of rubbish i would give you points for creativity, but you jump from stating that LOTR is homo-erotic to sharing your opinion on how "shaggable" a few of the characters are. I would have cracked a smile if you could have at least spell-checked this half-effort. Do us all a favor and crawl back into the spiteful pit you came from.
By the by: "fucking" isn't an adjective, so don't fucking use it as one.
Posted by pumpkinhead at 9:00 pm on 01.27.04 |
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59: I utterly love LOTR, and I utterly love any funny thing written about it as well. A good slagging is fine with me, as long as it's actually funny. Spot on with the bedroom analyses! You're funny as hell.
Posted by at 10:12 pm on 01.27.04 |
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60: I used the word "funny" way too much. Sorry. Need sleep...
Posted by at 10:14 pm on 01.27.04 |
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61: I feel as if, although some of this is very funny, you could have found something better to do with your life and with a website. LOTR is a great trilogy and you have to appreciate all of the killing in the movies... I mean there is a lot of death and who doesn't like movie war/death? Also, you do realize by taking the time to write, and pay for, a page that tells people how uncool they are for liking LOTR you are, yourself, a very uncool person. All this webpage did is tell me that you found out that Aragorn wasn't a real person and that you lost all hope of ever losing your virginity. This proves you are truly a sad person and that you have much time, on your hands, to waste, when you could be out finding that special "someone" to have sex with. How do I know this? Because every bad thing you say about the characters has something to do with sex, only a virgin speaks of it that much, or makes a webpage. Now, you may ask, aren't you a loser since you found this stupid, waste-of-time ass page? To this I say maybe I'm writing an essay, maybe I'm not, you'll never know. But what we will all, always, know is that you are truly a sad, sad loser and you didn't just make this page "by chance."
Posted by Careda at 2:07 am on 01.28.04 |
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62: Badly written? I seriously hope you're referring to the movies, because the trilogy is one of the greatest works of fiction in the history of mankind.
If you're talking about the books when you say "horribly written", then you have a serious problem.
Posted by Your Mother at 2:28 am on 01.28.04 |
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63: I feel as if, although some of this is very funny, you could have found something better to do with your life and with a website. LOTR is a great trilogy and you have to appreciate all of the killing in the movies... I mean there is a lot of death and who doesn't like movie war/death? Also, you do realize by taking the time to write, and pay for, a page that tells people how uncool they are for liking LOTR you are, yourself, a very uncool person. All this webpage did is tell me that you found out that Aragorn wasn't a real person and that you lost all hope of ever losing your virginity. This proves you are truly a sad person and that you have much time, on your hands, to waste, when you could be out finding that special "someone" to have sex with. How do I know this? Because every bad thing you say about the characters has something to do with sex, only a virgin speaks of it that much, or makes a webpage. Now, you may ask, aren't you a loser since you found this stupid, waste-of-time ass page? To this I say maybe I'm writing an essay, maybe I'm not, you'll never know. But what we will all, always, know is that you are truly a sad, sad loser and you didn't just make this page "by chance."
Posted by Careda at 2:33 am on 01.28.04 |
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64: I appear to have done a bad thing.
Posted by eurotrash at 2:47 am on 01.28.04 |
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65: Even Mum agrees, and she's been dead since 1999.
Posted by eurotrash at 2:53 am on 01.28.04 |
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66: Spooky. I never knew Mum was a LOTR fan. Death is truly a leveller.
Posted by eurotrash at 2:58 am on 01.28.04 |
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67: Although she did read a lot of Carlos Castenada, as I recall. If that's any help. With the channelling and so on.
Posted by eurotrash at 3:00 am on 01.28.04 |
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68: And she like boiled gammon, if anyone meets her on the "other side".
Posted by eurotrash at 3:02 am on 01.28.04 |
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69: oops, don't know how that got sent twice, but oops nonetheless!
Posted by Careda at 3:06 am on 01.28.04 |
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70: oops, don't know how that got sent twice, but oops nonetheless!
Posted by Careda at 3:21 am on 01.28.04 |
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71: Yes, I have a thing for Gimli... I always liked dwarves... Warwick Davis from Willow was so dreamy...
In any event, The Lord of the Rings is one of the greatest works in the history of literature, and I think it deserves some degree of respect.
Also, Harry Potter isn't a bad little series either. Just because some people are into fantasy doesn't mean they are losers...
And clean your room.
Posted by Your Mother at 3:33 pm on 01.28.04 |
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72: thats just fucking great. i wish i could send that to all my geek friends...but in order to do tht i'd have to ask them how.
Posted by jjb at 3:50 pm on 01.28.04 |
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73: I'd fuck the shit outta golem. I bet hes got a tight lil asshole.
Posted by MAH BALLZ at 5:36 pm on 01.28.04 |
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74: Having just read this, and no time or patience to read he responses, I'd like to avoid flaming and hope I don't repeat something
... but really, think about it. Legolas has almost 3,000 years of experience. Three THOUSAND years of experience, and I'd be willing to bet at LEAST once in that 3,000 years someone gave him tips on how to do it right.
Similarly with Aragorn, he's got 70 odd years under his belt, as it were, and it doesn't look to have fermented or withered just yet. Plus he's had elvish teachers!
And Merry and Pippin, I wouldn't say only have eyes for one another. Just that they come as a matched set... and they're young enough to be taught!
And don't discount Faramir, who's in serious need of TLC... and Eomer, who already knows how to ride well.
And don't even get me started on the actors!
Speaking as one who loves those armored, knee-high-boot wearing, sometimes pointy-eared serious hotty mchotterson men, and the hotter ones who play them... if dweeb is wrong, I never want to be right.
Posted by A Middle-Earth dwelling worldw at 1:51 am on 01.29.04 |
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75: Well written? WELL WRITTEN???
Okay, so aside from being pseudo NorseMyth epic, which, incidentally, is the most boring writing style in the Northern Hemisphere, Tolkien's writing is stilted, self-involved, over-descriptive and willfully misogynistic.
Don't get me wrong, I love LOTR. They were my favourite books as a child, and I still love them and the films. I still have a healthy respect for Tolkien as a historian, comparative theologan, mythologist and linguist. But he's not a goddamn writer and LOTR isn't fucking literature. [note the use of "fucking" as an adjective].
Furthermore, Tolkien is almost single-handedly responsible for modern Fantasy fiction, which frankly, he ought to be excommunicated for.
I love LOTR, I love LOTR parody and piss-taking, and I love shooting my mouth off. That is all.
Posted by marrOg at 9:40 pm on 01.30.04 |
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76: Keep up the facade, ET. It's what sells the column, isn't it?
Posted by Your Typical Man at 12:44 am on 01.31.04 |
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77: I totally hate you now. First of all, none of the hobbits are gay. In case you didn't know 4/5 of them get married eventually. To a WOMAN, no less. Second of all, Legolas is not concieted at all, despite how many people say that. And I'm not just arguing his case because I like him best or anything. I don't. Third of all, I highly doubt Eowyn would let a couple of mating dogs put her off when it came to Aragorn. You could just look in eyes and see the raging hormones. That's all I have to say, except what I say to all of you people who bad-mouth Tolkien's/Peter Jackson's work. GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING!!!
Posted by Arieda at 9:09 am on 01.31.04 |
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78: My my, people are so touchy. I could see, ET, if you were talking about biblical figures in bed that it might set some folks off into such tailspins, but for pity's sake, we're talking bloody movies and books here. I'll admit, I spent my boyfriend's $7 for a trip to the theatre to see each movie, and I read the books as a kid. Still can't keep all the names straight, and don't much care, either. Ultimately, I think ET's essay was hysterical, almost as funny as all the people it pissed off. If you get that irritated by something so trivial, perhaps you should save your allowance for a life instead of more movie paraphernalia!
Posted by megafee at 10:38 am on 02.02.04 |
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79: TFF!!! Loved the books/movies and all the humor generated by them...keep it coming! You can NEVER laugh too much!
Posted by isisfrog at 6:04 pm on 02.02.04 |
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80: I could see, ET, if you were talking about biblical figures in bed that it might set some folks off
I bet Noah was a tiger before the alcoholism. And the Job couldn't get it up.
And I bet Paul (the artist formerly known as Saul) was a closet homosexual.
Posted by marrOg at 9:41 pm on 02.02.04 |
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81: that, not the
Posted by marrOg at 9:42 pm on 02.02.04 |
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82: I heard it on the grapevine that Onan was a total wanker.
Posted by Eurotrash at 9:43 pm on 02.02.04 |
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83: yo man that be too long
Posted by at 9:37 pm on 02.04.04 |
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84: thats too long to read u gotta kidding me
Posted by brian at 9:38 pm on 02.04.04 |
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85: I'm a huge fan of LOTR, but i enjoyed your writing thouroughly. I find it sad that people have sunk into such intellectual decay as to find fault with a difference of opinion. Besides, that shit was fuckin comical genious! Keep 'em coming
Posted by confused_evil at 6:34 pm on 02.05.04 |
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86: What abut Smegol?
Posted by Jimbo Jones at 3:38 pm on 02.06.04 |
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87: I love the books, the movies, the slashy fan fic and much of this stuff was so funny I almost pissed myself. Flaming vaginas in the sky, I would have pissed myself in the theater if I'd read that first.
As for the complainers, if you don't want to read it don't.
Posted by HEL at 12:47 am on 02.14.04 |
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88: I love the books, the movies, the slashy fan fic and much of this stuff was so funny I almost pissed myself. Flaming vaginas in the sky, I would have pissed myself in the theater if I'd read that first.
As for the complainers, if you don't want to read it don't.
Posted by HEL at 12:55 am on 02.14.04 |
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89: Hey, have you read these comments? Seriously. You've started some funny shite down here.
Oh, also? Funny shite up there too. I'll never see ROTK the same way again.
Posted by jules at 12:46 am on 02.18.04 |
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90: Oh I've read them, I can assure you. Each and every one. And I treasure them all.
Posted by Eurotrash at 12:45 pm on 02.18.04 |
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91: man. you've got some serious sexual frustration going on.
Posted by samantha at 3:22 pm on 02.19.04 |
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92: Oh my god. Finally, a website I can relate to. As a homo pushing 50 who LOTR in high school, reading it over and over (never since sopHOMOmore year), this arrives at a great time. "You gotta see this" all my "seemingly in tune friends" tell me. Never had the desire, never seen even one of the movies (and I loved DEAD ALIVE). This is one great website. ET keep it coming on. Americans need a touch of reality now and then--mostly now. By-the-by I love the newest billionaire's series--Harry Potter. But on the whole, I'm more of a horror fan--and even Brits can do that well.
Posted by Oxnard Montalvo at 9:19 pm on 02.27.04 |
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93: So many spelling mistakes. And me an ENGLISH MAJOR LITERATURE major. There you have the saddest thing in the world--Legolas?
Posted by oxnard montalvo at 9:35 pm on 02.27.04 |
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94: Elrond is into something kinky that most people, even other kinky people, think is really creepy. He probably gets off by forcing people to watch Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.
Eowyn, on the other hand, is one of those girls who doesn't make a big display of herself, and is kind of hard to get, but is an absolute tiger in bed. She prefers to be on top, though once in a while what she wants is exactly what you'd get from Aragorn if you made him bathe first.
Posted by Anthony at 3:01 pm on 03.10.04 |
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