| [September 17 2003] |
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Father dear, I have something to tell you.....
My father thinks I'm gay. The evidence for my homosexuality is that at the age of thirty-*cough* I am unmarried and have failed to breed. He has also not met a boyfriend of mine for about ten years. Ergo - I am gay.
He doesn't know about all the sex. Well. I say *all*.... But I think he thinks if I don't have a boyfriend officially registered with the Ministry of Parents, that I must be celibate.
He's not far off. I do have some rather lean patches, but not by choice. And if I've been "celibate" for that long, in his opinion, I'm obviously hiding something. My gayness. But of course. I suppose I could tell him I'm just a slut who's unlucky in love, but I think that would spoil the joke.
Anway, if the smoking snogger *had* called me, he probably would have been in for a disappointment. Sometimes I think a man would have to be gay to want to go out with me. Because I do some horribly boy-like things that girls don't do. And I'm not sure he'd want the competition.
THINGS I DO THAT GIRLS DON'T DO. OR SO WE'RE LED TO BELIEVE.
- I play platform games on my PS2. And my Gamecube. And my Gameboy Advance PS. A lot. I occasionally buy magazines about them.
- I rarely have anything fresh in my fridge, but there's always booze.
- If it's winter, and there is no man in my life, I can't be arsed to shave all the hair off my body.
- Sometimes, you have to break my bedclothes with a hammer before cramming them into the washing machine for their bi-annual wash.
- I hoover once a year. Tops.
- I absolutely refuse to ask for directions. I know where the hell I'm going, dammit and I have an excellent sense of direction. Just like most men.
- I will not read instructions. It's more fun to figure it out yourself. I know what I'm doing, dammit. Just like most men.
- I say fuck, shit, arse, cunt, motherfucking bastard. Quite often.
- I do not read chick lit. I read things like the three-volume Memoirs de le Duc de Saint-Simon, and geek books written by geeks for geeks. I used to be a big Sci-Fi fan. I probably still am.
- My toenails look like your fathers'.
- Occasionally, when I'm bored, I'll play with my pubes, twisting them into little spires so they look like a city out of a sci-fi novel. Well that's what I think. And sometimes when I'm in the bath, I'll put conditioner on them and comb it through. Just for something to do.
- I leave my underwear all over the floor.
- I have a penis.
Just kidding on the last one.
I know I could be oversharing here again, but, you know, it's always better to get these things out up front.
Like cleavage. Just so everyone knows they're there and no-one gets disappointed.
Posted by eurotrash at 1:26 pm |
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[Comments count: 29] |
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1: i say run with the gay thing and bring home a chick for the holidays.
secondly, with that list i am surprised the men aren't tripping over you. while you are laying on the floor. kidding... at least you are not all uptight about everything. Items 1, 2, 8, and 12 are particularly endearing.
Posted by bitter joe at 1:48 pm on 09.17.03 |
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2: Well, I guess when you've got so much pube-action going on you've gotta do something with it!
Posted by Jakey-Boy at 1:57 pm on 09.17.03 |
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3: if you weren't gay, i'd want you to be my gal ;)
Posted by EB at 2:00 pm on 09.17.03 |
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4: You evil lesbo you. You have made me laugh my lunch out of my nose again.
Posted by maccers at 2:11 pm on 09.17.03 |
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5: can you fuck with yer pants on? You're a typical girl.
Posted by docks at 2:14 pm on 09.17.03 |
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6: Haha. Good stuff.
Posted by anna at 2:30 pm on 09.17.03 |
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7: Having read some of your previous posts, your list surprises me!
I'm curious to see what you look like!
* * *
Me:
I want a PS2 & a Gamecube & Gameboy Advance PS.
I won't buy magazines about them, however.
I rarely have anything fresh in my fridge.
I despise beer, but I drink other liquors.
Even if there is a man in my life, I won't always shave all the hair off my body.
The current is not pleased about this.
I despise doing laundry -- Partly because I don't have a washer & dryer in my own space.
Thus, one has to block out about 2 hours to do a load of laundry to prevent one's clothes being thrown out/stolen of the machines by strangers.
I despise Hoovering.
& most other kinds of housework.
I ask directions.
It's more efficient, as long as you get the right answer.
I read instructions.
I despise long manuals.
I limit my cussing.
More effective when used selectively.
My toenails do not look like your father's.
I have never had a pedicure.
I do not leave my underwear all over the floor.
I own over 100 pairs.
Posted by Lisa Chau at 3:58 pm on 09.17.03 |
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8: i have never been more conscious of the state and length of my pubes than since i started reading your blog!
Posted by snowshoe at 4:08 pm on 09.17.03 |
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9: I'm laughing so hard, I actually forgot that I had cramps.
Posted by Niki at 7:00 pm on 09.17.03 |
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10: Ok, now I DEFINITELY want to marry you.
Posted by Todd at 11:13 am on 09.18.03 |
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11: And another thing. Or two.
11. I will not watch any film containing: Meg Ryan, Julia Roberts, Tom Hanks, or Brad Pitt. I also have a problem with Meryl Streep and Daniel Day Lewis. They give me the creeps.
12. I like watching sport. Any kind of sport. Darts, bowls, even, God help me, American Football - if I've taken enough drugs.
13. I once downed a pint of lager while standing on a table in the middle of Emmanuelle restaurant in London. Then I got taken home in a supermarket trolley.
14. I am known for singing Shirley Bassey's "This Is My Life" at the top of my voice at 3am at impromptu we're-all-very-drunk parties.
15. I have been known to fall in gutters. Wearing a ball gown.
16. I bite my nails, my eyebrows are unshaped and it's been years since I had a facial. The women always sigh when they examine me. Like I'm beyond redemption. Bitches. How fabulous can their lives be if they're reduced to squeezing MY blackheads for a living.
Still wanna marry me, Tood?
Posted by eurotrash at 1:35 pm on 09.18.03 |
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12: i once dumped a guy for shaving his balls. do you think that makes me distinctly girly or clearly the opposite? what would girly girls do?
not sure now how i came across your site, but glad i did. you are a delightful, evil genius.
Posted by lady friend at 2:12 pm on 09.18.03 |
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13: Now more than ever. I foresee a wedding portrait along these lines:
http://thesmokinggun.com/archive/bridereport1.html
Now, if you save your piss and never brush your teeth, I will sign my life over to you immediately.
Posted by Todd at 2:40 pm on 09.18.03 |
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14: Damn. I'll need to get me some tatoos.
There was a nun at my school who used to save her poos in plastic bags and put them in a cupboard. Does that do anything for you?
Posted by eurotrash at 2:51 pm on 09.18.03 |
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15: I once dated a guy who shaved his balls. Girly or not girly dumping him is the only thing you can do.
Posted by maccers at 3:09 pm on 09.18.03 |
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16: How does a bloke shave his balls without cutting himself to ribbons? It would be like shaving your breasts, which I imagine would be very tricky. Not that I've ever done that. Honest. I'm sure I'd tell you if I had.
Ahem. Move on. Nothing to see here.
Posted by eurotrash at 3:32 pm on 09.18.03 |
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17: Hahaha, my girlfriend always plays with her pubes. I thought it was strange, but now i'm so used to it I've started doing it to. Playing with hers, that is.
I have shaved my balls before, it's not that tough or dangerous. And I did it by request.
Posted by paul at 3:49 pm on 09.18.03 |
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18: i'd really rather see more men shaving the furr off their ears and back before they get fixated on the nether regions.
Posted by snowshoe at 3:56 pm on 09.18.03 |
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19: I have been in denial since my brother reclaimed his Play Station, slowly recovering from Final Fantasy withdrawal. And while I certianly enjoy my chick lit and chick flicks, I love action ones also and am a comic book fan (Sandman), kept in comic book bags with boards and all.
Posted by dahl at 4:02 pm on 09.18.03 |
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20: Why would someone ask a man to shave his balls?
Posted by eurotrash at 4:36 pm on 09.18.03 |
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21: Do you know the story about Sir Edmund Hillary? When asked why he climbed Mt. Everest, he responded, "because it is there."
Posted by Todd at 4:45 pm on 09.18.03 |
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22: a man can shave his balls quite well and cleanly with an electric razor. so i discovered the *ahem* hard way. and yeh, what woman would ask a man to shave his bits? i do think it was my ex's silent, roundabout way of asking ME to shave MY special area. like: "see how nice and and uncluttered it looks, sweetie? why dontcha give it a try?"
ah, no.
Posted by lady friend at 5:41 pm on 09.18.03 |
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23: that's ok, my mom thinks i'm gay because i have a kitchenaid mixer.
and i think that even if she caught me having sex with a woman, she wouldn't change her mind.
Posted by IA at 6:45 pm on 09.18.03 |
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24: That's a kickass list. And I hear that conditioning one's pubes is very much a girly girl's thing to do.
I'm just saying.
Posted by lilianic at 9:56 pm on 09.18.03 |
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25: i often shampoo my pubes but rarely go the extra step to condition (that doesn't mean i don't though).
Posted by hubs at 12:37 pm on 09.23.03 |
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26: At last. Someone admits they *have* pubes, let alone plays with them. Hurrah. We like Hubs.
Posted by eurotrash at 8:34 pm on 09.24.03 |
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27: I think I'm gay, but want to tell other gay people without having to say "I'm gay" in fear of being to upfront. How can I do that? I usually get looks and glances, and I know someone wants to say something, but how do I let em know I'm an open minded gay person.
Posted by confused at 8:06 pm on 03.17.05 |
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28: without having to say, I'm an open minded gay person
Posted by still confused at 8:07 pm on 03.17.05 |
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