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I used to think that. if i keep myself really really busy, my mind would simply be kept off all of that, simply because i would have no time to think about it. and that i would somehow survive. without having a need to subject myself to those thoughts, and the could-have-beens in those regards.

now that im literally dying under the work load + expectations + this stupid mega bitch in my french tutorial class + somehow still finding time to slack even though i have a lot to do. i find myself thinking about the matter a lot more. and talking to the blue shirt person a lot more than usual.

perhaps, just perhaps. at the end of it all, i would look back at my last sem with absolute pride. abt how i survived it through somewhat. even if were to score badly for this sem.

learnt a new language. picked up the piccolo after almost 10 years of neglect. played with Indian Ensemble. played with Harmonica Orchestra. A rather long solo on the piccolo. two short solos on the flute. Survived a sem full of IP stuff (Entertainment law, International Trademark Law and Policy, and possibly IP-related question for ICL).

at the same time. am glad for the encouragement from friends. be it those direct go-go-go-s. or those sly digs at my last-sem-must-chiong mentality. or those detractors who think i won't last through this sem.

sigh. i dun know what i am talking about already. whatever it is, im hoping this sem would fly by (coz of french), but at the same time, i hope i can forever capture this moment in time - and that this sem would last forever.

all i want is that One Moment in Time. but i know that Nothing Lasts Forever.

am still thinking where to go for grad trip(sss), who to go with, and what to do with my life after i officially graduate.

shud i continue playing in band? would i have the time to? do i really want to?

and am looking at possible runs that i can participate in the later part of the year. AHM anyone? would be my first AHM. haha. for some reason, NUS Biathlon seems interesting? although i would probably die.

for now, am dreading tues, but looking forward to weds and thus. i suppose its a by-comparison thingy. compared to the dreadful french tut on tues, band on weds and thus just seems a lot more pleasant.

*turns to blue shirt person*

5:47PM

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There i was. trying to settle down as quickly and as quietly as possible coz i was 5 minutes for her class.

Thank god she was still giving one of her concise summaries. at least i didn't miss anything new.

and then, she said stuff that goes something like this: "for students who were in my IP law class, you should have some rough idea of what we are going to cover today"

then she looked at my general direction and started nodding furiously. as though inviting me to agree with her.

OMG! she rmbs me. major dies.

and according to IVLE, there are only 20 people in this class.

and i forgot most of my IP stuff already.

dies. dies. dies.

5:29PM

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Almost 5 months since the last substantive entry. i wonder whether any one still comes over here to check for updates.

i have wondered for quite some time as to why there is simply a lack of motivation to pen down stuff for such a long time. there are obviously moments in time which i thought i should attempt to capture with my limited vocabulary.

i definitely had a very nice sem. it feels good to know that you are doing something with ur life which you won't frown on and feel a deep sense of regret and remorse, and continually ponder on the could-have-been-s years from now.

i foresee this current sem to be a lot worse. whats with concerts with harmonica orchestra, indian ensemble, the own band concert. taking up two non-law modules, picking up french, trying to tidy up room and assist mother in cny's celebration. and, picking up piccolo all over again after not playing it since. sec 3 or sec 4? seriously, im quite worried - what's with the many many high notes. i mean, i already have difficulties pitching a high c on the flute le. but yet, i have to play the same high c on the piccolo. for the record, since piccolo sounds one octave higher than written. it means that the high c on the piccolo = written as C7, but sounds like C8. yeah. in fact i have a lot of notes scored as Ab7, A7, Bb7 and B7. dies. for now, have serious difficulty in playing them. lets just hope it will all work out eventually.

and am picking up french. seriously scary. the tutor didn't even explain the meaning of each word, and simply went on and on about how to pronounce them. hmm, granted that was the first lesson, and everything proceeded on a much more manageable pace for the second lesson. but still, i'm worried. but so far, still fun la, although im quite scared.

taking up so many commitments and new challenges for my last sem in nus - even my mother expressed concerns. this coming from someone who usually gives me full (but extremely silent) support in whatever stuff that i do. but yet, in the same breadth, she said "but if you don't do it now, you will not have a chance to do it in the future le wor".

yeah. a lot a lot of friends - especially one by the surname of liu (HAHAHHAH) - gave me this cold stare when i told them im doing this, this, this, this AND that, that, that all in one sem.

"u will die i tell u! dun later come and regret arh!"

of coz! im sure by week 5 i will be crying father and crying mother le! im quite sure of that. but at the same time, i really dun want my last sem to be the same old, same old. and i like to think that i have somewhat paid my dues by taking seriously super heavy and super substantive modules in my third and fourth year. enough le right? time for me to do non law subjects le ba.

and then. with have something that is getting on my nerves le. shud be evident from all the "oblique" references on facebook abt losing interest in something. ive got to thinking abt it actually. its not so much abt the activity itself per se. i think i still enjoy been part of that thing and creating music together. but, i can't help but feeling like a stranger in a foreign land every thursday after prac. perhaps the ppl im usually closer with leaves really early after prac. or maybe, just maybe, i didn't really belong in the first place. alternatively, it might just be all the negative vibes from he who must not be named that is really getting to me. ok la, i admit my section is a bit noisy and talkative at times. but well, now that im relegated to a corner seat, there really isn't much people i can talk to. and with me wearing ear plugs at times (else i for sure will go deaf in my right ear by end of feb), i talked alot less le wat. cant really hear, cant really communicate, cant really talk.

and then. family and friends. dec had me scrambling from venues to venues. no no, i really enjoyed all the outings and gatherings and random encounters. but at times, all i want is a cup of hot milo or warm chocolate + rainy day + me nested in a corner of my (small) bed, watching Ugly Betty or some equally bimbotic / himbotic show or some romantic comedy. but nehz. havent had those kind of days in quite some time. either that, or some quiet alone time by the poolside at noon, totally subjecting myself to possibilities of premature aging. again, no such luck for quite some time.

on that note, i was in my first french class, and was sharing a textbook with this girl coz i havent bought my tb then. and at the end of the lesson, she asked me

Her: "eh. which fac are you from?"
Me: "oh. im from law fac"
Her: "oh. isnt it very troublesome for you to travel all the way down from bukit timah"
Me: "no la. thats why i plan all my KR lessons on tuesdays"
Her: "ohhh"
(long pause)
Her: "by the way, u r year 1 right?"
Me: "no la. im in my 4th year le"
Her: "oohhh"
(long pause)
Me: "u mean i look like im year 1?"
Her: (immediate response) "ya!"

HAHHAHHA. ok. random encounter.

on that note. maybe i shud end this long over due update. and leave people guessing as to why it took me so long to do a proper update - even though i have kinda figured it out already. =(

5:35PM

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"This park and these houses, old streets I have walked
Everything dear, will it be here?
One day when I am returning.."

I wasn't doing anything at that particular moment. But i recall being engulfed by a sense of shock when that particular thought struck me.

For the last few days of 2009, the Straits Times, the most objective paper on our humble shores, decided to do a recap of the last decade, providing an overview of what happened in the last ten years with regards to specific fields - Disasters, Terrorism, Technology, Singapore etc. It all seem rather fine and good, and the articles are pretty informative and provided great summaries eh. But as i read through all of that, I couldn't help but rack through my brain and try to recall where i was when certain events happened. And possibly, to recall at which stage of my life i was at when those events happened.

Its a bit scary to know that you recall every single of the events highlighted, and that you lived through all of them and have vivid memories of those events. If that is not a sign that you are getting old, i don't know what else is.

and the thought that shocked me the most - the fact that 10 years have passed. i still rmb being a naive and gullible sec 2, back for abt 2 weeks from a 5D4N trip to Australia with his school band, and just abt to don on long pants to school. and counting down to year 2000 at ML's place. with another friend.

and boom. 10 years liao. can you imagine that? whatever happened man. god. i am old.

3:06PM

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And so.. i haven update this space for more than three months now.. its not that there is a lack of things to update on, or a lack of things which i ought to record down or something.. but it is just so hard to keep track of things when so many things are screaming for ur attention.. and that so many things are happening at the same time..

the past year.. has been rather good for me. granted there is no end in sight to that particular issue, but i feel really blessed to be surrounded by friends and family.. the last month or so felt weird coz i had kinda shut myself from the rest of the world by choosing to study at home for the exams. it is hard to measure just how productive it was. coz i really slacked way too much this sem, that i just have so much work to catch up on anyway. ok la, its my fault for slacking so much.

with less than a month to the end of the year, a retrospect seems to be in order. bearing in mind the fact that hindsight is always 20/20.

4:58PM

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if this post seems super emo. pardon me then. i ought to be getting some sleep, but i am having problem getting "Differences" (one of the songs from the musical) out of my head.

the past few weeks seem to be an endless cycle of lawIV rehearsals and Beautiful Sunday rehearsals. but now that they are both coming to an end, i really dread it. the end of lawIV performances mean that school has finally, (un-)officially started. well, in a sense, since it means i have to write proper notes le. and the end of Beautiful Sunday means... not seeing a lot of familiar faces at band prac anymore. yeah, i've told myself a lot of times to ignore this fact. i am still trying to though.

just when i am really starting to enjoy lawIV rehearsals, they are coming to an end already. =(

sometimes, i wonder how i managed to do it, to have lawIV rehearsals on sats, and then band prac on sundays. somehow, managed to remain sane despite all this. its like juggling two completely different sets of repertoire. but hey, soon, my weekends will be super free. like, nothing on on both days. that would be. sianz, i think. and given that i have no lessons on friday, i foresee that coming weeks would be suppppppper sianz.

it will be just, band prac on thus. and then its a looooooong wait until the next tue for sectionals. that means, from spending way too much time with my flute (playing it almost every day), to, maybe, just twice a week. it may seem sianz to be playing it almost every day now, but i know i will feel super sianz when both lawiv and BS come to an end.

sianz. i dun want today (ie sunday) to end! ok. this sounds very primary school.

performing at the esplanade will be a different experience. i shud go sleep now.

hope i dun screw up on my solo-s. PS: at the beginning of Phantom of the Opera + abt 10 bars into Yesterday.

and oh. the guy from luther music says my flute playing is "beautiful". haha. hope hes not paying lip service.

1:38AM

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unforgivable sinner, insignificant presence, pathetic piecemeal approach

9:18AM

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school. shud be busy, but am slacking.

band. shud be busy, and am busy.

lawiv, shud be moderately-involved, and am moderately-involved.

beautiful sunday performance. honestly, still not good. passable and quite decent, but can be a lot better.

da capo performance. prep hasn't officially began.

lawiv performance. my parts are still not quite settled. but i foresee a lot of slacking on my part.

10:36PM

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for some reason, my weekdays are turning out to be a lot more nua than my weekends. wats with lawiv rehearsals (which ive been to question my presence), and band practices (Beautiful Sunday is next sun!).

and, if u were to consider the fact that i only get to sleep ard 1+, and that i only wake up at 10+ (me am lazy, i know), and by the time im done with the papers and breakfast, its already 12+, nearing 1. yes yes, im a slow reader la. this coupled with the fact that i usually have to be in school (BTC or KR) by 5/6, that means i effectively only have a few hours to do the following:

1) Nua
2) watch tv
3) do some readings
4) check band fusion page of Beautiful Sunday to see whether got ppl ask questions a not
5) check facebook event page of Beautiful Sunday to see whether got ppl ask questions a not
6) Nua
7) check nusws.blogspot.com to see whether got ppl ask questions a not
8) check emails. its scary that sometimes theres like 10-15 new mails from the exco la! its not even like i only clear my mail once in a zilllllion years. i check them every few hours can! every few minutes if im in class. hehe.

so. of coz. i always end up doing very little of 3. okok. its not like im not doing anything, its just that im just doing the bare minimum lo.

and yeah. Beautiful Sunday is next sunday. pls come? for lawiv.. hmm.. i think most of the law gang are already gg/helping out? plus i dun really have a major role la (only playing for at most 1/3 of the songs?).. so don't have to come if u r undecided ba. plus im not sure whether tickets are still available.

so yeah. if u r still undecided whether u ought to go for the Beautiful Sunday a not, im here to summarise my case:
1) its most probably going to be my first and last time performing at the Esplanade Concert Hall
2) its free
3) i have solo-s. ie more than one. although i think i ought to play them better. sigh.
4) its at EsPlAnAde!
5) if u seriously think abt it, attending my concerts is probably the only favour i will ever ask of you? =( so pls come!

yeah. dun be like my bro who says he will "think abt it". wat fuck. and to think i always support him unconditionally in whatever things hes done. and got scolded by him and parents somemore.

ok. so please come for Beautiful Sunday can. more information at the blog ie nusws.blogspot.com! or refer to www.facebook.com/nusws for the link to the facebook event page. im lazy to go dig out that link. haha. PS: i wrote that description. hmm. is it alright arh?

hmmm. shud i do some reading while waiting for lunch, or watch project runway??

decisions. decisions.

1:33PM

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Stuff that i've learned from Tax Planning & Policy thus far - for income tax, it is, simply a tax on income. GST, on the other hand, is a tax on consumption. For people who supply goods to other people down the chain (e.g. raw product supplier to manufacturer, manufacturer to supplier, supplier to consumer etc), they are able to offset their input GST tax (GST tax charged by their predecessor on the chain) with their output GST tax (GST tax charged on the person down the chain). If you have a net consumption of more than $1m, you can register with the relevant authorities, so once you are IN ("in" the register), you are OUT (effectively don't have to pay GST since you are able to pass the relevant GST on to the other people). Similarly, once you are OUT (not "in" the register), you are IN (like consumers or those people not on the register = have to pay GST. since you've got no one to pass it on ma).

So. the basic catchphrase "coined" by my tutor: "if you think about it, for GST, once you are IN, you are OUT. But if you are OUT, you are IN."

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I decided to go over to my grandma's place yesterday. she has this annual 7th lunar month praying session where she would lay out tables after tables of food and offerings. Having absent myself for many years, i decided to help out.

Well, sorta. i didn't do much, beyond helping her to shift the container - which the relevant authorities dictate that we have to burn joss paper in - to a spot nearer to her flat. I ended up spending the better part of Saturday morning and early afternoon playing with my young cousins.

yeah. young cousins. one of them is 11, the other only 8.

and we did have tons of fun. they were showing me their Winnie the Pooh dolls (one in original yellow with red tee, the other which is totally pink), the doggie ("very cheap! my daddy bought it from Watsons), the carebears (*points excitedly* "this one is jie jie one (my youngest uncle's gf), this one is my mei mei and mine") and other miscellaneous dolls. They even went on to recount the history of each individual doll, who bought it for them, how each doll is related to the next one, and how one of them hugs the white doggie to sleep every night.

of coz, young kids generally have very short attention span. so after 10 mins of introducing their dolls to me, the older one decided to show me her skills on the ukulele. a "baby-sized" one though. and she was insistent in strumming it and had me and her mei mei singing along. which was quite fun actually. except that, despite my limited ability at "relative-pitching", i could tell that her ukulele is severely off-pitched. i used her tuner to test my theory out, and yes. i dun know how you actually tune a guitar, but only one of the four strings was tuned accurately to F. the other three strings were terribly sharp. and of coz, i didn't tell my cousin that.

and. only after singing about 4-5 short songs (with them saying stuff like "kor kor, how can you not know this song?") they were suddenly engrossed in playing scissors-paper-stone. except their version had me trying to stretch my legs as far apart as possible. its hard to describe their way of playing here, so if you are interested in knowing how kids nowadays are putting a new spin to our game, ask me to demonstrate the next time i see you.

and for some reason, we also had time to play computer games, had small pockets of heart-to-heart talk (contents of which are private), to watch Tom and Jerry ("mei mei always like to watch this. boring!! i watched more than 10 times and i think i can memorise the words already"... i couldn't bear to tell her that i've watched the first harry potter movie for at the very least, 14 times), to have lunch, fold the joss paper into the shape of ingot and prayed to our ancestors. a lot done within 3 hours.

on a side note, they were kinda surprised when i said i never joined any sports cca in school before. and the 11yo cousin refused to join band despite much pressuring from me.

carefree life isn't it? i miss those days when i wake up at 9am on weekends, and look forward to the rest of the day - about all the fun activities that await, all the nice food that mother is going to surprise me with at night.

things are just no longer the same isn't it.

i can see their eyes positively filled with happiness when the older one said "mummy and daddy is going to bring us to play bowling at night!" *big grin* "kor kor, do u want to go with us?"

i couldn't. had to rush off to exco meeting. and for reasons which shall remain private, i don't want to either.

and when i left them at abt 130, their goodbyes weren't filled with any sense of reluctance, or rather, any 依依不舍. neither was mine actually. but u couldn't help but wonder, maybe they have not yet acquire any sense of remorse, or regret. or have not understood the meaning of either word.

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I've been involved in band stuff for a large part of my life. for the majority of my last 12 years (ironically, exactly half of my existence as a human being) have been spent involved in something band-related.

zhss, unofficial zhss alumni, ppccb, nusws, nusws alumni.

and strangely, i have been involved as a committee member and/or SL for most of the above. but yet, the feeling of helpless couldn't have been more acute than now.

as we grow older, do we inevitably complicate things? do we inevitably make life more difficult for ourselves? do we inevitably think too much into things?

i won't say that i'm totally happy in my current role in nusws. i knw when i took on the role that it wouldn't be easy. it is a relatively new post, no one knew what exactly ought to be done, the position was left vacant in the previous committee, and previous attempts at securing sponsors have generally fell flat. and of coz, there was this lingering fear (partly self-imagined) that i won't be able to live up to everyone's expectations of a "law student".

more than 5 months after the elections. i'm glad that i took on the challenge anyway. it certainly didn't help me the way i hoped (in certain aspects), but i'm glad that through this, i've got closer to some people and generally made a lot of friends and know a lot of other band members. i got behind the scene of things, understood a lot better how certain things are run, and realised how all that glitter really is not gold.

but at times, i felt so helpless. there are things which u hope to change, but which you know you can't. and because you are so concerned about how things will turn out - having almost a personal stake in matters - that you become so involved in certain things that you ultimately lose sight of your original purpose in joining band.

i've asked myself repeatedly over the last 5 months - why get back to the "band scene"? when ppccb unofficially ended, this is supposed to sound the death knell for my band life right?

the first concert with nusws, was honestly, quite bad. not that i didn't like the songs that we played. but it felt like i didn't belong. and everything was rather routine. coming in at 645, warm up, play, toilet break, play. go home at 10pm sharp once announcement were made. almost like clock-work, didn't know my band mates at all. the second concert was a lot better though. still, i didn't know many band mates. but im dare say that i got a lot closer to my section mates. a lot of "misunderstandings" were clarified. a lot of damage was done to the environment - through YIH da-baos. a lot of time was spent chatting about random band stuff.

throughout that year, i constantly asked myself: "why did i leave [the band scene] in the first place?" this feeling was especially acute during the welcome tea. the first song i played after neglecting my instrument for so long (almost a year then) - October. the piece that i've longed to play since secondary school. i've never failed to be captivated by the lush sounds of that piece.

but life in the last 5 months, has been drastically different. sometimes when you understand how things work, you start to question your ability in changing things, the ability to effect any changes. its almost like, eating the forbidden fruit. an entirely new perspective on things is unveiled.

everything almost snowballed from then. you realise that you are actually not keen on what's happening. that you might very well be happier if you didn't know what was going on. that just humbly playing your instrument can be a much better experience.

there are things that i think ought to be change. there are things which i think ought to be handled in a much more tactful way. but at the same time, i realised that there are limited resources, that i have limited power, and there are things which can't be changed just like that.

there are fundamental things which i think ought to be changed, but at the same time, i understand how the status quo brings about a certain sense of tranquillity and stability that i know people generally prefer. but to let things continue the way they are, when there are other people who also don't like how it is. its just. not me. there are certainly things which can be provided for. and sometimes, its not about change, but a lot about updating and improving things. its not so much about us leaving a legacy or a precedent for people to follow. its more about, if you are in a position to effect change for the better, shouldn't you do it? i dun know man, if its me, i would do it.

but at the same time, of coz i know that this would entail a lot more work for everyone. but imagine, we are already severely limited by a certain esteemed individual, as to the things that we can do. if we are not even going to work within these tight boundaries...

but of coz, i also realised that i have a lot less things to do than the others. or rather, most of my stuff are already done, and im like doing a lot of things which are not in my job scope. its not like im trying to snatch other people's work, i rejoice in seeing things been done, or i like to ya-ya to other people that im doing things. i just so happens to have an innate desire to see things been done - especially things we aren't that difficult to do in the first place.

sigh.

and now, there's apparently someone who wants to run for the position of "assistant marketing officer" - because she wants the CCA points. and apparently she doesn't have the ability "to draft a letter". its back to the golden question isn't it - should we question someone's intention to run for the post? im sure everyone has a hidden agenda when they chose to run for the respective positions arh. but then again, i suppose everyone actually thought through, and consider whether they are able to do their job well.

at the same time, i question the need of having an assistant. it felt kinda =( when im left with the impression that they indirectly suggested that it is perhaps best not to have a non-final-year student in this relatively-new post - since the person might not be around for ready consultation when the new person in that post takes over. this necessarily suggests a few things isn't it. that they are very sure that i won't be back after i graduate? that they won't welcome me back once i graduate?

and. im starting to feel sianz that people i know rather well, are starting to leave the band. the upcoming Beautiful Sunday concert at Esplanade Concert Hall (its on the 13 Sept, 3-4pm! check your facebook invitation!) seems to be the last time i will see a lot of people from my section. Most of them are the reason why preparation for InTempo concert was so enjoyable. they are the reason why i decided to run for exco. they are the reason why sectionals on tues are so enjoyable. maybe the feeling of sadness is compounded by the fact that a lot of them are leaving at the same time. but yes, i realised that it is impossible that all of us will always be together. it is definitely impossible. this is part and parcel of life isn't it? to see people graduating, leaving, moving on with their lives. i experienced that in secondary school. and i suppose there will be a lot more of this in the future. but it is just unbearable u know?

its like. the very reason(s) for you doing what u r doing is/are leaving. then why are u still doing whatever that u r doing?

the next few weeks shud be very busy. but i can't help feeling totally unmotivated at times.

________________________________

essentially, once im IN, i also feel that im OUT. and as i get older, i just unnecessarily complicate matters.

2:39PM

Smileys

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