_______________________________________________________

i was looking at some photos taken at some orientation camp. this particular jc classmate was apparently heavily involved in the entire camp itself.

and i couldn't help but wonder.

first up, i do believe that 天下没有不散的宴席. people are bound to drift apart after jc. after secondary school. and even after uni. but sometimes i do wonder just how much of all these drifting-aparts are justifiable. its two very different things you know - between making a conscious effort to move on without your "new" life by mingling around with "new" friends and be in their constant company, versus moving on with your "new" life, making an effort to make new friends, but yet try to make yourself available for any possible gatherings with old friends even if you are super busy and are drowning in assignments.

in charm's words. its another thin fine line.

have too many friends who somehow chose the former path, and somehow totally ignored their friends made in their "formative" years. constant so-r-u-free?-s were rebuffed. the worst thing is when, the entire plan is rejigged and everyone's plans are changed just to accommodate this one particular individual, only for that individual to back out at the last minute. that totally sucks man. seriously. "im super busy! pai seh!"-?? hmmm. if its school-related, or u have deadlines to rush. fine then. but even during the holidays? we are busy too u know. and we made time just for you.

that is perhaps why. everytime i hear some ppl say stuff like "lets catch up soon!", or "lets catch up before you fly off to korea for exchange!". seriously. i will first do a double take, re-re-read that sentence (ie that sudden proclamation of affection), and then roll my eyes if i realise that that line comes from some people. its just, we all know you don't mean it, so seriously, why bother? if you genuinely meant that, its only a matter of time that we will eventually meet up you know.

of coz. some people are genuinely busy with their lives. but to not even have one free evening for a dinner? and to just declare yourself "super busy during this period of time" is very. patronising. u might as well say ur pet cockroach died and u r too distraught to go out and meet up with old friends.

so i couldn't help but wonder, is one really moving on with one's "new" life, or is one simply ignoring old friends who have stuck with you for so many years?



and sian. not gg out at all today. a lot of law-related stuff to do. sianz.

3:16PM





imagine spending so much effort into writing the damn proposal. only for her to simply dismiss it, and say that "why u write so many grandfather stories?". and even "(pointing at the so-called irrelevant information) what is all these shit?"

seriously. i wonder why i remained so calm at the moment in time. maybe i was too stunned. maybe i was too tired from the meeting that was still on-going when i went to speak to her. erm, the meeting already went on for 3 hours le, was a bit stoned by then.

but. she has no idea how much effort was put in. how much paraphrasing was involved. how much text-generating was required when there was very little to work with in the first place.

ARGH. now i that i think back, i wonder why i even thanked her at the end of it all.

maybe shes right. but a bit erm. when she said stuff like "last time we write so little and yet we managed to get soooooooooo many sponsors also"

erm. yeah. thats what u think. i count and count. not many what. only got wat. one foundation sponsored for the previous two concerts? where got so many other sponsors? where got? sponsoring the arts festival itself is very different from sponsoring the band k. tsk tsk tsk. seriously disturbed. could have shot her down if i wanted to la. tsk.

and seriously. how do u expect to want to keep the previous proposals intact? u say until like i cannot change anything like that. say until all my expansion of the original 2 page writeup, to become a 8 page write up, incorporating information from all the programme booklets, a lot of googled and wiki-ed information, a lot of different write up about prof ho. a lot of paraphrasing was required k. a lot of compilation was required. a lot of time was spent on it. i had to make so many sentences make sense. even if i were to keep the original file intact and just incorporate prof ho's information - do you have any idea there are so many different writeup about prof ho? and even the latest one nie band's programme booklet (their concert was in late may), erm, seriously speaking, don't really make much sense.

fuck. and for her to simply dismiss it like that. wat the. WHY DID I REMAIN SO CALM AT THE END OF IT???

ok. she wants me to shorten. fine. i shall take my own sweat time to do it. i mean, before i met her today, she didn't even look at the proposal la. it was her first time looking at it can. fuck. if she want like that, then forget it, i will wait for the other lady in charge of sponsorship to get back to her first.

fuck fuck fuck.

and i have so many other things to worry about. sigh. so many things to do.

busy.

1:05AM

_______________________________________________________

im feeling quite worried abt the performance later actually. hmmm. but its actually just the very first solo to ffx that im super worried abt.

in any case. comprehensive reflection of the past week will be up soon.

so meanwhile...

ENJOY!




basically, its mao liang's performance for the semi-finals of Kovan Superstar (yes. the title is pretty corny. im still trying to get past it). in any case, there will be a poll soon at http://pcsxyz.blogspot.com/ and there's a facebook fanpage at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Goh-Mao-Mao/114310171211?ref=nf and a corresponding video upload on facebook (look for it under my account!)

so ppl. would really appreciate it if u guys embed the video at ur blogs! the poll which i mentioned abt right, the result of which will go toward the final tally. so pls. let to vote!!

thanks!

ok. need to rush out. im late le.

9:34AM

_______________________________________________________

busy week thus far. and i dun want this week to end.

especially. tml's performance at ECP.

=(

btw. facebook sucks. have been trying to upload mao's performance clip since 10pm. but the upload got stuck a couple of times. im hoping its not my computer.

stay tuned. his performance is really the classic.

11:15PM





u would think it is easy isnt it. but no. it really isn't. after much struggling, things are still the way it is. nothing has changed. numerous deadlines have long past. and ive decided to not set anymore deadlines.

a long chat with the blue-shirt individual last night really set a lot of thoughts straight for me. perhaps its not so much about setting deadlines. its just a matter of how far u want to go, or how far you want to let yourself. and perhaps, i don't think i should go that far. at all. and i don't think i can in any case.

so i won't. and i doubt i ever will.

but the very last attempt at seeking for some resemblance of hope ended in. nothing but a mere speck of dust. initially, positivity was really oozing out of it all. but as fate has it, no. instead of any resemblance of hope, all i got was mere affirmation of "negativeness".

but hey. i would not have expected otherwise anyway.

and this should really be the final frontier. no more attempts to break the sound barrier.

___________________________________

so. MJ died. Farrah Fawcett as well.

death of a music legend yes. but i wonder whats going to happen to his three kids.

and i suppose, in an evil way, this should be the way that music legends should go. would people really rmb them otherwise?

my mother requested a listen of "Thriller" this morning, and some other MJ tunes. as it turns out, she prefers "Beat It" a lot more.

___________________________________

busy week. with band, trip to the Singapore Flyer, gathering with friends, punishing myself with weights, and a band performance this sunday. with tons of solos.

damn. my first solo for FFX is still cui. super cui. hoping for a miracle. =(

___________________________________

hoping for a listening ear.

1:23PM

_______________________________________________________

been thinking about the issue for the last couple of days. i really have no idea what intensified all these thoughts. and i seriously want to talk to someone about it. its just that, that would really involve me telling a lot of back stories - about stuff that happened over the course of the last few years. erm. over the last 7 or 8 years? hmm. cumulative maybe. but most events are actually confined to just 1 or 2 years.

but still, a lot of back stories.

so this time, when i say stuff like "well. its a LOOOOOOOng story." i actually mean it. its really a long story..

_________________________________

first impressions. they do count a lot. right? so. the brother has finally brought back his new gf. it used to be a rather big deal you know - brother bringing back a gf. hmm. actually, him having a gf used to be a pretty big deal as well. but well, that issue deserves another blog entry for itself.

yeah. but the first meeting wasn't pleasant. hmm. i think i've insulted her somewhat actually.

you see, i was minding my own business. took bus home on wed after sectionals. da bao (packet) 豆花 (bean curd) as usual. when i entered my doorstep at ard early 11ish, i saw what appears to be one of the most heinous pair of heels i've ever seen in my life. so when i saw my mother, decked rather decently so late into the night (she usually wears something more comfortable to sleep la), i didn't bother to hide my displeasure. thinking that my mother actually own that pair of heels.

me: "EEEWWW! mother. what kind of shoe is this!! @@@@%&$*£&*$!!!!"
mum: "keep quiet! ssssssshhh. ur brother brought a girl home la."
me: "oh"

im glad i left my comment at just that. i was about to say "its SUPER UGLY CAN!". brother introduced her to me. again. was rather weird. coz it was just name-introduction. and thats about it.

i suppose i should leave things as it is for now.

i don't want to incur any more bad karma.

_________________________________

somehow. with guys, heavy topics can take on a super serious tone. met some law guys. and they were going on and on about internships and the impending pupilage application. i understand it really. its just, after spending the last couple of weeks with band ppl, who are somehow more carefree when it comes to the future, its just a complete 180 degree change.

no no. im not even trying to say that the band ppl has no ambitions whatsoever. its just, a very outlook to life really. on the other hand, there's nothing inherently wrong in wanting to secure the best job possible. its just, two very contrasting outlooks to life. to the law ppl, it seems that its really all abt work. hmmm. or maybe its just the law guys that i know. i have no idea, really. its just, at the back of my mind, i was wondering whether there is really more to life than the rat race.

_________________________________

relationships. so ML apparently decided to sever all ties with that guy. seriously, i was more taken aback by the fact that after a year, they were still in contact. didn't ml say that he wants to sever all ties with that guy like more than a year ago? but come to think of it, i'm not surprised that it took him so long to finally make that decision.

relationships. somehow G asked me the other day (while we were discussing, erm, more of her forcing (HAHAH) me to go for this exco badminton gathering), in a rather round-about-fashion, why i dun have gf, and was offering to intro girls to me. its just, as much as i think one ought to put urself out there, i really think life is not all abt finding that elusive someone.

that's gonna be more to life right? there's gonna be more than just immersing urself in the rat race, there's gonna to be more than just constantly finding that special someone.

and besides. i know a lot of girls myself. haha.

so, when the law guys went around the table, and each of us were supposed to give updates about our love life. hmmm. im happy for some of them really. but still.... hmmm. i suppose girls and guys talk about their love life very differently. with girls, its always about where they went, the little sweet things that the guy did, the sweet things that they did. with guys, somehow, its always about whether they have a target, and once they managed to hook up, guys seem to generally refrain from talking about the stuff they do, ie, most guys seem to retract into their own fantasy world with their gf, and somehow, ditch all their friends. of coz, they only talk to you about their relationships when something goes wrong.

and somehow, for girls, such love stuff just rolls off the tongue. for guys, there seems to be a need to table a motion for the issue to be discussed.

_________________________________

i wanted to really give someone a piece of my mind the other day. but i figured, there's really no pt. i mean, nothing will ever go in. but perhaps most important of all. i seriously hated it when someone told me how i should live my life. granted, some of the advice were rather, erm, informative. but yet, i dun see how a person has any right to ask the other to live life a certain way. i will always have an opinion about everything. but i really dun see a need to impose your own ideologies onto someone else. thats almost like doing a Josie-Lau right?

that's gonna be more to life

4:23PM

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

very long never play piccolo le. hmm. since beginning of sec 4?

in any case, the band somehow managed to borrow one. and N decided to use the old / cfa's one, since its gg to be an outdoor performance and hes afraid he will damage the borrowed one.

so. me decided to take that one back and just. randomly play lo.

quite a lot of nice memories. seriously. its the same model as the one i used to play (or at least i think it is. coz i treated the one i used to play in sec 4 so badly, that by the time i realised that the model number is actually written on this particular spot on the piccolo, the number has long faded away).

yeah. for some weird reason, i can still pitch all of the notes! and i think the sound is somewhat decent. haha. but i realised that the sound is way too sharp and punishing for the ears. just 10 mins of trying to reach the notes on the higher register yesterday had me struggling to hear anything after that.

ok. need. to finsih the proposal by tml.

then need to start gathering the addresses / contacts of potential sponsors.

1:44PM

_______________________________________________________

so. been at CFA since 1:30pm. can't believe i actually survived 4 hours here.

its just. my cousin's wedding lunch was at jurong west. kinda pointless for me to go all the way back home, and then make my way down to CFA for band prac. so. here i am. wheeeeeeeeeeee....

made a lot of headway into that proposal. i didnt realise that theres actually a lot to do. or maybe im just too ambitious in attempting to make so much changes and add so much stuff and rephrase almost the entire (old) proposal.

ah well.

ok. environment not conducive for blogging.

5:31PM

_______________________________________________________

its a rather weird bag of emotions really.

went for one of my closer army buddies' grandfather's wake on thu, right before band prac. the feeling was rather mixed. we started making some small talk. talked about how many years have passed since we both ord-ed. talked about fellow medics. talked about our current state of life (how im busy with band stuff and how hes busy with his work). talked about the many attempts to have some form of gathering (most of which failed). i was trying to avoid talking about his late grandfather. but the topic just somehow drifted there.

i caught a glimpse of his grandfather lying peacefully in the coffin. for about 10 secs, there was some sort of morbid fascination. for that 10 secs, i couldn't take my eyes off him. i started wondering how it must be like to be in the other world. whether there is really another world so to speak. i was trying to decipher the make-up techniques when my friend walked out of the coffin area.

and during the conversation, i couldn't help but notice how cui my friend looked. unshaved, eye bags, super messy hair and tons of sweat stains on his clothes.

during those pockets of silence, i looked around the area. and i couldn't help but notice the vast difference of emotions felt by the family members. some had sadness etched on the face. some just looked pretty emotionless.

it does make you wonder whether you are actually doing something worthwhile in your life. it also makes you wonder why are you so excited in joining the rat race, when life will eventually end up like. this. and that, whether there is something greater in life for you to pursue. does life really amount to nothing but just all these?

and at the back of my mind, im secretly hoping that we don't see each that often at funerals. we should be having more gatherings right? and not meet at such events.

i left after an hour or so. partly coz i had an exco meeting to rush to. but mainly because, i couldn't bear to stay there any longer. another 10 mins there and i believe i will just burst into tears. was contemplating of taking a cab down to nus in order to spend more time with my friend, but decided to leave earlier.



the mood at the exco meeting and band prac were drastically different of coz. disappointed that our commencement performance was canceled. everything was generally cheery though.



and went over to heartland mall to support mao at his audition for kovan superstar on friday afternoon. erm. seriously. the standard is pretty low. no no, mao did pretty well. but without taking anything away from his performance, the standard is really pretty low. i rmb this guy was SOOOO loud when he told the audience that his name is XXX and is going to sing this wang lee hom song. but the moment he started singing. its omg. seriously cannot hear him, and seriously cannot make it. i even think he did the song one octave lower can. and it was pretty weird spotting my primary school friend there.. as one of the judges. lol. some girl added a ghostly vibe to 遗失的美好, some other girl added a hungry-ghost-festival vibe to some rock-lite song. but most of them really cannot sing la. im not saying i can sing very well... but.. some of them... erm.. really cmi la..

and as expected. mao made it through. check facebook for a video of his performance!! haha.



its weird. only two days. and yet went through the entire gamut of emotions. pretty overwhelming i must say.

and today? time to finish the proposal / letter. yes yes. its taking much longer than i expected.

and oh. my predecessor (for marketing officer) said that i look like someone "fresh out of JC". HEEEEEEHEEEEEE. -evil grin-

2:09PM





as we got closer, the feeling got more and more intense. we can dance through the night. dance in the rain, dance in the storm. when you hold me close, and tell me that everything will be alright. i couldn't help but wonder. whether this is real, or just a mere fantasy. or a mere illusion, a mere mirage. or a mere dream which i know i will wake up from in a few hours.

they say nothing lasts forever. and i believe them. for i wonder, will the feeling be as special should one never wake up from it? if every moment promises eternity, then what makes each moment special and unique? or even delightfully pleasing? only if both were to stand in contrast with each other, will the former be made much more beautiful. with that, its not so much that nothing lasts forever. its more that, its better that nothing lasts forever. so that each special moment will be even more satisfying. and truly special. how long should each moment last?

i stood up. and i left the scene.

1:42PM

_______________________________________________________

i've cooled down somewhat. but the text msgs i received during sectional really made me mad. mad. mad. mad. i dun even know where to begin. so. im reposting what ive wrote earlier, which for some reason that i really cannot comprehend now, removed.

it starts from the next paragraph.

i suppose it all started last june. things were going pretty well after all the "overwhelming"-saga. somehow, the saga (and the corresponding absence of several individuals) solidified the ^5 friendship, or rather, created the ^5 friendship. got closer to a few other groups of friends, mainly two groups i suppose. other than this, i got to know the law sisters a lot better. further, got closer to band and section mates.

but i continue to have this nagging feeling. i dun know how am i suppose to put it across without sounding insecure and primary-school-ish. or without ppl laughing at me or bitching about this behind my back for even entertaining such thought in the first place.

its just, i feel constantly like the plus one.

its like, its possible for me to not be there, but its better if im there. the clique wun ever disintegrate because im not an essential part of it, just crucial enough that i ought to make cameo appearances every now and then. outings can go on without me, conversations can be lengthened without me.

am i simply thinking too much? i like to think so too you know. but such "plus one" mentality rears it ugly head mostly when im with them. outings are always decided without me. its always that person and that person have decided to go where-and-where, and ask me whether i want to come along. im ok with the way such outings are organised. i mean, im only brilliant and fierce at organising when it comes to big gatherings. if u ask me to organise gatherings with close friends, i will probably have no idea where to go and what to eat.

but, such two-of-us-gg-out-u-coming-along tack has been used one too often le. until. seriously. im beginning to feel. urgh. its especially urgh when it gets to a stage where, im not even been asked, and i actually have to ask them whether we are meeting. its so, urgh. its even more urgh when yes, they've decided a long time ago, just that none of them wants to open the mouth, remove the silver spoon, and tell me about it.

nvm. its ok. its really ok.

i mean, its my fault isnt it? maybe im just not a good enough friend? maybe i shud just have listened to their troubles a lot more, offered a lot more advice when they asked for it, listened to their constant whining about their latest misadventures with the gfs, maybe i shud ransack my entire cd collection just to find one song for them, perhaps i shud lend them my ipod usb cable, perhaps i shud drag them along whenever i have gatherings with my law school sisters even if they dun really know them just so that they can have something to do for that afternoon, perhaps i shud have constantly watch their back, perhaps i shud have warn them just how many guys are after his same target. perhaps i shud just have done so much more as a friend.

wait a minute.

check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check. done, did, done, did, done, did, done. did this, did that. done done done.

been there, done that. many many times.

nvm.

okok. its my fault. its all my fault. its all my fault for not sharing with them about my life because by the time they are done with theirs, its bedtime for me. its my fault for canceling on them because i have band sectional - its my fault because i couldn't make it on the day that they have already agreed upon before telling me just because i have band sectionals. its my fault that ive always accepted rides from them. its all my fault because they chose a date for a movie without consulting me, a day which i cannot make it. its all my fault. its all my fucking fault.

its all my fault.

3:07PM
3:12PM

since this is but yet ANOTHER "gathering" which u guys have decided on without me, how can u still expect me to want to go and be excited enough to push away and cancel all my prior arrangements just to turn up and make a cameo appearance? the ship has sailed. i rather go for band sectional.

3:16PM

the new segment starts below.

if all that u could muster was "Hey. Im sorry I decided so late". that fucking forget it. u might as well not say anything at all. u dun even know whats the issue. its not even about u deciding late. come on. i kinda know u inside out. that's part of the requisite for being the "inseparable trio" right? i know that u can be entertaining thought A for one minute, but completely change tack the very next minute. i know. im not surprised that u fucking changed ur mind so late. im just fucking pissed that none of u guys bothered to even let me know that u two have fucking-collectively fucking changed ur fucking mind. what? he decided last night that he wants to go?? then fucking tell me! fucking tell me! FUCKING TELL ME!!! what? dun have my house number? dun have my handphone number? for crying out loud, i was even online last night! fucking tell me!! why didnt want to tell me? why is it that i always have to bug u guys for an answer then u guys will let me know? this is not the fucking first time? this has happened so many times. inseparable trio? pls. dun make me roll my eyes. i wanna puke. and note, im not even fucking surprised that u guys didn't tell me. im just fucking pissed that this is the nth time already.

and. if u dun have the sensitivity-chip, then pls, dun pretend that u have one.

u guys like drama right. then i give u drama.

11:46PM





okiez. i've cooled down somewhat. so im removing the vehemently-worded entry.

though u can probably guess from the un-changed title wat this entry was about

4:15PM

_______________________________________________________

for some reason, i thought that that ensemble piece was meant to last just 30 secs. its actually 2 mins. hmmm. listening to the recording now, and i sounded... erm.. ok la..

suddenly reminded of the time when i accompanied the choir on Flying Free.. twice..

11:57AM

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