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Moving
I have had enough of upsaid. People can't post comments (hell, *I* can't post comments!) and I am paying for the service where people cannot reach me to leave notes and I cannot respond to their kindness. So, I am moving over to blogger. This blog will remain here indefinitely so no worries about finding me but updating your bookmarks is always a good idea (don't ask me how I know I just do...)
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| Curvaliscious :: 12:23am - 11.21.08 :: Talk to me, darlings! [ 1 ] |
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Fantastic News
I mentioned earlier that I had good news. Well, here it is!
I am officially divorced as soon as the necessary paperwork is filed with the courts and the waiting period is complete. I will let you all know about the date as soon as I have it and we can have a virtual party.
I got the following in the divorce:
- Full custody of Snuggs with a discretionary order stating that Mr. X can only see her or communicate with her if I say that its alright for him to do so. (I bet you can figure out when that will be...)
- Child support in the amount of over $400.00 a month
- Alimony for 4 years for $200.00 a month
- All the furniture and personal items that I wanted from the household contents that my asshole father in law wouldn't give back to me
- All of my jewelry (read this as a large monetary value)
- A protection order preventing him from coming anywhere near myself or Lee
- The ability to change Snuggs' last name to the same as mine and Lee's
I think that there is something else but I am sick so I can't remember it off the top of my head. Either way, I got everything I wanted and a couple of things that I wasn't certain that I would get but did anyway.
Woohoo!!!
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| Curvaliscious :: 1:05pm - 11.20.08 :: Talk to me, darlings! [ 3 ] |
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Coping with the Aftermath
When I left Mr. X I felt a lot of pressure to suddenly be ok. The thought was, I believe, that since I was away from him, life should suddenly take on that rosy glow and I would be just fine. The problem is that 2 years later, I am not just fine. In fact, I am so not fine that it is affecting my relationship with Geek Boy, my happiness, my emotional well being and my ability to take care of myself properly. The only thing that it doesn't really affect, is my ability to parent my children thank God.
I lost friends and blog readers who felt that I was lying to them in my other blog. Some of them didn't say it outright but I know that many believed that I was living a lie when I was blogging there. I wasn't living a lie... but I wasn't telling the whole truth either. How was I going to put out there, on a public forum the fact that as I was finishing writing an entry, my husband was punching me in the back of the head? Where was I going to reach out and say that I was being abused? Nowhere. The unfortunate thing is that I sort of feel that way now. I feel like I am letting people down somehow if I am not the upbeat, positive individual that some of you know me to be. Inside I am dying a very slow and torturous death. I think that I too had grand ideas about how my life would be once I got out and I was free and now I am coming down hard off of those dreams to the harsh reality that I simply cannot do this alone.
I have suffered from depression since I was around 9 years old. Feeling this way has been a lifetime pain for me. It is not new since I was abused but sometimes the abuse feels like the cause of all of my issues - old and new. I think about what happened to me nearly every single day of my life. Its not that I am dwelling on it purposely. I do not sit here with feelings of anger or revenge. Rather, I sit here and talk myself through things. I tell myself that its ok to wash the dishes a certain way. I give myself permission to cry but the tears don't always come. I allow myself the luxury of disagreeing with someone. The fact that he hurt me is a daily companion. When I sit to drink tea he is there with me. When I feel like a failure, he is there. When I have fun with my family, when I sit with my sweetheart, when I sleep. He is always there. I hate that I cannot seem to escape the ghost that haunts me.
I never, in my wildest dreams thought that I would still be feeling so utterly undone this long after freeing myself from him. I am not one that dwells, you see, on the negatives. I don't sit and wallow and moan about my lot in life. I bitch and then I dust myself off and move on. That's just who I am and for this to have continued in such a way scares me. It makes me feel like I will never get past this. It makes me feel like a failure, a fraud, a victim. Surely to goodness two years is ample time to have this crap over and done with in my life right? I have this invisible time table stuck inside of my head and I can't move past it and accept that, ok, he damaged us more than we thought (woah, I just realized that I am talking about myself in the plural there. That's creepy.). Why the hell can't I just look at this and realize that he really hurt me. He hurt me so much that I will take a long, long time to get through all of the hurt, the anger, the fear?
I want to seek therapy but my unfortunate experience has been that I sit across the room from someone and they see a put together, intelligent, affectionate woman and think that I am not doing badly. I often get the cursory pat on the head as they guide me out the door to make room for those who are more "needy". I want to scream at them: Don't you see that I am broken?? Do I have to wear a sign on my forehead? Why can't anyone see the way that the other me is sitting inside of this shell I call a body and she is screaming. Screaming to be heard. Screaming to be helped. Screaming to have someone, anyone make the pain, the guilt stop. Sometimes I feel like I am in a coma and the doctors are talking about turning off the life support and I am here, inside of myself screaming no! Don't shut me off I am still ALIVE in here!!! But no one hears and eventually, they flip the switch, pull the plug or smother me with my pillow and I cease to exist.
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| Curvaliscious :: 11:07pm - 11.19.08 :: Talk to me, darlings! [ 2 ] |
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Yummy!
So I have been baking bread in the bread machine because making it by hand was a little intimidating but the problem was that my machine makes a single loaf and we go through a loaf a day if I am making lunches for everyone. I thought about doubling the batch since I just use the machine for the dough but I was afraid that the machine wouldn't be able to handle the doubled recipe. Yesterday I finally decided to give baking some bread by hand a whirl - with a batch of dough being made in the machine in case mine was a complete and utter failure.
I used the Hillbilly Housewife's method for beginners bread with my normal recipe for bread machine dough and my goodness, it was just fantastic kneading away at that dough! I love the feeling of it in my hands and it was as therapeutic as everyone says that it is. It took a good while to rise so I finally turned my oven on to 120 until it was warm then turned it off and put the light on and set the dough in there to rise where it doubled quite nicely. Rising again in the bread pan, I ended up with a nice sized loaf and sliding it into the oven said a little prayer that it wouldn't end up as a brick like happened to some other people the first time that they made bread. Twenty minutes later I had a beautiful loaf of browned bread that was light, fluffy and delicious. I am so proud of myself! I think that I might just be making my bread by hand from now on unless I am pressed for time and just want to let the machine do it for me :)
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| Curvaliscious :: 7:37am - 11.17.08 :: Talk to me, darlings! [ 0 ] |
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Argh!
I am bursting with some good news but I can't share it yet because its not all finished... I don't know for certain who is reading this blog and I don't want to let the cat out of the bag until everything is final. AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bear with me dears I will be telling soon enough...
PS Texas I am so sorry about your daddy :( I really hope that his remaining time here with you and your family is amazing I cannot imagine your pain hun. HUGS
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| Curvaliscious :: 3:54pm - 11.13.08 :: Talk to me, darlings! [ 1 ] |
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Chills
I really have to stop doing this to myself. You see, I have had enough personal experiences where strange things have happened that I am a believer in the paranormal. Watching videos or looking at photographs of what people claim to be ghosts isn't always the best idea for me.
Just to give you an example of my own experiences...
-:-
When I was a teenager I was dating a guy and we had gone to his house where he lived with his grandmother. They had gone out to deal with the cattle and I was left in the house. By way of explanation, the front door entered directly into the kitchen. Off of the kitchen there were two bedrooms, then the entry way to the living room. There was a bathroom to the right and another bedroom just beyond that. The wall of the living room to the left was a solid wall without any doors. Its important that you know that part.
So, I am standing in the kitchen getting a drink of water when I turned and leaned my back against the counter. I looked up into the living room, where there were no lights on, and saw the figure of a tall man with slouched shoulders walk from the left of the living room door, past the door and into the bathroom. Did I mention that I was alone in the house at the time and he came from nowhere because there was no place to stand to the left of the living room door and not be seen?
Later, I was telling my mother about it - but I didn't say that he was a tall, slouched man - just that a man had walked across the doorway. "Oh," she said "was he tall and slouched over? That's Jays grandfather I took care of him in the hospital before he died"
-:-
Lee was outside playing at our cottage. She was about 4 or 5 and she came in and said "mommy, the man keeps telling me not to go into the trees". I asked her what man she meant and she said "the old man with the white hair". We had no close neighbors and when I went outside there was no one to be seen. We were remote enough that someone would have had to use a car to get to our cottage, although we were on a main road. Oh, and my grandparents both died in the house... and as a child my grandfather would worry about me going too far into the trees when I played.
-:-
When I first had Lee I lived in a small house in the country. Several things happened in that house during the year that I lived there. I would be sitting in the living room feeding Lee when I heard glass breaking. It was a very loud sound and I really thought that the kitchen window had somehow broken. Getting up immediately to investigate, there was nothing at all wrong either inside or outside of the house (my second thought being that there had been an accident on the road and I had somehow heard the glass of a windshield breaking.
Another time my mother and I were in the living room waiting for my father to come and pick her up. We both heard someone enter the house and clear their throat a couple of times. We even said "oh, there's dad". Waiting for a few minutes, we wondered what was taking him so long to come to the living room so I walked through the kitchen and into the back hallway... only to find that he was not there and the door was locked.
Once I was loading groceries from the car into the house. Mom had taken Lee to the neighbors to visit so I was alone in the house, just walking back and forth between the car and the kitchen. I had dropped a load of groceries on the floor and turned to walk out the door when I distinctly heard the sound of a woman laughing. There were no radios, no TV or baby monitors on at the time.
Another time I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep in the middle of the night when I heard a distinct, loud knocking on my bedroom window. There was no one at the window or anywhere near the house when I went to see if it was one of my friends playing a trick on me. Additionally, there were no branches or anything else near the window that could have made that noise.
My clocks, both on the wall and on my VCR randomly changed time despite fresh batteries or being set to the correct time. Those same items kept the time perfectly when I moved to another house.
-:-
In this house, the dining room closet door opens on its own even though it is securely closed. You can even pull on the door and it will not open. Now, the kitty litter is in that closet so the door remains open all of the time. The cleaning cupboard in the kitchen comes open on its own even when it is properly closed... when you close it then turn your back and look again it will be open. You will think that someone has come into the house because you hear footsteps and no one will be there (even Geek Boy has heard that).
Something that has been happening more recently is that at night after everyone is in bed, I hear what seems like a tv on with the volume on really low so you can't make out the words. Except that when you go downstairs there is nothing on, not even a radio and I don't own a baby monitor.
Lee hears knocking on various walls in the living room when she is alone downstairs at night. They will distinctly be on one wall, then another then another. Her best friend hears it as well although I haven't hear anything and the TV will randomly turn its volume down to half without anyone near it or near the remote. Oh, and it doesn't do it all the time, just on occasion.
-:-
I have other examples but I don't want to bore you. The point is that I really shouldn't visit any of the following websites and watch their real or faked videos and audio clips. It might give me nightmares. Just sayin.
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| Curvaliscious :: 10:59am - 11.11.08 :: Talk to me, darlings! [ 1 ] |
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Insanity
I think that I might be going crazy... with boredom. Here's the deal: I can't emotionally cope with a full time job, the girls, the house and my volunteer hours (only 100 left out of 400 by the way WOOT!!).
I live in a teeny, tiny little town where the work opportunities are few and the social opportunities are even fewer. I don't have a car. There is a "gym" if you could call it that with a couple of treadmills and some circuit training equipment but I can't afford it. Hell, I can't afford toilet paper some months but that's another story.
I have no hobbies to speak of - Mr. X never encouraged my participating with friends, hobbies or even baking which I enjoy. In fact he strongly discouraged anything that I enjoyed. Reading? He complained that I read too much and controlled the content of what I read. Baking? Stop doing that and find something "productive to do". I started to crochet a blanket once and he told me to stop it and nagged at me until I finally set it aside and never picked it up again. Cross stitching? The same thing. Photography? Where am I going to go in nowhereville without a car to take pictures? There are some beautiful locations around here but I can't GET to them. Shopping? Again, no money. Any other hobbies I have considered in the past (tole painting, scrap booking, home decorating, cross stitching etc) all cost money that I don't have. Friends? They all work. A women's group? There aren't any unless of course you have a small child and go to a playgroup. Baking? I am fat enough and have no will power but thanks for the suggestion. Cooking? Yeah. Right.
I am bored and depressed and angry (oh, so angry) and honest to God if I don't find something to occupy my time I am going to go completely batty. They will have to lock me in a rubber room in a pretty pink straight jacket and ya'll can come and visit me through the little glass window in the door and watch me drool all over myself.
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| Curvaliscious :: 2:13pm - 11.05.08 :: Talk to me, darlings! [ 2 ] |
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