look out ladies, living lucid
loving your loose language
watch for what the willing weave
while wanting what we're weak for
an able air alerts us of
all the affairs that you adore
the tabloid talk, the taking names,
tapping out before you're torn.

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the harder i try not to fall
the faster the floor comes flying
but don't expect my lips to your laces
the next time you're around
i've seen you sitting next to him
i'm sure his shoulder is softer
mine is hard with understanding
and that wit you so admire

and she takes the backseat bundled
in her "unintentions"
but a flash of smile reminds me
that there's something going on
any guy who lays an eye
leaves with nothing but his longing
if you think you're immune to jenny
then you're wrong

with disregard for senses
we take you in with bated breath
living life average to perfection
to maybe catch your eye
cause we know what you're looking for
and it's always what we aren't
as you run ahead of us by just enough
and hide behind the word oblivious

Entry posted by luke | 2 notes [Add / View] | www | E-Mail this entry

Writer's block is a disease.
It's a cancer of the mind that spreads immediately to your fingertips, bypassing any other extremeties.
It's an involuntary repression and stulification of the thought process.
I find myself sitting for hours on end; unable to assemble anything reasonably coherent.

Then it comes...
My mood resembles a thunderstorm. It hints at itself before the actual event. I see the dark clouds and hear the low rumble of thunder approaching from the distance. As the hours pass, every breath becomes more still and the smell of rain surrounds me.
I can feel the storm before it hits.
I feel something hit my head. The freezing droplet makes it's way through my hair and hits my scalp.
I become tense and think about running...
... then I realize I'm already soaked.
The flood of thoughts takes my legs out from under me.

I wish I had a better idea of who I need to be...
for God,
for friends,
for family,
for co-workers,
for complete strangers...
for myself...

and how?

I need an exit. I'm just tired of waiting for her.

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A weekend like my last really has some differing effects...
Being near people I love so much really helps my disposition,
but the reality of it hits hard and quick once you leave.

This training I'm doing right now doesn't help.
It sometimes gets a bit menial and unnerving, but I think it is trying to ingest the enormous amounts of information at my desk for hours on end... that really could drive me to insanity.
I'm usually a big pacifist and I was aching for violence by the time I left tonite.
They don't happen too often...
and I can play them off pretty well...
but I still have those times when I wouldn't mind bloodying somebody's nose.
... or maybe somebody bloodying mine.

Anyway, I came home and had an oyster po-boy and an ice cream sandwich. My mindset has changed. I can't wait to be part-time again.

Entry posted by luke | 2 notes [Add / View] | www | E-Mail this entry

So... let's try this again.

When it comes to describing this weekend, many adjectives come to mind. Strangely, I'm having a hard time using any of them in comprehendible sentences... at least right now.
So here's a list:

enjoyable
distant
interesting
funny
awkward
illuminating
strange

Well, there was alot I was going to say last night that I've kinda changed my mind about. Most of it was just the usual, long winded, drawn out bore that you would come to expect from me.
Maybe I'll find room for it later...

Anyway, this weekend...
To tell you the truth, I'm not sure I really know what went on. I spent most of the time glancing at her, simply befuddled. My head was so full of wondering what was going through hers, that it feels like I spent most of the weekend in a drug induced stupor. Even when sitting in the same room, it sometimes felt like the distance between us was farther than the trip I made to see her. Out of the day and change we spent together, it feels like maybe an hour of it was conversation between us. It's quite possible she talked on her phone more during the time. No explanations. Just, "I'm tired."

"What am I doing wrong?"
"Am I asking too many questions?"
"Why won't she sit next to me?"
"Is there something I'm not seeing?"
"Should I push this?"
"Where is the girl I was talking to just a day ago?"

"I told you so! It's just not that easy!"

If my skepticism could personify itself and take human form, it would be pointing it's finger and laughing...

I'm glad that I'm a skeptic, though. I think it really made the whole situation alot easier. I went in there not expecting anything, and I came out with a clear mind.
I don't know how this recent up surging of these "blind" relationships is really going to last. You know, these relationships that originate from instant messaging and phone conversations, with no face to face time at all. I've mentioned it before to many (I'm sure you are tired of hearing it) about the "buffered" conversation that instant messaging creates. You can structure your speech and personality to present yourself in any way you see fit. Phone conversations are a bit more personal, but it still this disembodied voice at the other end of the line, lacking the corporeal elements that underscore the reality of the situation. But what happens when the meeting actually occurs... when it finally becomes tangible?
Now if this person tried to formulate a connection with you, that was more than a simple friendship, a breakdown would logically seem imminent. Due to the lack of reality fed by the "blind" relationship, this person would imagine you as much more than what you really are. For the sake of an analogy and to hopefully make things clearer, we will call the person imagining, "the artist".
The artist creates an image of you in their mind. With the lack of the visual and physical sensory input, the details of your personality have been filled in with guesses and speculation. It makes for a good picture, but it's a picture that only resembles the reality of you.
Then it happens...you meet in person...
The physicality of the situation collides with the imagination of the artist. Though you are the same person, you only resemble the image that the artist has created. It probably comes as quite a shock.
But it's a two way street...
You care for and have grown close to the artist. Out of concern for the artist, you want to avoid pushing too many impressions of your true self on them. Forced ideals are almost always settlements. We don't want settlements, we want learned truths.
Starting over is probably the best option...
... that or letting go.

Wow... what a rant...

OK, so overall, I had a good time in Houston.
Lisa is still as pretty and intelligent as ever. The people I stayed with were really neat, a fun crew. Thanks Petersons! Katie and Wyn joined Lisa and I on Saturday, and we went to the zoo. After that, we went to the Menil Gallery. It's really an amazing place. It's so surreal to walk into a room and see, right in front of you, art you've only seen in books and magazines. From Picasso to Warhol, like my Mom said, "It's like walking through an art history book." Very cool. We finished the day with dinner at Pappasito's. What an end to such a fun day.

As for my position on life right now:
Bert Fischer : You're like one of those clipper ship captains. You're married to the sea.
Max Fischer : Yes, that's true.
[pause]
Max Fischer : But I've been out to sea for a long time.

But still...
Waco next weekend!
I can't wait!!!

Entry posted by luke | 5 notes [Add / View] | www | E-Mail this entry

I just wrote a really long entry...

and it erased it all.

NOT COOL.

I don't feel like re-writing it tonite.

Maybe tomorrow.

Entry posted by luke | 3 notes [Add / View] | www | E-Mail this entry

you come through like a breeze
and bring a coolness to my breath
chill the dull ache in my chest
that has become all to familiar
i can't imagine you so distant
i feel you through my surroundings
permeating my mind and body
more than you or i conceive
being tired seems so ancient
depression only peeks it's head
no distance seems an issue
you're holding me together

Entry posted by luke | One note [Add / View] | www | E-Mail this entry

Things are well, I'm enjoying what's happening.
My job is more fun everyday. I have a hard time handling the slow points, but the outlook is amazing. I think I would enjoy doing this.
I'm just wondering how long....
Helping people isn't really part of my job description yet, but it will be soon. I can't wait.

I bought a new cd the other day, and it is awesome.
Check out a group called Frou Frou. The album is called "Details".
It's a soulful electronica.
It has the kind of organic, analog sound that most electronic music tends to lack.
It's fun to write to.

Life is good. I hope the same applies for you.
Wherever you are.

I miss a ton of people, but Travis is the one I tend to think about right now. I think about how hectic his life is now, and I wish I could be there. I don't know if I could help, but I would like to watch. I'm good at watching....

I've sorta reunited with an old friend as of late. Lisa sent me an instant message out of the blue the other day. Since then, we have been having long, introspective discussions... that have me thinking of her alot. She loves to challenge me, and I love a challenge. She observes and retorts, while I blubber philosophies and wax poetic. She is a great person. She just worries too much about who's looking. I don't usually quote lyrics, but these seemed to fit:

"let go"
drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy, you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

......

I wish she could meet my friends.
Such a greater group of people I have never met.

Entry posted by luke | 4 notes [Add / View] | www | E-Mail this entry

my blood's as thick as motor oil
my veins like copper wire
my bones resemble iron rods
my lungs are fed by fire

i walk around with marble eyes
and chain mail as my skin
my vocal chords, like organ pipes
lowly bellow from within

this automaton's achilles' heel
a disconnected part
in contrast to stability
a wax and paper heart

Entry posted by luke | Zero note [Add] | www | E-Mail this entry

Almost a month.
So my sporadic updating has been a little "Leslie-esque"...
I can't give you a reason why, because I don't have a good one. I guess part of it is just laziness; the other part.... well....
I'm sure there is some other reason, I'm just to lazy to think about it.

As for the last few weeks, for those concerned, here is a quick update:

I really got moving with the new job, and I'm now officially in my new branch. (Training went a little quicker than expected.) Things are going well as far as work is concerned. I enjoy the structure of it all. Things are so efficient. You follow policy. Period.
It's so effective, it's hard to make long sentences about it.
I finally got my XBOX Live working! It took a while, but after a couple hours of tech support tutelage, it worked. Amazingly, the guy that spoke the worst English gave me the most help. Go figure.
I met a few new people, and they are pretty nice.
I'm not sure what they think about me, though. We'll see how things turn out.

Anything other than that, pretty much involved me sitting in front of and/or holding some sort of electronic devices. Exciting stuff.

I've kinda been on the edge the last few days, but I must say I'm doing a pretty good job at handling it. It ends up harder than I usually remember; the hardest part being hiding it. You learn to deal. It makes you stronger.
So yeah, imagine that I look back at my last entry, and I'm struggling with the thing I was writing about a month ago. Although, it's sorta in a different light and it's not really a struggle.
I'll be back with more thoughts in the morning... maybe.
Let's hope it doesn't turn into a month again.

Entry posted by luke | Zero note [Add] | www | E-Mail this entry

a digital manifestation of stylishly averted disaster