[May 17 2008] | |
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love i realize that i do not want to be loved. or do i feel this way because i do? 5:01 pm
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maybe not today how will he fuck me up today? no, i won't. i won't be fine. treading water is not doing fine. doing fine is making serious money, having a house, a college fund that is more than a joke, having money in the bank, being debt free, being happy, being a man. maybe not today. 9:35 am
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i don't have a choice i've been thinking a lot about not letting my inner-child fuck me up. man, that sounds so trite. so...OPRAH!but, you know, as i think about this, i am remembering that avoiding self-sabotage was a constant theme throughout my childhood. and i never got it. i told erich about mr. bradshaw. (ed. my eighth-grade social studies teacher, mayor of a local town, and one of the few teachers in my life who took an interest in me.)about how, after going out to meet mr. bradshaw for lunch - the very next day - after the long talks with him and dad about untapped potential and self-sabotage, i left school forgetting to bring home my social studies book. i genuinely forgot it. i was all ready to sit down and put in some social studies time, and i realized that i didn't have the book.i was fucking devastated. panicked. i remember how it felt. holy fuck.i was panicked. i felt like i let myself down. i felt useless. just like i felt yesterday on the couch... i have been asking erich for months and months, what the fuck do i do? how do i fix this?? and all he can say is, do? DO?? what do you DO??? and yesterday he tells me what to do. if i were you, the very first thing that i would do when i got up in the morning would be to think hard about how he is going to fuck me up today. i'd be hyper-vigilant. about everything.and all i could think about was, i don't think i can do this. WHO THE FUCK IS TALKING? WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK WOULD HAVE THE BALLS TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT, NOW?? DO YOU SEE THIS?but the fact is, i'm still knee-deep in this shit. i feel the same way that i did when i couldn't do anything right and i forgot my social studies book. i guess that is why i need to by hyper-vigilant. for the past 41 years, my egodistonic-self (i learned a new word) has been operating with impunity - in the form of a black cloud. it doesn't matter what i do, everything i touch turns to shit. he operated with complete, unchecked control in april when i put ag,jr.'s oral arguments down for may 15, 2008 (instead of 2007). of all of my clients, ag, jr is like a father to me. he didn't care about the argument, he wanted to hear me! and i knew this. i had to know this. and i set myself up to disappoint him. just like i disappointed mr. bradshaw.he's had total control. i really don't know how the fuck i misread the court's calendar. i really have no idea. and this is how he has been controlling me. it's completely unconscious. i've been walking the earth blind. i've got to make this conscious. i don't have a choice. i have piglet. 9:15 am
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[May 16 2008] |
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enough already i set myself up again. i was so psyched to argue in the 2d. and, of all my clients, i hate to disappoint ag,jr. and...i've been winning! only to go all the way into the 2d with ag, jr to find out that i missed oral arguments by two fucking weeks.
i don't know how i did it, but i saw May 15, and didn't see the 2007, the date of oral arguments for the first appeal in this case (which we won). and i didn't see the entry for arguments on this appeal set for May 1.that part of me that needs to be loyal to mom is going to get stronger. i have to be hyper vigilant. in everything i do. if i were you, the moment i got out of bed int he morning, i'd ask myself where he is, how he is going to fuck me up today. do you really think that the motorcycle thing wasn't him? it's enough already. the first 41 years were her's, the next 41 years are yours. you can have what you want, you can be happy, have a house for piglet. and let me tell you something, the things you think that piglet is suffering from, they are because she sees you unhappy with you. it's not too late - as she sees you become happy with you, she will take that in. piglet's poem, read to the class and all the parents this morning: after the class finished reading their poems to us, piglet went over to her mom, hugged her, and then came over to me, hugged me, and cried in my shoulder for five minutes. i cried back. i told her that, of all the kids, she understood what poetry was all about. hey, mom, i wish you weren't dead. i wish that i could show you just how much damage you did, you dumbest of fucks. 2:20 pm
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stones read | leave already forgotten |
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