I can't get him off of my mind. Call me crazy, but there's just been so much time to think about everything. And I mean every-frickin-thing. If I could go back, I would change so much. But I really can't. I want to, but can't. I regret so much and all those thoughts are crawling through my head constantly. It sucks. And one of them is him. Not the him that screwed me over...well, he screwed everyone else and their moms too, but the other one. The one before him. The one that was probably the love of my life. That's if I didn't screw things up. But of course, I am Amber and that's just my thing. Screwing up my life is the thing I do best.

Entry posted by Amz | Zero note [Add] | www | E-Mail this entry

This news is about my great-grandma. Well, kinda. She was the one murdered, but the pearl is pretty interesting to read about.

Fourteen Pound Pearl at center of wrongful death

Entry posted by Amz | Zero note [Add] | www | E-Mail this entry

#1 No relationships with boys or a year. This does not include getting some from guys. A girl still has to do that at least.
#2 Get back to Colorado. Has to be after I get my license of course because I still want something out of it.
#3 Start being healthy. No, I'm not saying that I want to be skinny or any of that shit. I just need to be more healthy for my own frickin' good.
#4 Get my revenge on Carl. Oh yeah, that is gonna be good.

Entry posted by Amz | Zero note [Add] | www | E-Mail this entry

Okay, me and Heather were bored today and I just found a list that we made the other day, so yeah I'm gonna post it here before my mom finds it.

Okay so, between December 18-20, we all hung out with...

1. Marcus
2. Daniel Sondag
3. Tristan
4. Lance (who I happened to grow up across the street from)
5. Gabe (Cole's boyfriend)
6. Evan
7. Brandon (him and Evan are roommates)
8. Josiah
9. Brandon P. (the one I used to date)
10. Cody (don't ask why we hung out with them)
11. Jacob M.
12. Pat
13. Vince
14. Some mark guy
15. some Jarrod guy
16. Matt
17. Geoff
18. Aaron
19. Brett
20. Zach H.
(21) Ruben before I got here and Brent for Heather.

So in two days we hung out with all those pimp people so it has been fun. I miss the Colorado life. I was talking to Sami and she told me that she wouldn't come back if she were me. But I dunno, it sorta made me think. I still don't know what I am gonna d. I know I'm going back to Colorado, pretend to be perfect and hopefully get my way to move out here. Hopefully.

Entry posted by Amz | Zero note [Add] | www | E-Mail this entry

My father called today and all I have to say is:

do not fuck with me. don't do it. for your sake and happiness... just don't fuck with me.

may God strike me down the day i forget how to stand up for myself and become a domesticated "wife" that does nothing but obey her "man."

the more i stay at his house, the more i hate my father.

how dare you. how dare you treat me and the other girls in the house the way you do. how dare you think for one god damn moment that women are inferior. and how dare you get in the way of my happiness.

you want to hinder my social life a bit? fine. you want to criticize how i dress and how i eat? fine. you want to judge my friends just by how they dress? fine. but i will not smile and nod to whatever you have to say about how i get happy. don't you dare.

to all my friends that have watched me grow up... the clothes i wear may change... my hair my change... i might be more money than i used to be... but one thing will never change about me... and that's my own self-respect and pride. i will not ever become a "yes-ma'am/sir" person. i will not be the person that smiles-and-nods to keep things pleasant. i will not be the one who gets walked on.

no.

i will always be the same girl you've come to know... independent...

you can hassle me about my friends, my clothes, my car, my food... etc... but the moment you start telling me what i should and should not do, you better run.

i was born my own person. i have been my own person.. and i will always be my own person. nothing will ever change that... and no one will survive if they try to change my away from that.

Entry posted by Amz | Zero note [Add] | www | E-Mail this entry

Home again! Got in December 18th. God, have I missed it. I've had so much fun the pass few days.

Let's see. Where to begin....

1st Day- Saturday, December 18

My plane's gate number got switched like 4 times so I had to walk a mile around the airport. I finally got on the damn plane though. Then I got off and went home. Heather called, came and got me and I hung out with her and Sami. Sami makes me worry sometimes but I missed her so much. Anyway, Marcus was having a party that night so we decided to go to that. Heather, Sam, and I went and picked up Danielle from her house. Her mom was kewl, she gave us all a Corona and then Dani gave me pics from Homecoming this year so I'm gonna put those in my myspace when i get back to Arizona. Anyway, we left and went to McDonald's. Me and Sami went to the bathroom while the other two ordered and then we went and got food. It was funny because we were having a food fight while eating. Dani hates ketchup and stuff like that, so we kept trying to put it on her food and near her. Anyway, we went to Marcus's and chilled there for a little bit, but it was lame. Daniel S. was there and Tristan and some little mexican girl that I think was a freshmen. We left and went to pick up Nicole because she wanted to get out of her house. Then we went back to Marcus's house and decided it was pretty gay, so we went to this guy Evan's apartment who I guess Heather and them became friends with recently. Anyway, Nicole's boyfriend was there and then Evan was there with some Tina girl that I guess was his girlfriend. She seemed nice but she kept looking at us so yeah, that pissed me off. Anyway, we were all outside having a couple of cigarettes when Evan's roomie Brandon pulled up. And then Tiffany called so we all went to the mall, although Heather, Sami, and I got lost on the way. Anyway, once at the mall, Lance (who happened to live across the street from me) Brandon, me, Heather, and Sami all went inside. Sami wasn't feeling good so me and Heather stood in line to get her a coffee. LOL, on the way back, I grabbed her a flower that i stole. She saw me stealing it and then laughed and took off. After some decisions, we went back to the apartment and chilled there. I tried to get high with them, but yeah, I'm an idiot and couldn't get any out of the pipe, so yeah. Heather went over to her house to spend time with someone lol. Gabe and Cole Cole left early because they got bored. And then I guess Evan wanted us to leave but he ended up taking his g/f home. Lance crashed out on the couch. Sam slept behind the couch for a while. So that left me and Brandon watching Invader Zim from 12:00 to about 4:30 in the morning. Heather was supposed to come back and get us but she was having too much fun so yeah, we ended up staying there. I slept with Brandon because i didn't want to be by myself in the living room because noises tend to wake me up. I wish I could have done more with him but yeah, I fuckin' passed out. I woke up at like 7:45 and called Heather who I happened to wake up. She had like 15 minutes to get ready, come get us, take us home, and get to work. So that was exciting. I went and woke Sami up and then Brandon woke up when Heather came to the door. So yeah, it was cute though because as we were leaving, Brandon was all "Don't forget me." So yeah, that was kewl.

-Sunday, December 19
So the next day, I went home and napped and chilled around the house. Then once Heather got off work and stuff, I went over there because we were all supposed to go to Cowboys. But Sami bailed out at last minute because we decided to chill with Josiah and Jay instead. Except it turned out that it was Britt, Heather, I, my old Brandon and Cody. We were at Palmer Park for the longest time but then we went to Josiah's sisters house. That was pretty lame too and Jay fell asleep so we didn't get to hang out with them at all. So we dropped off Cody and Brandon at Cody's and then Josiah came with Britt, Heather, and I to Marcus's house because he was having another party. Britt had to leave though because her mom wouldn't let her stay the night at Heather's house. So basically, Josiah hung out with our Wasson crowd. He was such a social butterfly though, he warmed up to everyone quickly. But once 1:45 rolled around, we went to Wendy's for food and then we went and dropped Josiah off at his sister's house. Then me and Heather slept in until 11:00 when her grandparents woke us up.

-Monday, December 20

Britt called us later and said that we could go to a party and that Josiah and Jay called because they wanted to chill with us. So we went to Chipotle with Heather's mom and Britt met us there. Josiah was being weird and called us and told us to pick him up at Palmer Park when we were done but when we finished and called, he wasn't answering so we just went back to Heather's house for awhile. Britt texted some friend's of hers, who turned out to be some guys we went to Wasson with and are now in college. They were in town visiting family and stuff for Christmas. Anyway, they wanted us to come over, so we ended up driving over there. The guy's names were Geoff, Brett, and Aaron. All of them were hot as hell though. It was kewl. Then later, Matt came over, this guy that Britt went to Prom with. Anyway, we kinda talked to them, but they were going to the strip club so we left. Britt called her friend Vince because he wanted to chill and then later we hooked up with them after driving around for an hour or so. They turned out to all be good looking too, especially this guy named Pat, who seemed to have a thing for Heather lol. We got high in his backyard but then had to go because his sister got pissed. So then we went in this guy Mark's car and finished there. Then they had to go so we went back over to Geoff's because they were done with the whole strip club. Then we went over to Brett's house. I chilled and talked to them all and me and Geoff were taking shots from Vodka and I was negotiating things because everyone wanted to get layed lol. But yeah, I didn't really get to see that because I got sick from the weed and vodka. So I ended up puking all night while everyone else got some. Brett stayed with me though, and I guess I puked on him, which was really embarrassing. I felt so bad. And then I guess I frickin' through a fit when we were leaving so I had to have Aaron, Geoff, and Brett carry me out to the car. I guess I also hit Heather when we got to her house. I woke up after two hours of sleeping and yeah, was totally okay. Heather and I went to my house after because Richie was coming over. So we told me mom everything and yeah it was kewl.

The passed few days have been boring though. I didn't do much for the rest of yesterday or today besides chill around the house. Hopefully tomorrow I can chill with Heather or someone. I also want to chill with Brett and all them so I can apologize to all them and stuff. I also want to see Brandon and Evan again but I dunno. Oh yeah, and Sami is getting back from snowboarding with Melysa so that should be cool, except she has to house sit. I don't care though, I want to see her.

Anyways, that's the colorado excitement. I'm sure there is more to come so yeah.

..Amz..

Entry posted by Amz | Zero note [Add] | www | E-Mail this entry

Never give up on someone you love, even when they have given you no reason or hope to hang on; you're heart is never wrong.

I keep myself busy with things to do, but everytime I pause, I still think of you.

There are many things I want to say to you, but time's caught me up and now I'll never say them, except I've loved you from the moment I saw you and every moment since.

Throughout life, you will meet one person who is unlike any other, you could talk to this person for hours and never get bored, you could tell them things and they won't judge you, this person is your soulmate....your best friend...dont let them go.

You came into my life so quickly and I never expected you to have any affect or hold over me. Oh, how I was wrong.

I know the feelings are going to come back as soon as I see you.

Entry posted by Amz | Zero note [Add] | www | E-Mail this entry